blessed

As I sit waiting for my last pie to bake, enjoying the glorious sounds of my Christmas Pandora station, and wondering how in the world I'm going to get two pies, rolls, and yams to my In-Laws by myself as Mr. Wonderful will be going there straight from work, I decided rather than being overwhelmed by this task to be overwhelmed with gratitude instead. I needed to list the things I am thankful for, because I really am blessed.

• A loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with much more than I deserve. 
• The Guardian Angels He sent to keep my family safe on October 21. You guys. Their accident should have been so much worse than it was, but it wasn't because of Heavenly Father and His angels. God is good, and merciful, and sends angels to keep our loved ones safe. My beloved siblings are proof of that.
• An amazing husband who loves, cares for, and supports me, no matter how crazy the plan or hair-brained the scheme. I know every girl says this about their spouse, but Mr. Wonderful is pretty amazing, and I pretty much have to pinch myself every day because I still can't believe he chose me, the most undeserving of all. 
• My family. I was very blessed to be born into the family I was, and over the last few years my brothers have chosen the best women and as a result I have the best nieces and nephew. We're wild, crazy, and at times dysfunctional, but they are mine and I love them so much. 
• My new In-laws. Even before I married their son and brother they have welcomed me into their family with open arms and have made me a part of their family. 
• Technology. Yes it can be the bane of our existence at times, but it is also a huge blessing. Without it LB2 would have missed our wedding, but because of technology we were able to FaceTime him in from the hospital so he could watch and be a part of the ceremony. 
• Good friends. For fear of forgetting someone I won't name names, but I am so thankful for friends who love, support, lift me up, teach me, forgive when I mess up, and have been my family when I have needed one since mine is so far away. You step in to help with anything I need, big or small, giving of your time, labor, and talents, looking for nothing more than a smile and hug in return. If you're reading this odds are you are on this impossibly long list, and please know just how much I love you.
• Work. It's not all sunshine and roses, but there are a lot of people without work right now, so I know how incredibly blessed I am. 
• A healthy body. After all the health problems I was plagued with last year it made me love and appreciate my healthy body so much more. 
• My talents. Not only have I been blessed with many talents I am also blessed with the ability to share them with others regularly. That is pretty amazing! 
• THIS
• Parents who taught me to stand up for what is right, even if it doesn't make you popular, the value of things, not the cost, and that family is more precious than any thing you can possess. 

This is no where near the complete list, but brevity is the order of the day on this blog. Happy Thanksgivukkah to you all and don't be too gluttonous tonight!!

to forgive divine?

I have a past. Everyone does. What do you do when a part of your long-gone-almost forgotten past comes-a-knocking?

In High School I had a "friend". Then I called him my "best friend". Looking back now I know he was anything but...wait, that’s not fair. He had moments when he was a good friend and even lived up to the title I had bestowed on him, but they were few and far between…but maybe I’m saying that now because my view is marred…anyway.

Since meeting as Sophomores he had a thing for me and he always wanted me to give him a chance romantically. Finally during our Senior year of High School I agreed to take our friendship to the next level. It ‘worked’ for about two weeks…until he cheated on me. Well, I say we were just in a fight that hadn't been resolved when he cheated, he says we were broken up. Tomato tomahto. After that we went back to being friends and there was a lot of back and forth-he wanted me when he couldn’t have me, wasn’t interested when I was, etc. After a while I decided to stop the insanity, take the romantic card off the table, and just be friends again because his home life wasn't that great and I knew he needed a good friend above all else. 

I’ll spare you the details, but a lot happened in the time following our break up. As my 'friend' he continued to break my heart. Sometimes he cared he had, but most of the time he didn’t. The best word I can use to describe him is cavalier. In the years following High School he was in and out of my life-him telling me he had changed and he was going to be a better friend, me foolishly believing him and subsequently having my heart broken. He was still the king of wanting me when he couldn’t have me and completely disinterested when I would make myself available in a romantic regard. I allowed him to manipulate me and I missed out on other great opportunities as a result. By the time I was twenty I was over it and ended the friendship for good. I made myself clear that I was done being used and I had no interest in being a part of his life again—ever. I thought it was a clean break. I thought I would be free to go on with my life as normal. I thought wrong.

The first time he tried to get back in touch with me was a couple years after I ended things. We shared a mutual friend, I’ll call her A — but I should say friend is a generous word. He was about as good a friend to A as he was to me—so he quickly became an acquaintance to her. Because she’s a good person she humored him and played messenger. A refused to let him know anything about me-contact info, where I was, and what I was doing. She was my gatekeeper and I wanted it that way.  This happened almost every two to three years like clock work-I would start to feel confident he wouldn't try again, only to find another half-hearted, cocky attempt waiting for me in my in-box, or a text from A saying he had called again looking to get in touch with me. I had so much latent anger and hurt from him that I was still trying to process, and I had NO DESIRE to have him in my life, yet I couldn't seem to shake him. To me he was poison, and above all else I was still angry at myself for letting him make a fool out of me time after time when all I ever wanted from him was the friendship I so freely and unconditionally gave to him. Then he stopped trying to reach me. I thought he had finally clued in and that I was free of him hassling me.

When Myspace became a big thing he searched me out and tried again to contact me. He caught me off guard so my filters failed me. I let him have it. Eight years of latent hurt, anger, resentment, all came raining down on him in that email. He got it all. I took pot shots. I didn’t care. I wanted him to KNOW how much he hurt me, and I wanted him to hurt like I had all those times. I held all the cards, and we both knew it, so there were no holds barred. I had nothing to lose, and he had everything to gain if I let him back in my life. Once again I told him no way and to leave me alone. And he did. Until Monday morning.

Although I keep my Facebook as locked down as possible, I still make my profile searchable (what's the point of being on social networking if you refuse to be social? Just because someone can request my friendship doesn't mean I'm obligated to accept it...) He found me. He apologized and asked me for forgiveness. He even asked for the opportunity to earn my friendship back and get to know me again. His other letters were always so cocky, so self-centered, so much about how hard it's been for him, how horrible he has felt all these years, how he needed me in his life. He never worried about what his actions had done to me. This one felt grown-up, not at all about him, and shockingly enough it feels sincere. It's been two days and I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. My decision would have been easy had his most recent email been half as phony as the other ones, but it wasn't. I think I've processed the anger and hurt and have started to genuinely forgive him, but I don't know if I need him in my life the way he clearly thinks he needs me since he keeps making the effort to contact me. He lost my trust a long time ago. I also know people can change, but I have been burned too many times by this person. I am not willing to give him a chance to hurt me again, and sometimes the past is best left in the past. Even as I'm writing this I realize how much it sounds like a battered wife, and that right there should be my answer. I think more than anything I'm afraid of being a bad person. I want to take the high road on all of this and be able to stand before the Lord and account with a clear conscience, but I am older, wiser, less trusting, and admittedly more cynical then I was all those years ago. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I know I don't trust him, but I know I need to forgive him. I'm trying, but because those scars are so deep they have taken a VERY long time to heal and I don't know if I have actually forgiven him or just become indifferent to the whole thing.  

IF I decide to give him a chance, it will be on my terms, not his. He will earn every millimeter he is given, and I will have zero tolerance for slip-ups. One thing and it's done. I have done just fine without having him in my life. He will have a very short leash with very limited access to me. He will not have my cell number, email, or know where I live. All his contact will be restricted to his very limited access to my profile on Facebook.  Even knowing all of this I'm still very hesitant. Mr Wonderful said to do what I'm comfortable with and he'll support me no matter what. Is my intuition telling me not to do this or are my past experiences with this person clouding my judgement here?

busy pants

I'm always a little taken aback when people tell me I keep myself busy. I'm not like Riss or Meg and have to schedule my time out months in advance *wink wink*. I'm usually available for last-minute things, and my schedule is relatively open, but after a little reflection I realized I am a pretty busy girl-just in different ways:

-I helped Sparky coordinate (well I made food platters) coronation for one of the MANY things he's involved in.
-I attended my first Pride this weekend. It was fun to have a new experience and to see so many of my friends!
-Since my friends are so great at supporting me I've been trying to support them more, too! (Hedwig, Chicago, Seussical, and Pirates! Of Penzance?, and a stop by the Canyon Inn to catch Channel Z are next on the list)
-A quick (and I mean quick) flight to St George for my Lexi bug's first birthday, then right back home that night so I could do a show the next day.
-Trying to keep going to tap, but rehearsals have taken over there, too...
-Mr Wonderful is still working swing shift (YUCK), so we try and see each other as much as we can during the week-usually involves odd hours and runs to the gas station for a cherry coke and twenty minutes to fill each other in on our days. We try to make Saturdays our day, but sometimes my business gets in the way...
-I have been cast in THREE shows in the last six months, and they have all been pretty substantial roles-oh, you know about Spitfire, the massive undertaking that was Blithe Spirit, but not the third? That is because I was just cast as Missy in the 'Marvelous Wonderettes' this last weekend with my old friends Meg and Melody, and new friend Paige. We started rehearsals yesterday, we totally rock, I love the pro team, the script is so cute and funny, and it's lots of good old school 'bubble gum' music from the 1950's and 1960's that I am having a BALL learning. We open in July, and I am SO EXCITED to finally (Oh, I didn't tell you I've auditioned for this show every time I've seen a posting for it and never been cast until now? Well I have.) be a part of this show. Stay tuned-details to follow!

Cindy Lou (Melody), Missy (me), Suzie (Meg), and Betty Jean (Paige)

So all of this coupled with the fact Mr Wonderful has been cleaning my kitchen lately more than I care to admit I guess I DO keep myself pretty busy after all...

love, love, love

Sometimes you forget just how blessed you are and it takes a monumental pile of crap to remind you that it's not as bad as you think. The last few weeks have been a monumental pile of crap and today I am overwhelmed with love for a few people. So much so I have to put it out there lest I continue to feel ungrateful for not putting it out there.

I know I say it all the time, but Mr. Wonderful more than earns his blog name. I don't know how he does it, but he balances my random craziness with his steady, even keel. He reminds me that life doesn't always need to be taken so seriously, that it's ok to act like a little kid now and then, and that his taste in things isn't as bad as I think. He is caring and considerate and knows when to step up and pick up the slack. He does so quietly without looking for recognition. He does it merely because he loves me. He supports my passions-even when I know going to the theatre isn't his favorite thing. He will humor me when I volunteer us to pose for friends who are trying to build their photography portfolios. He is quick to recognize what I need and be that man for me-the hands to lift me up, the shoulder to cry on, or the person who sits quietly next to me while I vent. Is our relationship perfect? No. But he is perfect for me and I am so grateful for him. I thank my lucky stars for whatever I did that made HF see fit to send him to me by making our paths cross again. He is such a wonderful man, and I am so happy I get to call him mine.

I don't know how I lived 26 years without Sparky in my life. He is the yin to my yang, the Blanche to my Rose, the Carrie to my Charlotte. Meeting him was truly kismet and I thank my lucky stars I can call him one of my very best friends. He is the person who not only convinced me to think outside the box and audition for a straight play instead of my standard musical, but also that I could do it. We are so alike it's almost scary, and he is my go-to person for all things 'chicky'-much to Mr. Wonderful's relief. We can go on a week-long vacation together and come out the back side still loving each other as much as we did when we left, we talk about anything and everything, we aren't afraid to call each other on our respective crap, and even if we go months without talking (it's happened), we pick up right where we left off like nothing has changed.

Almost two years ago I met Stephen. We've spent these two years as acquaintances, following each other on Facebook and our blogs, but I have been so blessed in getting to know him better after playing opposite him for these last few months. Stephen is handsome and kind, caring, supportive and witty, extremely talented, eloquent and uber smart (I frequently feel inferior to his knowledge), and funny as hell. I figured he was, being as he's in an improv troupe and all, but WOW. All I do is laugh when he's around. He has a soft side he tries so hard to hide with cynicism, but once you can get past that and see the real Stephen there is so much more to him. He has helped me so much in the past 8 weeks-he has been my cheerleader, my support, a great ego-booster, and above all my friend. I am SO grateful for him and the fact that I can now call him a friend instead of just an acquaintance.

Around the same time I met Stephen I met Justina. She is the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I know. She will quite literally drop everything she is doing, drive out to the Magna library, and run lines with you for an hour even if you haven't seen her in ages merely because you needed her to. She is so supportive (and has come to see Blithe two-or is it three? times), funny, talented, and so full of Christ-like love for everyone. I'm sure there's not a mean or hateful bone in her body, I admire her immensely, and wish I was more like her. I just love her guts.

Theatre families are an interesting dynamic. Sometimes you hate them, and sometimes you really hit it off with them. My cast mates in 'Blithe' have made this one of the best theatre experiences I've ever had. Yes it's been hard, stressful, and there were times I didn't think I would be ready in time. But we were, and it has been amazing working with so many wonderful people. As ready as I am to move onto the next adventure I am sad for this weekend and knowing I won't be able to see these wonderful people as regularly as I am now.

When I met Karalee I was a 20-something and she was fresh out of High School. Now I'm a 30-something and she's fresh out of cosmetology school with a sweeter than sweet husband. I am so grateful that our paths crossed again, not only because she does my hair for me but also because I genuinely look forward to seeing her. I love talking to her and she is another one of those people I can go forever without seeing and we still manage to pick up where we left off. Kar is kind and compassionate, patient, and long-suffering. In short I wish I was more like her.

The list goes on and on, and I hate making public declarations like this because I always worry someone will be hurt because I haven't mentioned them. If you're reading this rest assured I am grateful for you. These are just the people who have been on my mind the most lately and I couldn't NOT say something about them. (And thanks for letting me steal photos off your Facebook pages everyone.) :)

is it convenient for you now?

Today I got an email from someone that I literally haven't spoken to in five years. FIVE. Normally these surprises are welcomed, but it was one of THOSE emails-you all know what I'm talking about, the "hey, we haven't been in the same room since 2005, let alone talked, but hey let's all get together like nothing has changed and I haven't been the self-absorbed, worst friend imaginable."

I understand friendship is a two-way street, and for the first few years I tried to keep up my end-emails, birthday wishes, Christmas cards with the annual update, very simple, but very easy to reciprocate usual-all to no avail. Then I just decided to stop being the one who cared. That's when something happened. I realized I didn't miss them. I didn't miss the way I managed to leave their presence feeling less than a person because I wasn't married and popping out babies. I didn't miss feeling that I needed to survive rather than enjoy their presence. I didn't miss putting on my fake smile and pretending I was OK with the fact that although I had managed to keep myself somewhat informed about what was going on in their lives they had no idea what was going on with mine-which is shocking because in case you haven't noticed I'm a pretty open book...

I'm just bugged. REALLY bugged by the fact that they are acting like we have all stayed these great friends all this time and we can just pick up where they decided to drop off. Yeah, THAT'S not happening. At least not for me. Nothing bothers me more as a single lady (put your hands up!) then when friends get married and start families they immediately become too "busy" associate with their single friends. It's more like they become too bothered.

I realize I'm letting this bother me WAY more than I should, but come on. If I was really that important to you in the first place you would MAKE time for me in your life-even if it's only a text on my birthday and a card at Christmas, right? It shouldn't matter if you're married, single, living across the country, or having a child every year. If someone is important to you you MAKE TIME for them, not just expect them to come running when you call. I know this because I have several people in my life who have kept me around after all the life-changing stuff and don't treat me like it's a burden or weird to have me around because we're in different stages of our lives. Just because I'm not where you are doesn't make me less of a person. I'm sick of people who are supposed to be my "friends" treating me like a leper.

ok, end of rant....



register or die

“Let's be honest. Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners. Or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you -- the baby (wedding) shower."

~Carrie Bradshaw

I love my friends. I do. I love that they want me to share in their happiness and subject invite me to their bridal/wedding/baby showers. What I DON'T love is when they force ask me to buy ridiculously expensive gifts off a boutique registry that is CLEAR across town, ESPECIALLY when I can get almost identical stuff from Target. That's across the street from my house. For a fraction of the cost. I try to practice good gift-giving etiquette and stick to the registry, but COME ON.

I get that you are starting out and you need, well EVERYTHING. I also understand there are some things that are just expensive no matter where you go. I have no problem contributing because let's face it-I'm expecting you to return the favor when I marry/have kidlets, but come on. Are you so worried about appearances that you will make it almost impossible for those of us who can't afford the $150 car seat to give you something? If we're being honest here, and I like to think we are-I wouldn't ask you to spend $40 on a blanket for me, so do you really think I'm gonna do it for your kid knowing full well that it's gonna be used as a puke rag? And what about convenience? My idea of a fun afternoon isn't driving clear across town to the ONLY location in the state to buy over-priced binkies.

What ever happened to the days of Target and Bed Bath and Beyond? Am I totally behind the times in thinking these are completely acceptable places to register for gifts?

I'm not driving clear across town to visit one store, and I'm definitely not spending $50 on an outfit your kid will be too big for in eight weeks. Is it awful of me to buy items that aren't on the registry (but are damn near identical) from another place simply because I refuse to drive clear across town and pay double for a product I can get somewhere else cheaper?

Or am I just being a catty biotch who is bitter she didn't get a gift registry when she started out because she is still single? Do I need to suck it up and stop whining?  

attention whore

You wanna know the best way to get people's attention on Facebook? 

Put a well-known line from one of your favorite movies as your status update. Sit back and watch the hilarity ensue as your friends add THEIR favorite lines from said movie into the comments.

Today's movie I quoted to get said attention?

Ok, ok, I didn't post it to get attention. I DID post it because "Are you crazy? A man in a really nice trailer is gonna put our song on the radio. Gimme a pen. I'm signin', you're signin', we're all sighnin'." randomly popped into my head at lunch and I had to share.

It's quite possibly one of the best movies. With some of the best one-liners. Evar. What? You've never seen it? Do yourself a favor and rent it-or else I'll have to sic Captain Geech and the Shrimp-Shack Shooters on you...

You can thank me later.

if ever i would leave you

Yesterday I left work early (woo-hoo holidays!) and went to visit Mr. Wonderful at his being as he is literally five minutes away.

He introduced me to one of his newbs, and somehow we got on the subject of "my arts" which then went to the beautiful Miss Brittnie Behunin who is-well-exquisite. And a red head. A REAL red head. Mr. Wonderful's only known kryptonite (aside from me). I know I shouldn't, but I just can't resist giving him a hard time about this, because when we first started hanging out (no, really, we hung out before we started dating, not that stupid cloak and dagger method of "not really dating dating" some men choose to employ.) he told me what kind of girl he was attracted to, and natural redheads were part of that list. Well, the top of that list actually. That makes me laugh. Why you ask? In case you haven't noticed I am NOT a red head- yet I know he is hopelessly in love with me. So much for types, huh?

I jokingly told him he was going to leave me for Miss Brittnie, and his reply?

"If I was going to leave you for anyone in your shows it would be Larissa."

There you have it folks. Larissa gets everything I want*. Roles, cute figure, and now my man.
Oh well. Can't say I blame him. She IS adorable. And tiny-especially next to me. ;)

That's Britt. #1039. Looking gorgeous. Like always.
Yes that's me behind her looking not quite so amazing.

*Mr. Wonderful will NEVER leave me for another woman, nor am I worried he ever will. I just have to give him-and Riss grief (who is better than I could have been in any role she played because she's "it's not fair" type of talented.) because I love them so. And I have nothing but love for Miss Brittnie. She is exquisite and absolutely wonderful.

what if...

Although I have few regrets I sometimes wonder how different my life would be had I made different choices. These moments of insight are usually brought on by extreme exhaustion-because I'm a big fat baby when I'm mentally, emotionally, or physically beat.

I was reading a dear friend's post this morning, and after commenting I got to thinking about my own botched second chance story and asking myself the dreaded "what if". We need a little background first...

It was the beginning of summer circa 2000. I was working as an Assistant Manager over events at the Hollywood Connection and my matchmaker boss thought it would be a good idea to set me up with her son, Butthead (you can already tell how this story ends, can't you?). Wait-that's not fair--I shouldn't tarnish your impression of him just yet. Let's call him Beavis instead.

Beavis and I had a small flirtation going (we all worked together), so I agreed to the set up. Being 19 and stupid I fell for Beavis. HARD. He remained true to boy form and "played it cool"-us adults call it giving someone the run around and playing games. I had tried to convince myself that Beavis was "playing it cool" because he was leaving for his mission in August. Although we only went on the one date we began to spend more time together in the days leading up to his departure and he told his sister (my friend) that he was seriously considering marrying me when he got home. About three months after he left I started dating my best friend and 'Dear Johned' Beavis--well I would have if he hadn't gotten sick and had to come home early. After a well-intentioned attempt to date two men at once, Beavis turned into a Butthead and Superman Lover won out. In the intrest of full disclosure I have to say I did NOT handle this situation well--but in my defense I was 20 and had never had one man vying for my affections, let alone two. Beavis just made my decision easier by not ever asking me out but having no problem being a jealous jerk any time I did anything with Superman Lover--who DID ask me out.

Fast forward six years. Superman Lover and I had broken off our engagement about ten months earlier and I thought I might be ready to dip my toes into the shallow end of the dating pool. Since I was 25 (old maid by Utah LDS standards), I wasn't sure how to get back into that whole scene so I signed up for a few (LDS) online dating sites hoping to ease my way into things. Who should be one of the first people I was matched with? None other than Butthead-no joke. Being as time (and my recent heartbreak) had offered me a certain level of clarity on how I had handled the situation with Butthead I messaged him and apologized. About a month later he wrote back, texts and phone calls were shared, and he eventually asked me out again. Even after all that time he still tried to "play it cool" and act as if he was doing me a favor by spending time with me. Of course like an idiot I fell hard for Butthead. AGAIN-although I like to think it was because I was on the rebound and adjusting to being single after so long-not because I was a pathetic sap. Looking back I'm pretty sure he was just getting me back for choosing Superman Lover, but I was up to my eyeballs in smitten-ness to realize let alone accept he just wasn't that into me.

During this time my path had crossed  yet again with Mr. Wonderful. For those of you who don't know how we met here's the abridged version:
We met in High School-we had Seminary together. We had mutual crushes on each other but he never acted on it because he says he was told "He was too young for me"-which is all entirely possible given how shallow I was in HS, although I don't remember saying it. After HS our paths would cross at random times-most notably almost immediately after Superman Lover and I got engaged and then again around the time I was chasing Butthead like a fool. He tells me now that during the time I was following Butthead around his texts asking to "do something" was his attempt to ask me out, but in my book "hanging out" is NOT dating. As a result I would find excuses to not go and focus my time on Butthead instead, although there was one exception-I finally agreed and told Mr. Wonderful I would "hang out" with him. We met at the movies-saw some horribly forgettable Jason Statham movie, and had dinner afterwards. Looking back I remember feeling something for him then, but because I was still so ridiculously hung up on Butthead and nursing a wounded heart post-Superman Lover I shrugged it off as nothing.

Ok, back to the story: fast forward another seven months-I was up to my eyeballs in smitten-ness and playing occasional NCMO buddies with Butthead (Riss, I know, I KNOW. I'm ashamed to admit it-it is one of my few regrets.) trying to convince myself it was something it wasn't, when Mr. Wonderful texted me out of the blue to remind me to pre-order my copy of HP7. I started talking more and more to Mr. Wonderful and less and less to Butthead at this point. July 21 finally rolled around and I headed to Barnes and Noble with a couple friends to join in on the realease party festivites. Mr. Wonderful was there of course, and the rest is history. (If you want to know the particulars I'm happy to share.)

The whole point of this rambling post is this: how would my life have been different had I actually given Mr. Wonderful a chance? What could have happened had we actually dated in High School? What would have happened if I had blown Butthead off rather than Mr. Wonderful? Although I have NO REGRETS in my time with Superman Lover I can't help but wonder how things would be different today had I made different choices knowing what I know now.

Too bad life isn't like a Choose Your Own Adventure book and you can read ahead to the end and choose the path you like best. I know that would have saved me a lot of embarassing and painful memories...

attitude of gratitude

Sometimes it takes something huge to make you realize just how blessed you are. Then there are other times, in the chaos of life, a moment of quiet thought it hits you like a train-BAM! Last night I had one of those moments while I was driving home. I am especially grateful for this revelation right this moment because I have been going through a bit of a hard time lately (What? Really? You couldn't tell from my bi-polar posts over the last few weeks?), and sometimes all it takes is a bit of a reality check to put things into perspective. So if you don't mind I'm gonna take a few and share some of the things I'm most grateful for right now-in no particular order.

Mr. Wonderful. He really is wonderful-and I'm not just saying that. He is always so thoughtful and considerate towards me. He tries so hard to make sure I'm happy and he is ALWAYS showing me how much he loves me. He brought me milk and cleaned my house last night just to be helpful-between work and rehearsals (All Shook Up!) I have had little time for sleep, let alone much else. Come on, what boyfriend DOES that? He is such a good man, I know he will be a wonderful husband and father, and I just can't wait to marry him in the (hopefully) near future. (No, that is NOT an announcement.)

The Bestie. I am lucky enough to have found a once in a lifetime friend early on. She is much more than what I deserve. She is humble and considerate, forgiving to a fault, and is an example of everything I should be in my own life. It hasn't always been easy-I am a pill after all-yet she continues to allow me to share in her life. I couldn't love her more if she was my own flesh and blood. Words just can't express what she means to me.

My Talents- but more importantly I am grateful for the opportunity I get to share them with others. That is what TRULY makes me happy. I am even more grateful for the people that are so patient with me and teach me how to be the best I can be while I'm sharing those talents with all of you.

My Friends. I have been blessed with some INCREDIBLE people in my life-so many that it's just not possible to list you all-although I WISH I could. (psst! If you're reading this, I'm totally talking to YOU). YOU are an extension to my family down south. YOU are the people that buoy me up and make me want to be better. YOU are the ones who show me the kind of person I want to be. I have learned something from each and every one of you; for that I will forever be indebted to YOU.

My Family. My family is everything to me. Without them all I would be LOST. I am so so so blessed to have been born into the family I was-immediate and extended. I have the best parents possible who are so supportive, loving, and proud of me.

Kidlets. I am so blessed with the cutest, sweetest, smartest, and most loving nieces and nephews. I am also so lucky that I get to play Auntie to all of your children. Thank you for letting me use my maternal instincts and share their lives with you. It means more to me than you will ever know, and I love them all so so so much.

My Heavenly Father. I am by no means the best person or the best member of my religion, but I am so grateful that I don't feel as lost as a lot of people I know do. I'm so grateful that He's always there, patiently waiting for me to quit being a mule and allow Him to help me. I can often feel how much He loves me, and it's pretty amazing-especially because I know how difficult I am. I don't think about it as much as I should, but it's pretty incredible that I am a Child of God.

Although I've only mentioned the big stuff, every now and then we need to be reminded just how blessed we are-even if all we can come up with is the small stuff. It's amazing the perspective you gain when you stop and actually focus on what you have, instead of what you don't.

why can't we be friends?

I have a friend. You may remember them from this post. I would like to say things have gotten better between us, but they haven't. It's possible things have gotten even worse. I want to save this relationship more than anything, but I feel we are at a stalemate. I will never be able to support certain decisions they are making, and as a result I'm not in their life anymore. Now I'm not playing the 'woe is me' angle, just stating these are the consequences of my choices-like it or not. For the record I HATE it.

When I try to be in touch with this person and try to reconnect with them I get a lot of 'yeah that sounds like fun, I'll let you know', and more importantly, 'we need to get together to talk about this', but nothing ever comes to fruition. They are the ones with the schedule conflicts so I ask them to let me know what days/nights work for them and I'll make it happen. They say ok, sounds good, then NOTHING. Honestly it feels like a brush-off. I'm at a loss. I want to save this relationship, but not only do I NOT know what I need to do-but also I feel like the other person doesn't care enough to try. I can't do it alone, but I'm also not going to be a nag about it. Am I asking for too much for it to be a team effort? I know they have a lot on their plate, I KNOW they're going through a lot, and I don't have any desire to add to the burden, but I also know what they're willing to save, and it feels like our friendship isn't on that list. That hurts. A lot.

So dear readers, I'm coming to YOU. I hope I have kept it as unbiased as possible because I need to know what you would do in this situation. Should I continue to try and save something that is becoming more and more one-sided or should I just let go and move on?

breakin up is hard to do



No this picture is not relevant in any way, shape, or form.
I just thought it was funny.

 You meet through a friend. You're a bit worried, but they soon win you over with their charisma and wonderful personality. You begin to build a relationship based on trust with them, and it becomes more and more difficult to remember what your life was like without them in it.

Then things change. You don't know if you can continue the relationship--although you REALLY want to. It's not bad at all, just hard. It becomes even harder when distance is thrown into the mix. You know you have to break the news, but you just don't know how. You begin to wonder if you will ever find someone worthy enough to attempt to fill their shoes. Each day becomes more and more stressful, because you know the longer you put it off the harder it becomes to say what needs to be said. You have been a ball of stress for weeks because you just don't know how to break the news...

*   *   *   *   *



No I'm not talking about Mr. Wonderful and I. Don't worry, we are great. Better than great-we are SWELL...is swell better than great?

I'm talking about my hairdresser. She is wonderful and fabulous, has become a great friend, and about the only one I trust with my tresses. She is the reason so many envy my hair-I don't know what she does, but she's magic. I can't say enough nice things about her. I simply adore her. I have been seeing her for about two and a half years and I LOVE her. There's only one problem. She's expensive. Like $120 every eight weeks expensive. When I was working at Joe's I could justify the expense because it was all tip money. Even after I quit I made it work because I love her so much. Your hair is the ONLY thing you wear every day so it should look great, right?

Looking into buying a home has made me REALLY evaluate my budget and where I have placed my priorities. My fear of failing and/or being a failure ranks right up there with being alone, so I'm trying to trim as much fat off my spending as possible. I got the perfect out about a week ago when she emailed me to let me know she had left the salon I saw her at and was looking at other places. Instead of telling her 'good luck' I said she had my business as long as she wanted it-which is true-but right now it's just a stretch. I thought I might have a little time, but she emailed me a few days later and said she'd taken a job at a salon in Daybreak and she hoped to see me soon. (She used to be 10 minutes away from my house) Aw crap. Now I feel like a total tool. I want to keep seeing her, I LOVE her and trust her with my hair implicitly, I just can't afford her anymore.

How do you tell someone you've built a relationship with and come to love like family that it's just not working anymore? And most importantly, how do you find someone to replace excellence?

happiness is

Happiness for me is FINALLY being excited about a show after merely going through the motions with no passion for so long. I didn't get the part I had originally hoped for, but for the first time in a LONG time I'm excited to get this party started. At last night's read through my mind was racing on how I could make this part mine and make it shine (sorry Riss, I'm gonna do my damnedest to out shine you--but in a good way. ;) I'm a barfly/statue/Angel Devilette in Midvale's All Shook Up. A small part, but I am SO looking forward to it. I get to not only do another show with her, but my new friend as well. I honestly couldn't be happier--or more excited (well until a leading role comes my way anyway).

Thank you-you know who you are-for being patient and understanding, and telling me it's ok to test the waters and if getting out of the water was what was best for me it was ok. You are a bomb-ass friend and I love you for it.

So, I best be seeing you all at the show in July bitches--especially you B-there's lots of Elvis to be had in this one...

show friends

This was the fortune my cookie from Panda had yesterday:

Although it's hilarious (and eerily true) this is not the reason for this post, but rather an odd segue. Because I do theatre I'm lucky enough to know a lot of great people. And I mean A LOT. Sadly enough most of them I only actually see and do things with when we are in a show or at an audition together. This pains me.

Saturday I was at yet another audition and I was in the same group as one of my newest favorite people (I'm lookin' at you Dizzy). Afterwards we spent the better part of an hour chatting in the parking lot. I find it hilarious-and a little bit sad-that I know all these great people that I only see when there is theatre involved. I know we're all busy, but I'm callin you out-you all know who you are. We need to get together more because frankly you are just too awesome to limit my exposure to said awesomeness only when I'm lucky enough to share the stage (or audition room) with you.

 

I'm hoping this is the beginning to a beautiful friendship...

day thirty!

Woot! I made it! I agree with my friend Most Lucky Girl-I feel good knowing I did it, will miss blogging every day, but won't miss the pressure to blog every day, or the bizarre questions one bit.

I'm 24 hours away from a cut and color-and look like HUD-so you don't get a picture of me from today. Instead you get a half picture of me (but it's one of my favorites regardless) from about three months ago:

May the force be with you.

Three things I'm glad have happened to me:

1. Mr. Wonderful
2. The Gospel and the blessings it gives me.
3. Over all I've been blessed with a happy, full life. Good friends, good work, AWESOME family...   I've got it all.

day five-part deux

Apparently I have forgotten how to count and said yesterday was day five when in actuality it was day four. Oi. It's fixed now and sorry for the confusion.

This is me two years ago at Pike Place Market in Seattle. I'm lucky enough to have a friend who lives up there. Man that was a fun trip. I need to go back soon!

day four

I am lucky enough to have TWO best friends, both I have known since High School-albeit one became my best friend recently. Please excuse the poor quality--pictures of pictures don't always turn out great.



circa 1999-2000-ish?

 This is Amber. I don't have many pictures of the two of us-she's usually on the opposite side of the camera. This is a picture from when we were BABIES and I smile every time I look at it. I have known Amber since our Sophomore year in High School. We have been through thick and thin together, and she has taught me what a true friend is. Here's just a FEW of the reasons I love her so:

• She is an amazing mother
• Forgiving to a fault
• She always sees the good in people
• Even when she's knee-deep in shit she can always find something to be grateful for.
• She has my back 100% no matter what.
• She is my biggest fan.
• Kind
• Loving
• Generous
• Patient
• Strong
• Tons of fun to be around

Seriously, I could go on and on and on about her. She is that fantastic.

This is my Mr. Wonderful. This is one of my favorite pictures of him because this is one of the few pictures he has a genuine smile in-isn't he handsome?

We met in High School-we had Seminary-and mutual crushes-but never managed to go on a date. Fast forward eight years to the HP7 release party, and the rest is history. Scott is my VERY best friend and I love him with all of my heart. He is living proof lighting can strike twice-especially for someone as undeserving as me. Here's just a few reasons why he is so great:

• He shows me every day just how much I mean to him.
• I can be myself around him
• He loves me unconditionally
• He's kind
• Patient
• Loving
• He's smart
• Caring
• Considerate of others
• He puts up with me and my craziness on a daily basis
• He is so supportive of me and the things I love-even when he doesn't.
• He won't let me quit.
• He is a wonderful teacher and an even better student.
• He is humble.
• He is extremely faithful and the Spiritual Giant I wish I could be.

He is wonderful, and I'm just so lucky to have him!

crazy?

I have come to the conclusion I am in fact, insane. But why, you may ask?

Because I am the very epitome of this quote. After each failure (read=rejection) I still return, hopefully repeating the process- same as before. All the while being annoyingly optimistic in my hoping that THIS time will be different, THIS time I will be able to portray to others the fire that is in me, THIS time I won't have to remind myself I have to taste the bitter before I can know the sweet. THIS time I won't have to run into Mr. Wonderful's arms for comfort, but rather in celebration.

Insane because instead of saying "enough is enough" and stopping this ridiculous behavior I continue to try-hoping each time it will be different-when it's usually the same result. Yet I continue thinking that sometime something will have to give and I will no longer be the "rule", but rather the "exception".

Insane? I should think so, yet I still look forward to every new opportunity like a fool. Here's hoping tonight goes better than the last week...

"sage" advice

DISCLAIMER: This is a rant. A long one. If you don’t want to read on, close the page now. You’ve been warned.

It used to be single ladies only had to worry about the little old ladies giving them unsolicited love advice. I don’t know when that changed, but just…wow.

Although I’m used to getting it, this year has been chock-full of “sage advice”. Everyone and their dog feels it’s their obligation-nay right-to tell me how I should live my life-particularly where my love life is concerned. I should also mention these are all people who are married-some who even came from a similar situation as mine. Although I love them I find it very condescending and it infuriates me how quick they are to forget how OBNOXIOUS and unwanted this “help” really is. These are the following comments I’ve received-usually after I’m solicited to tell them how things are with Mr. Wonderful. We have been together for three years, are crazy in love with each other, talk about marriage and having a family all the time, but because of certain things there isn’t a proposal in the near future. These comments have been even more out of line this week since I didn’t receive a diamond to don for Christmas.

-HOW long have you been dating again? (I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was required to be engaged two days after we met.)

-Well tell him to get off his lazy ass otherwise you’ll leave him! (Oh, yeah, because insults make people just WANT to do your bidding.)

-You deserve so much better. (Really? I have a good, honest, caring, thoughtful, wonderful man who has made me his whole world. Just because he’s not ready to make a HUGE commitment I instantly deserve something better?)

-I’m saying this out of love, but WHY are you still with him? (Um, because we love each other, he’s worth the wait, and you don’t know the whole story-only what I have volunteered to you, and if you REALLY loved me you would be happy that I'm happy and quit focusing on what I don't have-yet.)

-Why don’t you just propose to him? (Oh yes, that’s so romantic. As pro-girl I am there are some things women should never do. This is one of them-another post for another day.)

-Give him an ultimatum. (Because I WANT him to feel forced, manipulated, and resentful towards me.)

-Tell him you want to start dating other people and make him jealous. (Again since when is manipulating ANYONE to get what you want a good thing?)

-You’re SO PRETTY (pretty sure they were lying on that one.) how are you NOT married? (Apparently all you need to be is pretty to get married.)

-Why do you keep doing this to yourself? (Referring to the fact I waited for four years for a ring from fiancée #1.)-I didn’t know falling in love was ‘doing’ anything?

Then of course you throw in the occasional person who makes it their business to bash Mr. Wonderful and fiancée #1 for taking their time and not hastily jumping into anything. (Yeah THAT’LL win you my affection-talk bad about my friend and the man I love.)

UGH. Enough is enough people! It’s one thing if I’m constantly complaining about the plight my decisions have put me in, but I NEVER bring it up! Why do people think these are things I want and need to be hearing? I don’t. All it does is make me mad. Unless you know the WHOLE story (and there are only two people who do), keep your mouth shut.  You’re not being supportive, you’re not being helpful, and you are only making me feel worse.

In my life I have been blessed with two incredible men. Two men who despite my many faults, flaws, and excess baggage love(d) me. Two men who I love(d) with all my heart. Two men who had their own reasons for taking their time in proposing. Although I don't always like it and it's not easy to feel 'left behind' I understand and respect their reasons. Two men who have always been honest with me so I know this is the bed I have chosen to lie in therefore as hard as it is I am choosing to be patient. Two men who I will always love, albeit in different ways and will NEVER stand for them being bashed, degraded, or thought less of for their actions. Two men who treat(ed) me like gold, tell (told) me all the time how wonderful I am, have never raised a hand to me, set out to hurt me, or made me feel less than anything worthwhile are suddenly public enemy number one because they have taken their time to make a monumentally life changing decision for BOTH of us. I don’t get it.

Although I love you all, I’m a big girl. My decisions are my own. You are not me or him, therefore you don’t know nor will you EVER know the entire story. I will stick around until the Lord tells me otherwise. You need to keep your comments to yourself and trust me to trust what Mr. Wonderful and I have decided to do. All things that are the most worthwhile are the hardest to achieve. The Lord approves of my decision, so I don’t care if you do.

Have you ever received unsolicited advice about something? How did you handle it?