grief

You know, grief is an interesting thing. My Grandma Fox passed away yesterday, and all I feel right now is--relief. Well that and guilt.

When she fell in May and broke her hip part of me knew that was the beginning of the end. Although I wish I hadn't let family discord and drama keep me away from her I will forever be grateful for the time I was able to spend with her in her hospital room-just the two of us, holding her hand and telling her that I loved her. I remember her telling me that this wasn't quality of life and she was so upset she couldn't paint or write or do any of the things she loved so much anymore. With tears in my eyes I told her if she felt it was time to go that it was ok. We would all be sad, but we would be ok. Holding her hand and reading her "To Kill A Mockingbird" so she could sleep, and her waking up just long enough for me to hug her and tell her I loved her as I was leaving will forever be one of my most cherished memories.

As much as I will miss my spitfire piss and vinegar Grandmother all I can think of is now she is free of the body that has limited her for so long; for that I am relieved and grateful. 

While I am sad I haven't shed a tear and can only be relieved that my grandmother's illness (a huge source of family drama and contention) is now gone I can't help but wonder if feeling these things make me heartless?

To be honest I am hurting more watching my father grieve the loss of his mother.

I can't help but think back to seven years ago when my family lost my Uncle Gregg and how different that grieving process was. It was completely out of nowhere and struck me so deep to my core I had to leave work that day as all I could do was sit at my desk and cry, and I still have a hard time speaking about him without shedding tears. This time I had time to prepare and I knew why my dad was calling before I even picked up the phone, and I was able to finish my work day undistracted. I am able to speak about her with happiness and fondness. There are no tears to be had here.


That may change on Friday when I see her sleeping one last time, but for right now all I can think is that I am so happy she is free.

I’m just beautiful me

As I get older one thing becomes more and more (painfully ) clear: I am my own WORST critic, and it needs to STOP. 

Today Husband and I had pictures taken, and tonight my photographer posted a preview on Facebook. This photo, actually: 

It's beautiful. The colors coordinate well and are bright and vivid. I am radiant. Husband is smiling (well as close as he comes to smiling for pictures anyway), and his eyes are so BLUE. We look like we are comfortable and happy with each other. 

Kate and Sassy Jose told us all through the evening how great we looked and how happy they were with the shots they were getting. I know it is not most important (or at all), but there has been a huge outpouring of love from our friends in the form of 'Likes' and positive, loving comments on Social Media. What IS most important:
This is a photograph of me and my beloved. Because of that there is not one reason I should look at this photograph with anything but a heart bursting with love. 

My initial reaction to seeing this photo? "Ugh. I have a pooch-I wish I could have found my belt so I could hide that, I'm jowly, you can totally tell I need my roots done, and to top it all off I am REALLY starting to look like a tired, middle aged woman."

WHY!? WHY DO WE DO THIS!?? 

 I am surrounded by beautiful people I am lucky enough to call friends. They come in all shapes and sizes, with so many wonderful attributes and talents. I constantly find myself comparing myself to these incredible women and tearing myself down because I don't stack up to my own stupid standards; Social Media makes it even worse. Rather than being happy with what I CAN do and a body that works and is healthy and allows me to do so many things others cannot I can only focus on the fact that I am simply not built to be a size 6 or a B cup-no matter how many treats I refuse or Zumba classes I attend (thanks hearty Dutch genes!). Instead of relishing that every day I look more and more like my beautiful, precious mother and I have a loving, supportive Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful woman alive all I can think is that I no longer look like I'm 20--like that's a bad thing. Yes, I will be 35 this year; I am closer to 40 than 20. I am officially middle aged. There. I said it. I have smile lines, crows feet, and old acne scars. But do you know what? Those smile lines and crows feet show I have lived a life that has sometimes been sad, but has mostly been full of happiness and laughter. They show I have learned and grown. And those scars? They taught me empathy and compassion; they remind me of that every time I look in the mirror. Most importantly? The scars and lines aren't as bad as I perceive them to be. 

I catch myself doing it with other parts of my life, too. I recently embarked upon an opportunity that has presented itself (it is still very much in the air so I don't want to put too much out there yet), and once I put myself out there for this opportunity I immediately began to doubt and nay say myself. 

I am always telling myself I am beautiful, good enough, capable, and qualified, yet I rarely BELIEVE IT. What good is telling ourselves these things if we refuse to actually believe them?

I am working on all of these things, and learning that confidence is not pride and self-doubt is not humility, but it is a slow process. A process I was reminded of again tonight. When I receive the rest of my images from tonight's session I will try my hardest to make sure I only focus on the positive and not the negative. I need to remember my perception isn't always correct; and the people I love clearly see something I do not, so I need to trust that. As for the days that doesn't work I will just play this on repeat, have a good cry, get up, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow. 

 

blessed

As I sit waiting for my last pie to bake, enjoying the glorious sounds of my Christmas Pandora station, and wondering how in the world I'm going to get two pies, rolls, and yams to my In-Laws by myself as Mr. Wonderful will be going there straight from work, I decided rather than being overwhelmed by this task to be overwhelmed with gratitude instead. I needed to list the things I am thankful for, because I really am blessed.

• A loving Heavenly Father who blesses me with much more than I deserve. 
• The Guardian Angels He sent to keep my family safe on October 21. You guys. Their accident should have been so much worse than it was, but it wasn't because of Heavenly Father and His angels. God is good, and merciful, and sends angels to keep our loved ones safe. My beloved siblings are proof of that.
• An amazing husband who loves, cares for, and supports me, no matter how crazy the plan or hair-brained the scheme. I know every girl says this about their spouse, but Mr. Wonderful is pretty amazing, and I pretty much have to pinch myself every day because I still can't believe he chose me, the most undeserving of all. 
• My family. I was very blessed to be born into the family I was, and over the last few years my brothers have chosen the best women and as a result I have the best nieces and nephew. We're wild, crazy, and at times dysfunctional, but they are mine and I love them so much. 
• My new In-laws. Even before I married their son and brother they have welcomed me into their family with open arms and have made me a part of their family. 
• Technology. Yes it can be the bane of our existence at times, but it is also a huge blessing. Without it LB2 would have missed our wedding, but because of technology we were able to FaceTime him in from the hospital so he could watch and be a part of the ceremony. 
• Good friends. For fear of forgetting someone I won't name names, but I am so thankful for friends who love, support, lift me up, teach me, forgive when I mess up, and have been my family when I have needed one since mine is so far away. You step in to help with anything I need, big or small, giving of your time, labor, and talents, looking for nothing more than a smile and hug in return. If you're reading this odds are you are on this impossibly long list, and please know just how much I love you.
• Work. It's not all sunshine and roses, but there are a lot of people without work right now, so I know how incredibly blessed I am. 
• A healthy body. After all the health problems I was plagued with last year it made me love and appreciate my healthy body so much more. 
• My talents. Not only have I been blessed with many talents I am also blessed with the ability to share them with others regularly. That is pretty amazing! 
• THIS
• Parents who taught me to stand up for what is right, even if it doesn't make you popular, the value of things, not the cost, and that family is more precious than any thing you can possess. 

This is no where near the complete list, but brevity is the order of the day on this blog. Happy Thanksgivukkah to you all and don't be too gluttonous tonight!!

weird

WARNING: I say 'weird' a lot in this post. Like A LOT. And there may or may not be a monster photo dump at the end as well. Consider yourselves warned.

I’m still working on ‘the post’. It will be at least another 3-4 weeks before we have our photos and video, and honestly once I got my dress on I only remember maybe 30 minutes of the whole night. It's not even a continuous 30 minutes at that-more like random flashes so I’m hoping the pictures and video will help jar my memory. Until then you get this other thing I’ve been mulling over since the wedding.

As of today Mr. Wonderful and I have been married for two whole weeks. The thing I get asked the most is “how’s married life?” My reply? Weird. Married life is a lot of things-but weird tops the list for me. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy or complaining. I love Mr. Wonderful more than anything and I am so happy he chose me to share this adventure with, but it’s still weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless.

It’s weird to be Kristen Newman…Mrs. Newman…Sister Newman. It’s weird that the Seinfeld reference I thought was so funny when we first met (‘Hello, Newman’) is now one of the most annoying things ever. It’s weird to know I’m done looking for my Eternal Companion-Mr Wonderful is my guy, forever and ever. It’s weird to have him come home and snuggle up next to me every night rather than call me on his way home from work as I’m falling asleep. It’s weird to be budgeting money and sharing the expenses with him after I’ve been doing it by myself for so long. It’s weird learning how to sleep on a side vs the middle of the bed (the act of ‘star fishing’ makes sharing a bed with ANYONE problematic). Although he had seen me not looking pretty before the wedding it’s weird for him to see me with the sleep in my eyes, morning breath, grumpy ‘just leave me alone and let me wake up in peace’ demeanor, and bangs that stick straight up (no joke) when I very first wake up--every single day. It’s weird living with someone after ten years of being alone and getting used to each other’s quirks. It’s weird that all it took was a 20 minute ceremony for sex to be ok (and encouraged) after 33 years of waiting. It’s weird that I have a whole new family that loves and accepts me and it’s weird how I instantly loved them back. It’s weird to go grocery shopping for two and to make food and know that half to two-thirds of it is not going to go bad before it gets eaten. It’s weird to be buying milk twice a week. It’s weird to not be stressed all the time about dating, getting engaged, or planning a wedding and constantly being on the brink of a melt-down. It’s weird how easily we transitioned from ‘dating’ to ‘married’-especially Mr. Wonderful. He is like a duck in water. It really has been an awesome thing to watch, marriage totally suits him.  It’s weird how jarring it is to go from planning a wedding to being married and how quickly everyone’s lives go back to normal after you’ve been running at Mach speeds for so long (this change happens quite literally overnight). It’s weird that it’s not all about me and my wants and needs anymore; and it’s weird to constantly remind myself ‘I’ is now an ‘us’, and there is another person to consider when I make decisions because they don’t just affect me anymore. There’s an us here now.

So yes, being married is weird. But it’s also pretty fantastic. Although all the things I mentioned are weird, they’re pretty freaking awesome, too. I just wish people would have told me how weird it would be, and that this surreal, weird feeling is completely normal!! I also wish I had taken the people who DID say this to me seriously. Now I will reiterate it for you to ignore like I did:

Marriage is fantastic. But it’s weird. And an adjustment-even when you’ve been together as long as Mr. Wonderful and I. I’m learning no couple is exempt from this, but that’s ok! It’s an adjustment looking at your new signature and realizing that you’re still you (just new and improved), or remembering the hand turning the key in the lock at 11:30 at night is supposed to be there so there’s no need for your pulse to quicken and your adrenaline to race.

So yes, it’s weird. They don’t call it a major life change for nothing. And you know what I’m learning? It’s ok for it to be weird. There’s nothing wrong with me because it’ll be weird for the next little bit. I had 33 years to get where I was before, and no matter how wonderful and right this change is it’s going to take more than two weeks for me to get used to where I’m going next. And you know what? That gets to be ok. Good thing I have a pretty awesome, supportive, amazing, loving man by my side. That helps a lot with the weirdness, too. This marriage thing was a pretty good idea, after all. I highly recommend it. Oh, and as promised here's the photo dump to get you by--thanks to the fantastically talented Nancy for taking them!

With daddy. Look at those lashes!!

LB2 was in a car accident (he's ok!) and was in the hospital so he was unable to attend. I am SO grateful for modern technology and friends with iPads so we could Facetime him in!!

Waving to LB2 on the iPad during the ceremony.

                                                        

You bet there's a zombie on this!

Mr Wonderful wanted cupcakes, so he got cupcakes.

I don't know what this is...

I'm sorry Megan. I LOVE this picture and your "wow this is heavy face" too much!

Dancing with my daddy.

My handsome Groom dancing with my momma

I have silly nieces

My beautiful niece who wanted nothing more than to dance with me all night. She even called last night to ask when I was getting married again. Once is enough for me, baby girl.

Being scary with my nieces.

Yep. She's gorgeous. And my friend. Lucky!!

til death do us part-or just til i'm bored?

I am a firm believer in marriage. I believe that if you choose to make a commitment to one person (civilly or eternally), you are choosing to make it work, no matter what, no matter how much harder it is than you thought. No matter what. It infuriates me when people talk about how  they view their marriages as disposable, and the second they are bored or the flame burns out it's done for them and they have no problems walking away. When I hear them say this I am equally saddened and enraged. With rare few exceptions there is NOTHING you can't work out and no flame that can be re-kindled as long as both parties are willing to work towards it.

I know a few of you who are divorced. I also know a few people who are still married who shouldn't be. With that being said I understand you can't save a marriage on your own, and there are some things that are deal breakers. I am not saying that all people who are divorced didn't do everything they could before choosing that path. I understand fully that you can't fix something if both people aren't equally committed to it, or things like abuse, adultery, or addiction sometimes make it impossible-and even dangerous-to stay. I am not talking about you. I am talking about the people who care so little about their marriage they are willing to throw in the towel before they've even begun the fight and see if there's anything WORTH saving, or simply because they're bored. 

 Spare me the condescending 'well you're not married so you don't know' crap. Yes, I'm not married. But Mr. Wonderful and I have been together five years. Before that I was with Superman Lover for five years too. I am no stranger to a committed long term relationship, and as far as I'm concerned the only thing that makes Mr. Wonderful and I any different from any other married couple is a piece of paper and the fact we don't live under the same roof. We have a good relationship, but it is far from perfect. We have been together long enough we have seen the ugly truths most people don't see until after they're married. We fight, and we've butted heads many times on how we'll raise our kids, where we'll live, how we'll spend our money, and much more. There have been numerous occasions that I have asked myself why the hell I'm with this man. I'm sure he has thought the same about me. The flame has burned both white hot and flickered down to almost nothing, but at the end of the day he is my partner. We will be with each other the rest of our lives and into the Eternities together. As crazy as we make each other, we love each other and want what we have to work-we are committed to making it work.

I can still remember how I felt the first time he kissed me all those years ago. I can still remember the 'newlywed' stage in our relationship and how excited I still am to see him after work. It's all those times that remind me of why I'm still here and why I want to stay. I just don't understand why some people have no problem walking away-especially after they've stood before each other, their families and loved ones, and GOD and promised to everyone they would love, honor, and cherish in good times and bad, in sickness and health, yadda yadda yadda, and then built lives, homes, started families with each other, just to throw it away because it got too hard and you don't want to try anymore. I guess if you say you're bored or done those void everything, yes?

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was NOT my intent. I'm just so sick of people who don't take their marriages seriously and view them on the same level as their garbage.

Oy. I'll get off my soap box now.

mr wonderful's dad

...is in the hospital again. His potassium levels spiked for no reason. This is the second time in as many years this has happened. He is confused but stable. Mr. Wonderful is coping. I'm trying to keep it together for him, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried too.

If you can keep his family in your prayers/thoughts/whatever you do I would be much obliged.

life goes on

Four years ago today I experienced my first major loss. My Uncle Gregg passed away unexpectedly, and four years later I still can't talk about it without tearing up. Yes, I had lost grandparents before then, but with the exception of my Gramma VanderLinden I had been very young, and Grammy had been sick so although it was hard, we knew they had lived their lives and had time to adjust to what was coming. Uncle Gregg was young-only 59, so we had no reason to think he would leave us so unexpectedly. Apparently Heavenly Father decided He needed him more than we did, and that was that. It's hard to believe it's been four years because the sting is still the same, and I still have a hole in my heart with him gone. I had to double check my math because I thought it had only been three years. What a true testament that life does in fact, go on.

My Uncle Gregg is my best friend's (best-cousins as we called it growing up) dad. I spent almost as much time at their house as I did my own growing up, and as a result Uncle Gregg and Aunt Tracy became my second parents of sorts.

Uncle Gregg was a great man-he loved life, the Gospel, his family, good music, and good food. He was such a wonderful example of Christ-like love. Now I know people tend to canonize their loved ones, but he was a good good man. He and my dad were close-and I will always be grateful they had such a good relationship. They shared a kinship having both served in the Marines (Oorah!), as well as sharing a love of weird food like milk toast, liver and onions, and cheese so sharp the weak need not apply. They both always had facial hair (a beard for him, and a goatee for my pa), with the exception of when Gregg was serving in the Bishopric and he had it shaved. Man that was weird.

Gregg always greeted me with a big smile and an even bigger hug (I knew before I did anything I had to go find him and say hello otherwise I knew there would be a playful scolding for not coming to see him first), and I always liked to think he loved me as much as he did his six girls. I will always cherish the memories I have of him.

I miss him every day, and I wish we could have had him longer so Mr. Wonderful could have met him. I think they really would have liked each other. Some days (like today) are harder than others, but although I'm sad he's gone for now I'm comforted knowing I'll see him again because families are forever. How grateful I am for that knowledge!

Today I think I'll have a corned beef sandwich and some strawberry ice cream just for him. :)

gorgeous

Why do I have such a hard time believing people when they call me 'gorgeous'? (No, I am NOT fishing for compliments here, just making a confession.) It's always meant as a compliment, and I always appreciate they think that enough to tell me, but for whatever reason I have a hard time BELIEVING that me, Miss Kristen-the tomboy til she was 10 and the best friend* after that-is gorgeous.

I know I'm pretty, but when I look in the mirror I don't think "wow, you're gorgeous."
I also know I'm lucky; I know all of my good looks I got from my parents-especially my mom.


She's the gorgeous one.

circa 1976-77-ish. Forgive the picture of a picture.

*Best friend-The ok looking girl who befriends the most desired girl/woman and subsequently plays second fiddle to her man-luring, eyelash batting, "I have five men vying for my attention, whatever shall I do?", girlfriend

what's in a name?

I have a HUGE pet peeve. I HATE it when people shorten your name unless you give them the OK to do so. I always try to clarify BEFORE I shorten someone's name, and usually they are ok with it-Riss, Meg, etc. Although I HAVE slipped up in the past-I'm sorry Stephen.

Just for those of you who were ever in doubt, my name is KRISTEN. Not Kris, not Krissy, not Ten-ten.

ESPECIALLY not Kris. Most of you don't know this, but I have an older brother. His name is CRIS.

When my dad named me Kristen my mom was concerned that I would be confused with my brother, Cris. My dad said that my name would never be shortened-it would always be Kristen. And it always has been, but just so we're clear I'll reiterate:



CRIS





KRISTEN





CRIS



KRIS-TEN



And lastly for those who are still confused, this is my brother CRIS:

NOT to be confused with me, Kris-TEN:

This is the face you'll get if you call me by anything other
than Kristen.

*Too bad the people I REALLY need to say this to don't read my blog.