I’m just beautiful me

As I get older one thing becomes more and more (painfully ) clear: I am my own WORST critic, and it needs to STOP. 

Today Husband and I had pictures taken, and tonight my photographer posted a preview on Facebook. This photo, actually: 

It's beautiful. The colors coordinate well and are bright and vivid. I am radiant. Husband is smiling (well as close as he comes to smiling for pictures anyway), and his eyes are so BLUE. We look like we are comfortable and happy with each other. 

Kate and Sassy Jose told us all through the evening how great we looked and how happy they were with the shots they were getting. I know it is not most important (or at all), but there has been a huge outpouring of love from our friends in the form of 'Likes' and positive, loving comments on Social Media. What IS most important:
This is a photograph of me and my beloved. Because of that there is not one reason I should look at this photograph with anything but a heart bursting with love. 

My initial reaction to seeing this photo? "Ugh. I have a pooch-I wish I could have found my belt so I could hide that, I'm jowly, you can totally tell I need my roots done, and to top it all off I am REALLY starting to look like a tired, middle aged woman."

WHY!? WHY DO WE DO THIS!?? 

 I am surrounded by beautiful people I am lucky enough to call friends. They come in all shapes and sizes, with so many wonderful attributes and talents. I constantly find myself comparing myself to these incredible women and tearing myself down because I don't stack up to my own stupid standards; Social Media makes it even worse. Rather than being happy with what I CAN do and a body that works and is healthy and allows me to do so many things others cannot I can only focus on the fact that I am simply not built to be a size 6 or a B cup-no matter how many treats I refuse or Zumba classes I attend (thanks hearty Dutch genes!). Instead of relishing that every day I look more and more like my beautiful, precious mother and I have a loving, supportive Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful woman alive all I can think is that I no longer look like I'm 20--like that's a bad thing. Yes, I will be 35 this year; I am closer to 40 than 20. I am officially middle aged. There. I said it. I have smile lines, crows feet, and old acne scars. But do you know what? Those smile lines and crows feet show I have lived a life that has sometimes been sad, but has mostly been full of happiness and laughter. They show I have learned and grown. And those scars? They taught me empathy and compassion; they remind me of that every time I look in the mirror. Most importantly? The scars and lines aren't as bad as I perceive them to be. 

I catch myself doing it with other parts of my life, too. I recently embarked upon an opportunity that has presented itself (it is still very much in the air so I don't want to put too much out there yet), and once I put myself out there for this opportunity I immediately began to doubt and nay say myself. 

I am always telling myself I am beautiful, good enough, capable, and qualified, yet I rarely BELIEVE IT. What good is telling ourselves these things if we refuse to actually believe them?

I am working on all of these things, and learning that confidence is not pride and self-doubt is not humility, but it is a slow process. A process I was reminded of again tonight. When I receive the rest of my images from tonight's session I will try my hardest to make sure I only focus on the positive and not the negative. I need to remember my perception isn't always correct; and the people I love clearly see something I do not, so I need to trust that. As for the days that doesn't work I will just play this on repeat, have a good cry, get up, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow. 

 

just words

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

"I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."

I remember chanting these verses on the playground as a child, but it took me well into my adult years to realize that although well-meaning they are terribly terribly wrong. Words do hurt, words can be cruel, and when used incorrectly words can be terribly, terribly damaging and demeaning. Case in point: a Facebook exchange I had with a 'friend' and one of their friends today:

 Apparently to some using the word "retarded" is ok as long as you aren't referencing a person, and you choose what words offend you--even the person who teaches special needs children thinks so. Wait...what? Although I agree there are SOME words you choose to take offense with, this is not one of them. Any word that is used to belittle or demean a group of people are not ok words to throw around in conversation.

The person who posted originally is a bright, reasonable person, and after a little stalking I learned that the other person is a Senior in High School, and seemed to be well-versed, so I'm assuming they are bright as well. I also have a feeling they grew up in the midst of the "stop the R-word" movement, so I'm having a hard time understanding how these two seemingly bright, educated people can think this vile, ugly word and words like it are ok to use merely because it is a synonym for 'dumb' and 'stupid'? That's enough reason NOT to use it IMHO.

I will admit, I used to be one of these people who used these words, never meaning harm, but not realizing it was causing harm simply because it wasn't personal to me. It wasn't until I had a brave friend stand up and point out just how hurtful those words can be-because there are people for whom these words hit a little too close to home and hit chords the utters of these words don't realize are there.

If you are one of the people who feel it's just a word, allow me to offer this from one of the MANY resources I came across when I googled "stop using the word retarded" this afternoon:

"When you use the word "retarded", you are using an antiquated word that, unfortunately has come to symbolize the struggle of people with learning disabilities.  You are using the language of the bully, you are using the language of the abuser.  You are using the language of those who hurt... and you are using it to describe your new bank fees.  When you do this, you are not only being offensive in the most literal definition, you are also being demeaning in the most literal sense of that word.  You are attributing (for example) my son's daily struggle to learn to eat, to learn to sit, to learn to read, to learn to speak, to your own inability to grasp your company's new vacation policy or what you think of some new rule in your kid's soccer league. More often than not, it seems that people use this word to describe things that they themselves don't understand or find too complicated. There is irony here."

This mother of a child with Down Syndrome goes on to say:

"Maybe you think this is my problem or I am being "too sensitive", let me ask you this:  what if we change that word to "gay".  Or the N-word. Pick your slur, one that is used to degrade and demean a group of people. Not only is it not funny anymore, but I'm betting that there is a group of people out there, like a GLAAD or an NAACP who will tell you exactly how unfunny it really is." 
(Read the full post at http://downwitdat.blogspot.com/2012/03/theres-that-word-again.html)

 You guys. If you are someone who uses this word or any other slur, please stop. Please realize that although you are smart and well bred and competent phrases like "that's retarded", "what a fag", or "that's so gay/queer" immediately makes you look like a jerk. And a little dumb. And like a great big bigot. If you think I'm the only one who feels this way just google "stop using retarded". There are over 2 million results. TWO MILLION. If that doesn't show you just how wrong this word is I don't know what will. After this exchange I couldn't stomach remaining friends with someone who felt using that word is ok as long as it's not directed at someone. Although I wish them no ill and have no hard feelings I chose it was best for me to not have that around. Please don't be that person I choose not to have around. 

http://www.r-word.org
http://goinswriter.com/stop-using-retard/
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-12488/5-words-you-should-remove-from-your-vocabulary.html

weird

WARNING: I say 'weird' a lot in this post. Like A LOT. And there may or may not be a monster photo dump at the end as well. Consider yourselves warned.

I’m still working on ‘the post’. It will be at least another 3-4 weeks before we have our photos and video, and honestly once I got my dress on I only remember maybe 30 minutes of the whole night. It's not even a continuous 30 minutes at that-more like random flashes so I’m hoping the pictures and video will help jar my memory. Until then you get this other thing I’ve been mulling over since the wedding.

As of today Mr. Wonderful and I have been married for two whole weeks. The thing I get asked the most is “how’s married life?” My reply? Weird. Married life is a lot of things-but weird tops the list for me. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy or complaining. I love Mr. Wonderful more than anything and I am so happy he chose me to share this adventure with, but it’s still weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless.

It’s weird to be Kristen Newman…Mrs. Newman…Sister Newman. It’s weird that the Seinfeld reference I thought was so funny when we first met (‘Hello, Newman’) is now one of the most annoying things ever. It’s weird to know I’m done looking for my Eternal Companion-Mr Wonderful is my guy, forever and ever. It’s weird to have him come home and snuggle up next to me every night rather than call me on his way home from work as I’m falling asleep. It’s weird to be budgeting money and sharing the expenses with him after I’ve been doing it by myself for so long. It’s weird learning how to sleep on a side vs the middle of the bed (the act of ‘star fishing’ makes sharing a bed with ANYONE problematic). Although he had seen me not looking pretty before the wedding it’s weird for him to see me with the sleep in my eyes, morning breath, grumpy ‘just leave me alone and let me wake up in peace’ demeanor, and bangs that stick straight up (no joke) when I very first wake up--every single day. It’s weird living with someone after ten years of being alone and getting used to each other’s quirks. It’s weird that all it took was a 20 minute ceremony for sex to be ok (and encouraged) after 33 years of waiting. It’s weird that I have a whole new family that loves and accepts me and it’s weird how I instantly loved them back. It’s weird to go grocery shopping for two and to make food and know that half to two-thirds of it is not going to go bad before it gets eaten. It’s weird to be buying milk twice a week. It’s weird to not be stressed all the time about dating, getting engaged, or planning a wedding and constantly being on the brink of a melt-down. It’s weird how easily we transitioned from ‘dating’ to ‘married’-especially Mr. Wonderful. He is like a duck in water. It really has been an awesome thing to watch, marriage totally suits him.  It’s weird how jarring it is to go from planning a wedding to being married and how quickly everyone’s lives go back to normal after you’ve been running at Mach speeds for so long (this change happens quite literally overnight). It’s weird that it’s not all about me and my wants and needs anymore; and it’s weird to constantly remind myself ‘I’ is now an ‘us’, and there is another person to consider when I make decisions because they don’t just affect me anymore. There’s an us here now.

So yes, being married is weird. But it’s also pretty fantastic. Although all the things I mentioned are weird, they’re pretty freaking awesome, too. I just wish people would have told me how weird it would be, and that this surreal, weird feeling is completely normal!! I also wish I had taken the people who DID say this to me seriously. Now I will reiterate it for you to ignore like I did:

Marriage is fantastic. But it’s weird. And an adjustment-even when you’ve been together as long as Mr. Wonderful and I. I’m learning no couple is exempt from this, but that’s ok! It’s an adjustment looking at your new signature and realizing that you’re still you (just new and improved), or remembering the hand turning the key in the lock at 11:30 at night is supposed to be there so there’s no need for your pulse to quicken and your adrenaline to race.

So yes, it’s weird. They don’t call it a major life change for nothing. And you know what I’m learning? It’s ok for it to be weird. There’s nothing wrong with me because it’ll be weird for the next little bit. I had 33 years to get where I was before, and no matter how wonderful and right this change is it’s going to take more than two weeks for me to get used to where I’m going next. And you know what? That gets to be ok. Good thing I have a pretty awesome, supportive, amazing, loving man by my side. That helps a lot with the weirdness, too. This marriage thing was a pretty good idea, after all. I highly recommend it. Oh, and as promised here's the photo dump to get you by--thanks to the fantastically talented Nancy for taking them!

With daddy. Look at those lashes!!

LB2 was in a car accident (he's ok!) and was in the hospital so he was unable to attend. I am SO grateful for modern technology and friends with iPads so we could Facetime him in!!

Waving to LB2 on the iPad during the ceremony.

                                                        

You bet there's a zombie on this!

Mr Wonderful wanted cupcakes, so he got cupcakes.

I don't know what this is...

I'm sorry Megan. I LOVE this picture and your "wow this is heavy face" too much!

Dancing with my daddy.

My handsome Groom dancing with my momma

I have silly nieces

My beautiful niece who wanted nothing more than to dance with me all night. She even called last night to ask when I was getting married again. Once is enough for me, baby girl.

Being scary with my nieces.

Yep. She's gorgeous. And my friend. Lucky!!

tie it up

So this happened:

Wow. The flash made me look white but my diamond sure is purty!
Don't worry. He didn't propose at my house. We took this after we got home.

Yep, it’s official. Mr. Wonderful and I are tying the knot!

We (well he) made it official August 31, but we wanted people to find out from us and not on Facebook, Instagram, the blog, or through the grapevine. So chances are if you’re reading this you already know (if you don’t I’m so sorry you were missed-unless you read it on feedly earlier this week that means  you weren't missed, stupid, stupid feedly beating me to the punch), but now that it's official official I’m just too dang excited to NOT say anything every chance I get!!! 

I say 'official official' because the REAL surprise here is we have been planning this since MAY. Yep, you read that right, Mr. Wonderful and I have been secretly planning a wedding ALL SUMMER. *insert maniacal laugh* Why wait so long before saying anything, you ask? Well we wanted a ring on my finger before we said anything, and to be honest after my first failed attempt at making it down the aisle I have been more than a little gun shy this time around. Although I know it's no guarantee of success we both REALLY wanted a ring on my finger before we said anything-mostly so that it felt real to me. I chose to play my cards close to my chest until I was sure it was a done deal. And now it is. Preparations are well on their way.

I would love to tell it here but Mr. Wonderful is a very private guy and has asked me to not share our engagement story with the interwebnets, so I’m respecting his wishes. If the curiosity is just too much to bear I am happy to share it with you personally or via private message if you would like. 

So instead of ‘the story’ here are a few things I’ve learned over the last twelve weeks: 

-I am great at keeping secrets—except my own. I may have let it slip to a few people (ok, like more than a few). Thank you all for keeping your mouths zipped when I could not!!

-Having a few people in the know was actually nice because I had people to talk to and bounce ideas off of when Mr. Wonderful was sick of getting an earful.

-Just because you title your Pinterest board ‘Someday’ doesn’t mean people won’t jump to conclusions and start asking you if you are in fact, engaged.

-You don’t have to have a ring on your finger for people to be GENUINELY happy and EXCITED for you-one person may or may not have started crying upon hearing the news. (You know who you are, and thank you for that reaction. It was priceless to me.)
-When you do finally 'have a ring on it' it's really distracting and you spend a lot of time looking at your hands.

-Although I’ve had marriage on the brain pretty much my entire life (I am a girl you know), forming all these ideas into a cohesive plan that is both economical and practical to carry out is HARD.

-Having a groom who chooses to be completely involved in the planning process is great, but it also makes planning harder because now I actually have to compromise vs "do whatever you want, I will just show up, stand where I'm told, and look good". (Good thing he has ideas that are usually better than mine anyway.)

-TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Seriously. In the time it took to look at it and then get Mr Wonderful there to fall in love with it too (24 hours) the venue went from available to not for the day we originally wanted and we had to push the date back a week.

-Although it has been a hard secret to keep, it has been fun having something just between Mr. Wonderful and me (well mostly between us).
-As worried as I was about being labeled a hypocrite or being judged for choosing to be married civilly first rather than in the temple so ALL of our nearest and dearest could be there (most importantly my daddy and our siblings), people have been super supportive and accepting of my reasons. But then I have the best family and friends ever so I shouldn't be surprised by this, right?

-Everything I thought I knew about me has been thrown out the window. Although I HOPE I haven’t been a Bridezilla I HAVE been overly-emotional. Seriously guys, tears at the drop of a hat over the most ridiculous things. Rational Kristen would have been fine, but Bride Kristen? Not so much. It’s quite embarrassing to Rational Kristen, actually.

-I REALLY wish I had followed through with when I was sixteen and decided to start saving for my wedding. Sixteen years is plenty of time to build quite the nest egg--hell, even if I'd started when Mr. Wonderful and I started dating we'd have more than enough for the wedding of our dreams! 

-We have entertained eloping more than once. If we didn’t know at least a dozen people each who would kill us for doing so we probably would have. (Plus once you start paying deposits you're kinda committed to staying put.)

-Having a seamstress for a mother is a huge blessing-I am getting exactly what I want, although having her 300 miles away makes fittings difficult.
-My whole family is just a huge blessing-my little brother is building us the arch we will be married under and then GIVING it to us to put in our yard one day--just because I mentioned it would be nice but out of our budget. Seriously, guys. Anything I have mentioned I would like but labeled 'undo-able' they have taken the initiative and figured out ways to give it to us. Best. Family. EVER. 

-As much as I thought I wanted things to play out one way: Unexpected proposal (well as unexpected as six years can get us) with a ring he chose himself, then letting everyone know and commencing with the planning, this way (as backwards as it may seem to some-including me) was perfect. I loved choosing my ring with him (waiting for him to finally give it to me-not so much) and making plans just the two of us. It’s been fun, but I’m happy to finally be able to let you in on our secret (as are the people who were sworn to secrecy I'm sure)!
-There is no such thing as 'normal' and trying to compare my normal to other people's normal is just a bad idea all around. Things happen the way they are supposed to, and just because it worked a certain way for someone else does not mean that it's how it will work out for you, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY. 

So those are just a few things I have learned over the last few months. I will say October 23 can not come fast enough-I can hardly wait to start my new life with Mr. Wonderful. It’s been a long time coming and patience in the Lord’s timing definitely pays off. He is the perfect man for me and I love him so much.

Because I don’t want to be “that person” I am trying to be sensitive to people I love, so after this post I will be trying to not spam everyone with anything that isn’t solicited, but I am happy to tell you anything you want to know personally!
(Or you can visit the wedding blog I've set up-provided I make time to post there too www.scottandkristen2013.blogspot.com. If that fails you can visit our website if you wanna. www.scottandkristen2013.com/)

we're all equal-unless you're different from me

What I’m about to write is a very heated topic with little to no gray area for most. I’m sure there will be a few of you reading this who don’t agree with what I have to say. That’s ok, but this is my blog, and I write about what I want. You choose to continue reading. Although I never intend to offend and I try to keep things light and fun, writing my feelings about this topic in my journal over and over and over isn’t helping me to feel better. Maybe putting it here will. I am not intending to offend anyone, and if I do I am truly sorry. I’m just trying to comprehend. If you choose to read on you may feel the need to comment. Please do. I welcome open, respectful conversations, EVERYONE’S right to have a differing opinion, and the right to make those opinions heard—even if I don’t agree.  HOWEVER-please be advised I will NOT tolerate hateful, hurtful, goading, or attacking comments. They will be immediately deleted and my relationship with you will be reconsidered. If you choose to read on you are agreeing to the terms mentioned above.

Change is a comin’. The LGBT community is demanding it. And do you know what? I’M ALL FOR IT. Yep, this little Mormon girl from Salt Lake is for Gay Rights. Why, you may ask? Because I feel that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t understand how people can feel they have the right to rob someone else of happiness. I know I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me that the love Mr. Wonderful and I share is evil, and immoral, and an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, so who am I to say that to someone else? Some of you may argue that “the Bible says”. Ok, so WHAT if the Bible says? The Bible also says to love one another and to leave the judging up to God, but we definitely have no problem ignoring those passages.  You don’t get to pick who you love any more than you got to pick your parents or the color of your skin. Am I saying to ignore what you believe to be true and follow what the mainstream tells you to do? Of course not. Am I asking you to show everyone the same unconditional love Christ shows for us all? Abso-frickin-lutely.

When I was young I felt differently. I even voted for Utah Constitutional Amendment 3. This is probably the biggest regret I have and one of the things I am most ashamed of.  Mostly because at my young age I didn’t really understand what I was doing. Although I have never had a problem with the LGBT community I was following the current, and not really thinking for myself (evidence there just how dangerous uneducated voters are, but I digress). Two days after that election I was at work talking to one of my regular customers about the outcome. He also happened to be gay. He expressed his profound sadness about the decision and his anger at the pride of people for thinking we had the right to tell him how to live his life. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Why would people want to deny me the opportunity to marry someone I love?” After that it was personal for me and I have never wished so badly that I could take something back. Seeing the tears in my friend’s eyes and knowing that I had caused him pain with my actions will be something I regret forever. That experience taught me just how important our agency is, and how it’s even more important to not take that away from others. Agency is the one thing Heavenly Father won’t take from us. Why do we feel we are allowed to do so? There are exceptions to this, of course. When someone is putting themselves or others in danger or taking away the rights of others, then yes, we need to step in and say ‘no’. I just don’t understand how something as silly as a man wanting to marry another man is enough to send us into upheaval.

People will argue the ‘sanctity of marriage’. To that I say bullshit. Marriage has NEVER been sacred--wait, let me re-phrase. Marriage is only as sacred as the people entering into it treat it. Marriage began as a business transaction and a way for countries to maintain peace. It’s only within the last 200 years that people have actually married for love, and not for some sort of monetary benefit. Even marriage in the last 50 years has changed drastically. I know many married couples who don’t plan to have, nor want, children. Fifty years ago this was unheard of. Yes, marriage is an important step for some who want to have a family, but it’s not the sole reason to do it anymore. The people who argue ‘then what’s the point in getting married’ ask the elderly couple, the infertile couple, the couple who were finished having children before they remarried why and they’ll tell you: LOVE. Two gay men marrying each other will no more sully the reputation of marriage any more then we heterosexuals have done. This isn’t a new thing. Henry VII was married EIGHT times, and MURDERED TWO because of his roving eye. If you want to see a modern day version, look around you. It’s in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce, the bed-hopping culture we live in, the Kim Kardashians and Britney Spears who change husbands the way we change clothes. The spouses who couldn’t remain faithful if they tried, and the people who joke “this is only my first marriage. I have time” have completed that task. I just don’t understand how people who have known each other for hours can run to Vegas in a drunken stupor and get married, but a loving, committed gay couple who have spent their entire lives to each other cannot. Yes, the LGBT community has a reputation for being promiscuous, but guess what? The hetero community is JUST AS BAD. You don’t believe me watch any reality show on television or go to a bar or dance club. Denying the whole something because of the actions of a few is unfair and WRONG, and I will do everything I can to make my voice heard.

Yes there are arguments about the church part-they will lose their tax-exempt status for refusing to marry a gay couple, yadda yadda, yadda. Frankly, I’m not worried about that. Most of the gay friends I have are spiritual, but not religious, and the likelihood of them wanting to marry in a church (or temple) in a religious ceremony is about as likely as any of us growing another limb. Yes there will be people who will try, but I truly believe it won’t be the issue everyone is making it out to be so for me it’s a moot point.

The bottom line for me is it hurts my heart to see such hate camouflaged as Christianity. Denying people their right to choose is NOT Christian. Watching my best friend worry about whether he will get to marry the person he loves while I take it for granted hurts my heart so badly. To those of you who don't agree, but don't stoop to hateful, bible-bashing, 'you are evil and going to hell' comments, I am not talking to you. I understand and respect your right to feel differently. I just don't understand why. I'm LDS and this is the biggest problem I have with the Church. It is something I struggle with. Every. Day. Yes I understand the Gospel says it's wrong, but I also struggle with the fact we came here to have and exercise AGENCY. Although you don't choose to be gay if you choose to do something that contradicts those Gospel teachings how are you any different from the adulterers, thieves, and murderers? It may be a poor comparison, yes, but my point is they are exercising their right to choose, why can't everyone? How will gays being able to marry and have what we all strive for going to ruin and tarnish our own heterosexual relationships or diminish the value of what WE have with the person we love? How can some parents look at their gay children and in essence say 'You are not allowed to be happy because you are different from the rest of us'?
How ashamed will we feel in 50 years, looking back, and seeing how we treated our fellow man? I just don't understand, someone please help me understand how inequality equates to love and compassion? Forty years ago black men weren't allowed to hold the Priesthood because they were black. Now they can. Just three years ago the Church's stance on homosexuality was that it was a choice. Just last month they released a statement saying this isn't true-it's not a choice. I just don't understand how something that is so unlikely to affect us more than hey 'John can go see his husband in the ICU now when he couldn't before' is such a huge deal. Why are we taking it upon ourselves to be judge, jury, and executioner? It's the Lord's job to judge us, not ours. So why can't we all just focus on ourselves and our families and leave it at that?