I’m just beautiful me

As I get older one thing becomes more and more (painfully ) clear: I am my own WORST critic, and it needs to STOP. 

Today Husband and I had pictures taken, and tonight my photographer posted a preview on Facebook. This photo, actually: 

It's beautiful. The colors coordinate well and are bright and vivid. I am radiant. Husband is smiling (well as close as he comes to smiling for pictures anyway), and his eyes are so BLUE. We look like we are comfortable and happy with each other. 

Kate and Sassy Jose told us all through the evening how great we looked and how happy they were with the shots they were getting. I know it is not most important (or at all), but there has been a huge outpouring of love from our friends in the form of 'Likes' and positive, loving comments on Social Media. What IS most important:
This is a photograph of me and my beloved. Because of that there is not one reason I should look at this photograph with anything but a heart bursting with love. 

My initial reaction to seeing this photo? "Ugh. I have a pooch-I wish I could have found my belt so I could hide that, I'm jowly, you can totally tell I need my roots done, and to top it all off I am REALLY starting to look like a tired, middle aged woman."

WHY!? WHY DO WE DO THIS!?? 

 I am surrounded by beautiful people I am lucky enough to call friends. They come in all shapes and sizes, with so many wonderful attributes and talents. I constantly find myself comparing myself to these incredible women and tearing myself down because I don't stack up to my own stupid standards; Social Media makes it even worse. Rather than being happy with what I CAN do and a body that works and is healthy and allows me to do so many things others cannot I can only focus on the fact that I am simply not built to be a size 6 or a B cup-no matter how many treats I refuse or Zumba classes I attend (thanks hearty Dutch genes!). Instead of relishing that every day I look more and more like my beautiful, precious mother and I have a loving, supportive Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful woman alive all I can think is that I no longer look like I'm 20--like that's a bad thing. Yes, I will be 35 this year; I am closer to 40 than 20. I am officially middle aged. There. I said it. I have smile lines, crows feet, and old acne scars. But do you know what? Those smile lines and crows feet show I have lived a life that has sometimes been sad, but has mostly been full of happiness and laughter. They show I have learned and grown. And those scars? They taught me empathy and compassion; they remind me of that every time I look in the mirror. Most importantly? The scars and lines aren't as bad as I perceive them to be. 

I catch myself doing it with other parts of my life, too. I recently embarked upon an opportunity that has presented itself (it is still very much in the air so I don't want to put too much out there yet), and once I put myself out there for this opportunity I immediately began to doubt and nay say myself. 

I am always telling myself I am beautiful, good enough, capable, and qualified, yet I rarely BELIEVE IT. What good is telling ourselves these things if we refuse to actually believe them?

I am working on all of these things, and learning that confidence is not pride and self-doubt is not humility, but it is a slow process. A process I was reminded of again tonight. When I receive the rest of my images from tonight's session I will try my hardest to make sure I only focus on the positive and not the negative. I need to remember my perception isn't always correct; and the people I love clearly see something I do not, so I need to trust that. As for the days that doesn't work I will just play this on repeat, have a good cry, get up, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow. 

 

Happy

Have you seen this video? I'll admit I didn't pay it any mind until I saw a worldwide compilation featured on msn today. I'm not going to lie; I am now completely obsessed with it. I dare you to not turn it up and bust a move:



I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and although I've always known if I count on others to make me happy I never will be, but I found that I was doing that more and more. Guess what? I was miserable. Once I discovered this I have been trying harder to make a conscious effort to make MYSELF happy. You know what? It works. Being happy isn't a life circumstance, but rather a choice you make for yourself. It's not always easy, and sometimes I catch myself slipping out of happiness and into something else, but I'm quicker to recognize it and change it now. Choosing to see (and be) the good in the world has helped, as well as surrounding myself with positive people. I know I'm not always going to succeed at this goal, but I'm determined to be happy more than I am not. I have too many wonderful things to be thankful for to dwell on the silly, insignificant things. When I think of happiness I think of my beautiful nieces, who are always so happy and full of life. What a wonderful example to follow.

Yes, happiness is a choice, and I hope you, my dear friends, are choosing to be happy. If not make the choice to start, crank up Pharrell's song and have a dance party wherever you are. I dare you to finish unhappy. I'm pretty sure it's impossible.

Update

Wow, I really suck at this lately.

Not much has been going on in the Fox casa as of late, but a few things have happened that merit mentioning.

Christmas happened. Mine was good. A little bittersweet because Mr. Wonderful and I couldn't make it down to St. George like we had hoped, but I spent the day with him and his family so it was nice. Mr. Wonderful even did a few of my family's traditions with me (A Christmas Story on TBS all day-he even started quoting lines by the end of it-SCORE!, and opening presents through the day), so that was really nice. Plus we'll be headed down there for the weekend on the 18. 

I have two more nights (Thursday and Friday-weather permitting) up at This is the Place for Candlelight Christmas. I'm so glad I was able to be a part of this again. It really helps get me into the right frame of mind for Christmas, plus it's so fun to dress up and share my talents with others. I LOVE to watch people's faces light up when they see us come up the street. We even had a few people at off site performances stop us and tell us they had come up and their kids couldn't stop talking about us, or that they were already planning to come but couldn't wait to see us in the park. I'm not going to lie; knowing how loved this group is makes all the rehearsals, driving back and forth, and wig-wearing SO worth it.

Let's see...anything else. Oh, I was cast as Shelby in "Steel Magnolias" last week. No biggie. I KID. It's a HUGE deal!! I am so so excited to work with Midvale, Steph, Casey, and her pro team. Plus I get to play a role I have dreamed about playing since I was 17, so that in and of itself is pretty dang cool. We start rehearsing next week and we run February 22-March 2, 2013. I pick up my script tonight and I can't wait to start.

Well, that's it kiddoes. Hope you had a fun, family filled holiday, and if I don't see you before then I hope you have a safe and fun New Year! (Mr. Wonderful works til 11:00 that night, so if anyone wants to let me tag along on their evening let me know.) :)

revisited

I have never been one for revisiting the past. I find for me it’s hard to move forward if I do, so although I often look back on things fondly I rarely go back and revisit it. I have never gone to a High School reunion; I rarely shed tears when a show comes to a close, and I am always trying to live my life the best I can and make wonderful memories for myself, but always keep moving forward. I have also found the few times I have allowed myself to revisit the past it has left me wishing I had just left well enough alone and not marred the memories I did have.  

Wednesday night was the first time I was actually glad to revisit something. About a month ago Steph emailed us and let us know that the South Valley Theater Association asked all the arts councils in the valley to do a reprisal of one of their shows from the year for a benefit concert, and she wanted to know if the Wonderettes would be interested in getting back together for this one night event.
After making sure I schedule was open (thanks to rehearsals for this) I said yes to revisiting Missy and singing with the Wonderettes again. As skeptical as I was at first-it had been almost three months since we'd closed--I'm so glad my schedule allowed me to do this. It was only a 10-minute set, and the tech aspect was more than a little rough, but it was so much fun being on stage with the girls singing our songs again, and I was so glad friends who hadn't been able to see the show initially were able to come get a taste of this adorable production. I had completely forgotten how much I love Missy and doing this show. She is in my top three roles and I wouldn't hesitate at the opportunity to play Missy again. Thanks to the SVTA for putting this together!

Be Marvelous!

Together again! (Suzy, Cindy Lou, Betty Jean, and Missy-The Marvelous Wonderettes!)

word vomit

I'm pretty good at thinking before I speak...usually.

Unless it involves a certain man and a certain life event that is well on its way but has yet to occur. (No I'm not delusional, I promise. I'm not going to share why for the interwebs though.) When that subject comes up I'm about as capable of keeping my filter intact as well...nothing.

Seriously what is my deal? I can go from decent, loving girl to ungrateful spoiled brat in a matter of nano seconds. The fact that I am well aware of what I'm doing and still incapable of keeping my mouth shut is particularly disturbing. Especially because no matter what anyone says NO ONE deserves having to put up with that. I know it's terrible and unacceptable because not only am I ashamed of my abhorrent behavior I'm absolutely humiliated to admit this. WHY am I admitting this publicly again? 

How do you keep your filter in tact? I'm failing miserably and if Mr Wonderful knew what was good for him he'd simply say 'sayonara' rather than put up with this nonsense.  Because I will be the first to admit it is complete nonsense.