symphony

I read this today (read: found it blog stalking) and thought it too beautiful and poignant not to share. (Plus it may or may or may not have been something I personally needed to hear.)

"Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.

Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.

This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He “inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; . . . all are alike unto God.”



. . .Brothers and sisters, if only we had more compassion for those who are different from us, it would lighten many of the problems and sorrows in the world today. It would certainly make our families and the Church a more hallowed and heavenly place."



-Joseph B Wirthlin

we're all equal-unless you're different from me

What I’m about to write is a very heated topic with little to no gray area for most. I’m sure there will be a few of you reading this who don’t agree with what I have to say. That’s ok, but this is my blog, and I write about what I want. You choose to continue reading. Although I never intend to offend and I try to keep things light and fun, writing my feelings about this topic in my journal over and over and over isn’t helping me to feel better. Maybe putting it here will. I am not intending to offend anyone, and if I do I am truly sorry. I’m just trying to comprehend. If you choose to read on you may feel the need to comment. Please do. I welcome open, respectful conversations, EVERYONE’S right to have a differing opinion, and the right to make those opinions heard—even if I don’t agree.  HOWEVER-please be advised I will NOT tolerate hateful, hurtful, goading, or attacking comments. They will be immediately deleted and my relationship with you will be reconsidered. If you choose to read on you are agreeing to the terms mentioned above.

Change is a comin’. The LGBT community is demanding it. And do you know what? I’M ALL FOR IT. Yep, this little Mormon girl from Salt Lake is for Gay Rights. Why, you may ask? Because I feel that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t understand how people can feel they have the right to rob someone else of happiness. I know I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me that the love Mr. Wonderful and I share is evil, and immoral, and an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, so who am I to say that to someone else? Some of you may argue that “the Bible says”. Ok, so WHAT if the Bible says? The Bible also says to love one another and to leave the judging up to God, but we definitely have no problem ignoring those passages.  You don’t get to pick who you love any more than you got to pick your parents or the color of your skin. Am I saying to ignore what you believe to be true and follow what the mainstream tells you to do? Of course not. Am I asking you to show everyone the same unconditional love Christ shows for us all? Abso-frickin-lutely.

When I was young I felt differently. I even voted for Utah Constitutional Amendment 3. This is probably the biggest regret I have and one of the things I am most ashamed of.  Mostly because at my young age I didn’t really understand what I was doing. Although I have never had a problem with the LGBT community I was following the current, and not really thinking for myself (evidence there just how dangerous uneducated voters are, but I digress). Two days after that election I was at work talking to one of my regular customers about the outcome. He also happened to be gay. He expressed his profound sadness about the decision and his anger at the pride of people for thinking we had the right to tell him how to live his life. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Why would people want to deny me the opportunity to marry someone I love?” After that it was personal for me and I have never wished so badly that I could take something back. Seeing the tears in my friend’s eyes and knowing that I had caused him pain with my actions will be something I regret forever. That experience taught me just how important our agency is, and how it’s even more important to not take that away from others. Agency is the one thing Heavenly Father won’t take from us. Why do we feel we are allowed to do so? There are exceptions to this, of course. When someone is putting themselves or others in danger or taking away the rights of others, then yes, we need to step in and say ‘no’. I just don’t understand how something as silly as a man wanting to marry another man is enough to send us into upheaval.

People will argue the ‘sanctity of marriage’. To that I say bullshit. Marriage has NEVER been sacred--wait, let me re-phrase. Marriage is only as sacred as the people entering into it treat it. Marriage began as a business transaction and a way for countries to maintain peace. It’s only within the last 200 years that people have actually married for love, and not for some sort of monetary benefit. Even marriage in the last 50 years has changed drastically. I know many married couples who don’t plan to have, nor want, children. Fifty years ago this was unheard of. Yes, marriage is an important step for some who want to have a family, but it’s not the sole reason to do it anymore. The people who argue ‘then what’s the point in getting married’ ask the elderly couple, the infertile couple, the couple who were finished having children before they remarried why and they’ll tell you: LOVE. Two gay men marrying each other will no more sully the reputation of marriage any more then we heterosexuals have done. This isn’t a new thing. Henry VII was married EIGHT times, and MURDERED TWO because of his roving eye. If you want to see a modern day version, look around you. It’s in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce, the bed-hopping culture we live in, the Kim Kardashians and Britney Spears who change husbands the way we change clothes. The spouses who couldn’t remain faithful if they tried, and the people who joke “this is only my first marriage. I have time” have completed that task. I just don’t understand how people who have known each other for hours can run to Vegas in a drunken stupor and get married, but a loving, committed gay couple who have spent their entire lives to each other cannot. Yes, the LGBT community has a reputation for being promiscuous, but guess what? The hetero community is JUST AS BAD. You don’t believe me watch any reality show on television or go to a bar or dance club. Denying the whole something because of the actions of a few is unfair and WRONG, and I will do everything I can to make my voice heard.

Yes there are arguments about the church part-they will lose their tax-exempt status for refusing to marry a gay couple, yadda yadda, yadda. Frankly, I’m not worried about that. Most of the gay friends I have are spiritual, but not religious, and the likelihood of them wanting to marry in a church (or temple) in a religious ceremony is about as likely as any of us growing another limb. Yes there will be people who will try, but I truly believe it won’t be the issue everyone is making it out to be so for me it’s a moot point.

The bottom line for me is it hurts my heart to see such hate camouflaged as Christianity. Denying people their right to choose is NOT Christian. Watching my best friend worry about whether he will get to marry the person he loves while I take it for granted hurts my heart so badly. To those of you who don't agree, but don't stoop to hateful, bible-bashing, 'you are evil and going to hell' comments, I am not talking to you. I understand and respect your right to feel differently. I just don't understand why. I'm LDS and this is the biggest problem I have with the Church. It is something I struggle with. Every. Day. Yes I understand the Gospel says it's wrong, but I also struggle with the fact we came here to have and exercise AGENCY. Although you don't choose to be gay if you choose to do something that contradicts those Gospel teachings how are you any different from the adulterers, thieves, and murderers? It may be a poor comparison, yes, but my point is they are exercising their right to choose, why can't everyone? How will gays being able to marry and have what we all strive for going to ruin and tarnish our own heterosexual relationships or diminish the value of what WE have with the person we love? How can some parents look at their gay children and in essence say 'You are not allowed to be happy because you are different from the rest of us'?
How ashamed will we feel in 50 years, looking back, and seeing how we treated our fellow man? I just don't understand, someone please help me understand how inequality equates to love and compassion? Forty years ago black men weren't allowed to hold the Priesthood because they were black. Now they can. Just three years ago the Church's stance on homosexuality was that it was a choice. Just last month they released a statement saying this isn't true-it's not a choice. I just don't understand how something that is so unlikely to affect us more than hey 'John can go see his husband in the ICU now when he couldn't before' is such a huge deal. Why are we taking it upon ourselves to be judge, jury, and executioner? It's the Lord's job to judge us, not ours. So why can't we all just focus on ourselves and our families and leave it at that? 

skirting the issue

So apparently there has been a lot of brouhaha on the interwebs about women wearing skirts/dresses to church. Apparently there’s even some sort of protest scheduled for this Sunday.  I am glad to see that I am not the only one who thinks this is completely ridiculous. I am so bothered with people who need to make everything into a political statement—especially things like this where it’s OBVIOUS they are so insecure about something they have resorted to grasping at straws for something to take issue with. 

There are many reasons I love and am so thankful for my mother, but one of the biggest is that she taught me to love and accept EVERYONE. I remember one Sunday morning-I could only have been 5 or 6, and we were on our way to church. I remember seeing one of the less-active families headed that way too, and I noticed the little girl was wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I asked my mom why she wasn’t in a dress, and she replied, “it doesn’t matter to Heavenly Father what you wear to church. It matters more to Him that you’re there.” Twenty-six years later and that lesson has still held true for me.

For me women wearing dresses to church isn’t a sign of submissiveness, but rather respect. Respect because you wear the nicest things you own when you go to worship. Dresses are the nicest thing I own, so that’s what I wear. Not because I feel I am being oppressed and unequal to my male counterparts. It makes me sad that there are women in the church who feel this way. Men and women in the church have their own roles to play, they are both divine and necessary in their own right, and I have never once felt that one was more important than the other. It is only when both are working in harmony that everything works as it should. If anything I have felt more honored by the men in the Church because I am a woman. Men and women will never be ‘equal’ because they are not the same, and it is infuriating to me that some women will choose to use something as sacred as personal worship to propel their own political agenda fueled by their own insecurity.

Now if a woman chooses to wear pants to church because that is what she is most comfortable in? I say more power to her. If you are so pre-occupied about how uncomfortable you are in what you’re wearing that you lose sight of the real reason you’re there, then you’re better off not going in my opinion. Do I think less of women who choose to wear pants? Nope. I’m just glad they’re there.

I just wish people would stop. Stop wanting what others have. Stop the hatred, and anger, and discord. Stop trying to be something they aren’t and instead revel in what they ARE. I am a divine daughter of my Heavenly Father, and I know that He holds women in the highest regard. I am trusted with bearing and raising His children. One day I can be a QUEEN. That is pretty cool and not the least bit oppressive in my opinion. Because we’re different we have been given different responsibilities-neither is more important than the other, and that’s just fine by me.

People may think I’m brain-washed or a Stepford wife for saying this. I assure you this isn’t the case. I merely have never felt oppressed or wronged by my role as a woman in the Church and I am HAPPY with the role I have been given. So, I will be wearing a dress to church this Sunday. Not because I feel I HAVE to, but because I WANT to. I hope what you wear to worship is what you WANT to be in and it allows you to feel close to your Heavenly Father and His spirit (or whatever you believe in). Because that’s all that matters.

Even fashion-forward girl power Carrie wore a dress to church...just sayin'.

priesthood blessings

Why is it the simplest things are the hardest to ask for? For me it's Priesthood blessings. Maybe it's because my dad has never been active in the Church and my brothers fell away as they got older so I have never had a Melchizedek Priesthood holder in my home. I always relied on my grandfather, my mom's brothers, and my Uncle Gregg for Priesthood blessings, and then it was usually for the 'big stuff' because getting one was usually a bit of a production-them taking time from their families to drive out to our house, and us having to wait until they got there. I'm sure they never minded coming out, but I always remember feeling guilty because they were going to all this trouble for me. I never received a father's blessing at the beginning of a new school year, I never got one when I was sick (unless I was really REALLY sick-and then we called the aforementioned Priesthood holders), I didn't have one the night before I had my wisdom teeth out, and I have never been able to receive one when I just felt I needed a little extra...something. Because of the production I remember it being growing up I've never felt that I have had that power at my disposal so I have trouble utilizing it. Please don't mistake this for anything more than me sharing a fact of my life with you-I am not playing the martyr, I love my dad and my brothers more than anything, and I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING. That being said it was hard not having the Priesthood in my home growing up, and it makes it even harder to ask for it now I'm grown.

I know that there are plenty of Priesthood holders in my life who would be happy to give me a blessing, but I feel weird asking- mostly thanks to a 'well-meaning' bishop who made me feel guilty during my teenage years because I would ask the men in my ward (usually my friend's dads whom I knew and trusted) because I was taking them away from their families. Now that I'm grown and still single, most of the men I know are married and I feel even worse asking-and even worry that it is inappropriate of me to do so. I don't know who my Home Teachers are and I have NEVER been comfortable asking complete strangers for help, let alone something as personal as a blessing. Mr. Wonderful is a Melchizedek Priesthood holder, but all I will say is he is working on some stuff and leave it at that.

The reason I'm bringing this up-aside from the fact I've been thinking about this forever-is yesterday I received some not so great news. I'm not dying, and I am not sick, and it's not horrible, but it's not great news, either. I don't want to share it here (I am happy to tell you privately), but I am more broken than I had originally thought and hoped, and I am feeling very scared, worried, and very very alone. I want a blessing now, but because of my sillyness I can't bring myself to ask anyone-not even Mr. Wonderful's dad because I'm afraid of being a burden. I know that you can't use the Priesthood on yourself and in order for it to bless you you have it to use it to bless, serve, and help others, but I am so worried about being anyone's burden it keeps me from asking, and then I feel like I am when I do. I know it's ridiculous, but because I only got them for the 'big things' growing up I'm not used to asking for them whenever I feel like I need it-or even when I know I do.

I'm just so glad that Mr. Wonderful has the Priesthood and he will be able to use it in our home-and I am even happier that he will be able to bless and lead our family in a way my dad was not able to. 

sometimes you just wanna scream

I'm LDS (Mormon). Am I as good/ or as active a Member as I need to be? Nope. I have my vices like everyone else, and I am constantly falling flat on my face. I understand that us 'Mormons' are a strange people-hell I was RAISED Mormon and I still think we're a bunch of weirdos. What I don't understand how people can be so heartless, disrespectful, and cruel. Working where I do I'm in the minority (for some reason Members shy away from foodservice-maybe it's the booze), and most time it's not a problem-just some occasional ignorance. Sometimes I run into people who are just jerks. It infuriates me to have to sit and listen to people poke fun and say what I don't believe isn't true. Or how they take delight in tormenting the missionaries that have been sent to them by people they know. I get the Church isn't for everyone, and I get that there are people who don't want the Gospel in their lives. It makes me sad, but that's the great thing about agency; we all have the choice to accept or reject the Gospel, and my only job is to respect their choice and keep loving them. Apparently some people struggle with that more than I do...

Is it really that hard to be NICE and RESPECTFUL of what someone else believes? I'm not Baptist or Jehovah's Witness, but I would NEVER be mean or disrespectful towards someone who loves their beliefs enough that they want to approach a complete stranger and share them.

Because I was at my desk and I have to maintain a level of professionalism and the fact I'm not very good at rational thought where ignorant people are concerned there wasn't much I could do, but I did do my best to defend my beliefs. I honestly have never had this problem. Most people are respectful towards me and what I believe and I've never wanted to punch someone in the face like I did my co-worker. 

I know I could have done something more, but I don't know what. Now I just feel like a turd because I sat there like a dope.

tender mercies

Sometimes when you feel you and your prayers have been forgotten the Lord steps in and reminds you He's still there. Sometimes it's in the most unlikely of places. My cousin put this on her FB wall today.

I definitely needed the reminder. Thank you.

christmas soap box

I am fortunate enough to know people from all different walks of life. Gay, straight, Jew, Christian, Agnostic, Atheist, liberal, and conservative. We don’t always see eye to eye, but I will always love them.

The other day one of my friends got their knickers in a twist on Facebook about how they felt that the Christ part of Christmas was being shoved down their throat, and saying ‘Happy Holidays’ was the more ‘appropriate’ thing to say. Can I digress for one minute and tell you just how much I hate Facebook soap-boxing? A lot.

I try to be a live and let live type, but this irked me. Just because I choose to celebrate Christmas doesn’t mean I’m shoving a Christian agenda down your throat. It just means I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas because that’s the holiday I observe. It is as impossible to celebrate Christmas without Christ as it is to celebrate your birthday without you.

Yes I know many of our Christmas traditions originated from Pagan and Druid traditions, but the reason for the season has always remained the same. I don’t celebrate the tradition, I celebrate CHRIST. If you don’t like it, tough.

 I don’t get offended as a Christian when someone wishes me Happy Holidays, or Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, or whatever it is they believe. I don’t understand why these same people who talk about equality and open-mindedness are usually the first ones to cry foul when people say we need to keep Christ in CHRISTmas. Did I miss something here?

Why is it so hard for so many people to actually practice what they preach? I merely proclaim that I am Christian; I have never shoved my beliefs down anyone’s throat and I understand what anyone else chooses to believe is their choice. It’s annoying to me that for some you’re only allowed to believe what you want-as long as it falls in line with that they themselves believe.

Please know that although I believe Christ needs to be the center of Christmas I am NOT forcing my beliefs on you when I wish you “Merry Christmas”, I am merely wishing you a Merry Christmas because I am Christian and Christmas is what I celebrate.  

Happy Christmas everyone!!

shout it from the rooftops

Have you ever had news you want to share but don't because you want to keep it all for yourself? It's news so wonderful, so so special that you want to shout it from the roof tops but you just can't...because it's so wonderful, so special?

I never did. Until yesterday. It's a strange feeling. Especially for me because I'm an open book-you all know this. This feeling is entirely new to me, but I think I kinda like it.

Something happened to me yesterday that is wonderful. Something that I have waited not-so patiently for a long time.

When it first happened my initial impulse was to run through the streets screaming the wonderful news to the world like a banshee-which was then immediately followed by the intent desire to keep it where I felt it should be-between myself and the parties involved. I want to remember every word, thought, feeling, and reaction involved; and keep it all to myself to relish over again and again without muddying it up by sharing it with people not involved.

I hate posts like this, and I'm sorry for whetting your appetite and then not telling (no I'm not engaged). I just had to share something with someone; otherwise I knew would explode from happiness.

Life is good, God is great, and true happiness does come to those who wait.

Leave me alone...please

So yeah. I'm kinda having a moral dilemma...but let me preface. I'm LDS, born and raised. Love the Gospel, most people in the Gospel- not so much, but that's the price you pay living in Utah. I don't let the stupidity of a few zealots ruin my faith. Anyway, there's one thing that I can't stand--Visiting Teaching, Home Teaching, and Group activities. Up until a couple months ago I was gloriously flying under the radar-one of the joys of being in a singles ward with high turn over-and let's be honest- I've been pretty lazy the last bit so I'm not there as often as I should.
Well lately there has been a big push by my Visiting and Home Teachers. I know they are trying to magnify their callings, but I don't want to be visited. It's nothing personal, but that's part of the reason I didn't serve a mission. The thought of making small talk with total strangers isn't my cup of tea. Small talk has never been a skill I possess. I'm not bitter at all, I'm just saying it's not my thing. I'm not into being Visit or Home taught, Visit teaching anyone else, and I think PPIs and Ward activities are lame. I prefer to keep my worshiping to Sundays and on a personal level, and ask for help if I need it. Does this make me a bad person? I love these brothers and sisters who are putting forth such an effort to magnify their calling and make me feel included and loved. But I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!! Say 'hi' to me at church, send an e-mail every now and again to see how I am, that's fine. But don't show up at my house unannounced or otherwise. I'm never home, and so when I am, it's MY TIME. I don't want to spend an afternoon (or 30 minutes, for that matter) sitting in awkward silence attempting small talk.
I'm not angry, bitter, or anything of the like. These things are just not my cup of tea. I'm a loner, I like to be left alone. I don't need to sit with a group of friends making noise to high hell in the chapel like everyone else, and I don't need a big fuss made over me. If I need something, I'll ask. Otherwise, please leave me alone. My last Visiting and Home teachers were great. They would say hi at church, ask if there was anything they could do, and pass on a photocopied page of the Ensign and call it good. Why can't everyone be like this?
Does this make me a bad person? What's the best way to politely tell them that I have no interest in being visited or visiting others? Because we all know that this will deploy a huge effort to change my outlook it will be well-intended, but completely unwanted. I just want to be left alone. I know I'm loved and if I need anything I can ask, but in the mean time can I just lead my life and be left alone?