pressure

Yep. Pretty much sums up my day (and life) as of late.

What a great song.

when it rains it pours

For a Monday it started aight and then promptly took a nose dive.

-My woobie (script) is MIA.
-Some moron had me in his cross-hairs and tried to commit vehicular homicide against me on my way to work.
-I must have a big fat bulls eye on my back because everyone with a snarky comment or a big black cloud hanging over them have made it their goal to share with me.

So. Not. In. The. Mood.

For reals Monday. What gives? I know for a fact I didn't do anything to you...

what a momma's boy

Well boys and girls, here's the post I was previously not going to post after all...

Yesterday my sweet Riss posted about momma's boys, and I feel awful about the diatribe I left on her comments. I won't lie; this post is mainly for her so that I may redeem myself for the snarky comments I made and hopefully give a little perspective. For the rest of you have a good laugh on me as this is not my brightest shining moment and I allowed myself to become the complete contradiction of what I believe a woman should be.

The year was 2000, and I was working as an assistant event coordinator for the Hollywood Connection (ho-co), and by boss decided to set me up with her son-who also worked at the Ho-Co. Momma's Boy was months away from serving his mission, so although I had a little crush on him I knew it really wouldn't go anywhere. Aside from a couple dates (that his mom had a fairly big hand in) nothing really did.

It wasn't until he came home 18 months early due to health problems that it really got interesting. By this time I had just started dating Superman Lover (don't judge; momma's boy never said/did anything to make me think we were anything more than people who had gone on a couple dates before he left, and I told him I would only promise to not get married while he was gone. I was allowed to date other guys!), and Momma's Boy coming home really threw a wrench in the cog work. I remember one instance after I told him about Superman Lover that he called me and wanted to have an airing of grievances-which he was totally allowed to btw. It was the fact that he did it upon his mother's suggestion, with his mother's guidance, and I even remember sitting on his mother's bed to have it. For some reason that had all just rubbed me wrong. Although I fully admit I had wronged him I couldn't help but feel bugged that an almost 20 year old man was still running to his mother for this. I realize I'm super independent and always have been, but to me this was borderline extreme. I'm all for going to your parents for support, but I would never dream of allowing them to play puppet master in MY life. After this incident I began to space myself from that situation-because it was really awkward and for someone who said they wanted to date me he wasn't really making any effort to do so. The last time I ever went over to his house was probably the most uncomfortable situation I've ever put myself in. Not only was I getting the cold shoulder from mom, I was getting it from everyone else, too. It was then that I realized if I were to marry this guy every time we had a disagreement he would run to his mom and his siblings making something that was between he and I into a situation of me against the whole family. I knew I would never be happy in that situation, and that was a deal breaker for me. I walked way and never looked back.

Fast forward five-ish years.

My engagement to Superman Lover had ended about eight months prior, and I decided I was ready to start wading back into the dating pool. In my not so brightest moment I enrolled on some LDS dating site, and who should appear as my number one compatibility match but momma's boy. Going against my better judgement (I was convinced on a site THAT large him not only popping up as my number one, but also within the first week of joining this was too odd to ignore), I reached out, he replied, and we ended up on another (lackluster) date. Like a fool I let him kiss me at the end of said date and then we got to talking. I could feel the twinge of attraction returning so I asked him if maybe he could give me another chance to prove I had changed. This was his reply: "I have to talk to my mom first." No, I'm NOT kidding. A 25-year old man needed to talk to his mom before dating a girl. I was asking for a chance, not a proposal. I was again reminded that should anything happen there would be three people in that relationship: me, him, and mommy. I wish I could say I immediately cut bait and walked away, but I didn't. I was stupid and twitterpated, and engaged in not so great activities that I wish more than anything I could erase. My only defense is I was stupid, stupid, stupid.

I did learn my lesson though. I will NEVER date/attempt to date a momma's boy. A man who loves and respects the woman who birthed him? Definitely. A man who needs to ask mommy's permission/input before deciding what to have for breakfast? No thanks. There needs to come a time when men stop relying on their parents, put on their big-boy underwear, and start making decisions for themselves. Something momma's boy clearly hadn't figured out how to do...

Yet another reason Mr. Wonderful is a keeper: he's no momma's boy.

failure

Repeatedly putting yourself out there and failing to achieve your goals is draining. It's so draining that at some point you begin to question if repeated failures is the universe telling you it's time to pursue other options. Everyone has something they aren't as successful at as they would like, yet we still try over and over.

Unlucky in love? That's ok. Just keep dating. By dating all the wrong ones the right one will come along eventually.
Idle in your career? Keep working hard and putting yourself out there. Your boss will promote you eventually.
You want more than anything to be part of the team, the show, the band, whatever, but you keep falling short. Just keep practicing and going out for it; you're bound to make it sooner or later.

Lucy will never let Charlie kick the damn football; but he never passes on the opportunity to try. We all know what's going to happen, but he still goes for it time and time again. Like everyone else I've been Charlie more than Lucy for sure, but how many times do you try-and fail-at the same thing before you decide to conserve what dignity you have left and just quit? Einstein said it best, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." When does perseverance turn into insanity? It's a fine line, for sure.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer-I promise I'm perfectly content as I type this. This is something that's weighed on me for a while, so I'm just trying to figure out when it's ok to say 'enough is enough'. If I can do it without being branded bitter or a quitter all the better. In my life I haven't experienced enough of the sweet to fully understand and appreciate the bitter so I think I'm more willing to give up than those who have experienced more of the opposite.

I think society does us a huge disservice by highlighting only the successes of well-known figures and celebrities. For every one over night success is another ten people who worked their asses off for the same success.

I came across this list the other day-I'm sure there are dozens more like it on the interwebs-I can't even vouch for its accuracy. I can say after reading just a few of these stories I don't know whether to be reassured that I can still make it or to be discouraged; because by the looks of it I have a long way to go:

Abraham Lincoln received no more than 5 years of formal education throughout his lifetime. When he grew up, he joined politics and had 12 major failures before he was elected the 16th President of the United States of America. (Some would argue he was one of the best Presidents in American history...)

Thomas Edison developed many devices which greatly influenced life in the 20th century. Edison is considered one of the most prolific inventors in history, holding 1,093 U.S patents to his name. When he was a boy his teacher told him he was too stupid to learn anything. When he set out on his own, he tried more than 9,000 experiments before he created the first successful light bulb.

By acclamation, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. A phenomenal athlete with a unique combination of grace, speed, power, artistry, improvisational ability and an unquenchable competitive desire. Jordan single-handedly redefined the NBA superstar. Before joining NBA, Jordan was just an ordinary person, so ordinary that was cut from his high school basketball team because of his "lack of skill".

Walt Disney was American film producer, director, screenwriter, voice actor, and animator. One of the most well-known motion picture producers in the world, Disney founded a production company. The corporation, now known as The Walt Disney company, makes average revenue of US $30 billion annually. Disney started his own business from his home garage and his very first cartoon production went bankrupt. During his first press conference, a newspaper editor ridiculed Walt Disney because he had no good ideas in film production.

Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist widely regarded as the most important scientist of the 20th century. He was awarded the 1921 Nobel Prize for Physics for his explanation of the photoelectric effect in 1905 and "for his services to Theoretical Physics". However, when Einstein was young, his parents thought he was mentally retarded. His grades in school were so poor that a teacher asked him to quit, saying, "Einstein, you will never amount to anything!" *he also failed the entrance exams to the Swiss Polytechnic Institute.

In 1947, one year into her contract, Marilyn Monroe was dropped by 20th Century-Fox because her producer thought she was unattractive and could not act. That didn't deter her at all! She kept on going and eventually she was recognized by the public as the 20th century's most famous movie star, sex symbol and pop icon. (Miss Kristen's note: For the sake of argument we'll pretend that she didn't suffer a complete meltdown due to her lack of confidence in herself.)

John Grisham's first novel was rejected by sixteen agents and twelve publishing houses. He went on writing and writing until he became best known as a novelist and author for his works of modern legal drama. The media has coined him as one of the best novel authors even alive in the 21st century.

If that (partial) list isn't interesting enough here are a few more.

• Muhammad Ali graduated 376th from a high school class of 391 students.

• Julia Roberts auditioned for All My Children but didn’t get the part.

• Dick Cheney flunked out of Yale University—twice.

• Let's not forget about Donald Trump. He is known for his Phoenix-like comebacks.

Maybe I'll keep trying--for now, anyway...

what a pain in the neck

I just can't seem to get a break. Three weeks ago I threw my back out. Then on Tuesday my neck started to bother me. Just as I was starting to feel normal again. Sheesh.

At first I thought it was because I slept on it funny and shrugged it off. Three days later not only does it still hurt, but the pain has traveled from my SCM muscle into the superior and medial parts of my Trapezius. (Sorry, my anatomy class rears its ugly head again.) I'm pretty sure now it's all stress-I was at my audition and SUPER stressed when it first started to hurt and I can pinpoint the source of pain, but I'm just not rad enough in my massage skills to work on myself and get it to let go and relax. This afternoon I did a web search to see if there was anything I could do to find some relief and make it through the day, and apparently I'm going to die. I typed in 'neck and shoulder pain relief' and every result listed something along the lines of 'neck and shoulder pain can be the symptom of more serious issues like stroke, heart attack, cancer, and meningitis.' REALLY? I just want to know how to make it through the day and now I'm freaking out that I have meningitis and am going to die before I get there. I know that's what happens when you try to be your own doctor, but come on.


If Web Md is right and I DO drop dead today I just want you all to know that I love you.

stage fright

Auditioning is one of the few things that makes me look forward to visiting my lady doctor.
Auditioning is scary, stressful, and a great way to get your hopes super high one minute, and completely dashed the next.
Unfortunately for me if I want to perform it's a necessary evil. What's even more unfortunate is I have performance anxiety of sorts. I don't know what to make of it. I can get up and perform in front of hundreds of people I don't know and not bat an eyelash. In fact-I actually LOVE the rush I get right before I go out. But put me in a little room with a panel of people (friend or not)? I experience a Pavlovian response and CHOKE, no matter how prepared I am. It's quite frustrating.

Tuesday night I had an audition. This time it's for 'Joseph' with Murray City. I was nervous, but I was ready. Monologue down? Check. Song ready to go? Check. Nerves in control? Hell no. Doesn't matter how many breathing exercises I do, or what I picture when I'm up there (FYI usually Disneyland or Mr. Wonderful), that I've worked with these people before, or that they know me, they like me, and they know the awesome I am capable of. Without fail I let my nerves and insecurities take over and I choke. Every. effing. time.

My awesome friend Steve was there accompanying me. He has helped me with my audition anxiety and he said this was the best audition he'd ever seen me have, so there may be hope yet. But I am my own worst critic and all I can think about is I NAILED my monologue, but my singing left something to be desired. Hello? Miss Kristen are you a dope? I'm a singer first and foremost. It's what I DO---yet I couldn't find the notes OR the timing? Gah. They didn't say anything to me after, but I'm pretty sure they're waiting until auditions finish tonight to make any announcements. I'm trying really really hard not to get my hopes up, but we'll see. Either way it is what it is and I'll keep you posted for sure.