i choose kristen

An entire year without blogging. That really makes my heart sad. So many times I sat down, only to become so overwhelmed with anxiety and negativity that I decided no blog was better than one filled to the brim with everything I hate reading myself. Even now I'm struggling to finish this because I know it's not going to be all sunshine and roses and not necessarily what some people want to hear.

This week I made a decision, one that I have known I've needed to make, but have been avoiding for a while. I decided to stop doing something that used to make me happy, but now only brings heartache, pain, and guilt. Before you jump there Mr. Wonderful and I are great. Better than great. We are awesome. He is my rock and support and a large part of why I had the courage to finally make the decision I have been avoiding for so long. After I close my current project I think I'm done with theatre. Wow. Saying  it out loud and seeing it in print are two completely different things. Writing it makes it real, somehow.

Why, you may ask? The answer is long, and complex, but the simple answer is this:

I'm DONE.

Done giving people control over my schedule, feelings, and self-worth. Done feeling like I'm doing it because I "have to" or that I will be letting people down if I stop rather than doing it for me and the joy it once brought me. Done being criticized by complete strangers. Done spending precious time away from Husband only to feel that time has been wasted. Done being a punching bag to others merely for being willing to donate my time and talents. Done working so hard for something that at the end of the day is pretty thankless. Done letting this part of me define my entire being. Done being afraid to walk away because I will lose the recognition I have worked hard for and fearing I will have to start paying my dues all over again should I come back. Done having negative experience after negative experience, yet still coming back because "this time will be different". Done doing favors only to have it come back and bite me. Done with late nights that turn into early mornings and Saturday morning rehearsals. Done feeling like I always have a black cloud hanging over me, and most importantly I'm done taking out all these frustrations and insecurities on Mr. Wonderful. He has done nothing to deserve it, yet he's the one who gets to take it all because I know he'll still be there and still love me when all is said and done.

Ugh, drama is so aptly named. There has been a lot of it, that's for sure, but I am grateful for what it has brought me. Being on stage got me through one of the hardest times of my life and helped me figure out who I was again. It has blessed me with wonderful friends and opportunities I don't think I would have found otherwise. But, there is a time and a season for all things, and I think this season has come to an end. I'm ready to spend time cultivating other things I enjoy but didn't make time for because theatre was all-encompassing for so long. I am more than the stage, and I've been feeling this way for a while. It's time to act on these feelings. Theatre is a PART of me, not entirely what I am.

Is being done a forever thing? Good heavens I hope not, but for something to get me back on stage in the immediate future it would have to be something big. HUGE. Something I would regret forever if I didn't do or would just be plain dumb to pass up. There aren't many feelings like being on stage, but if I never step foot on one again I can look back over the last 17 years, smile, and be proud of my body of work. Right now I need to focus on me, my other long-neglected talents, and my future with Mr. Wonderful.

To quote my girl Olivia Pope (a little out of context, but still rings true to me), "I choose me. I am choosing Kristen." And you know what? That gets to be okay.

Happy

Have you seen this video? I'll admit I didn't pay it any mind until I saw a worldwide compilation featured on msn today. I'm not going to lie; I am now completely obsessed with it. I dare you to not turn it up and bust a move:



I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately, and although I've always known if I count on others to make me happy I never will be, but I found that I was doing that more and more. Guess what? I was miserable. Once I discovered this I have been trying harder to make a conscious effort to make MYSELF happy. You know what? It works. Being happy isn't a life circumstance, but rather a choice you make for yourself. It's not always easy, and sometimes I catch myself slipping out of happiness and into something else, but I'm quicker to recognize it and change it now. Choosing to see (and be) the good in the world has helped, as well as surrounding myself with positive people. I know I'm not always going to succeed at this goal, but I'm determined to be happy more than I am not. I have too many wonderful things to be thankful for to dwell on the silly, insignificant things. When I think of happiness I think of my beautiful nieces, who are always so happy and full of life. What a wonderful example to follow.

Yes, happiness is a choice, and I hope you, my dear friends, are choosing to be happy. If not make the choice to start, crank up Pharrell's song and have a dance party wherever you are. I dare you to finish unhappy. I'm pretty sure it's impossible.

what's in a name?

I have a HUGE pet peeve. I HATE it when people shorten your name unless you give them the OK to do so. I always try to clarify BEFORE I shorten someone's name, and usually they are ok with it-Riss, Meg, etc. Although I HAVE slipped up in the past-I'm sorry Stephen.

Just for those of you who were ever in doubt, my name is KRISTEN. Not Kris, not Krissy, not Ten-ten.

ESPECIALLY not Kris. Most of you don't know this, but I have an older brother. His name is CRIS.

When my dad named me Kristen my mom was concerned that I would be confused with my brother, Cris. My dad said that my name would never be shortened-it would always be Kristen. And it always has been, but just so we're clear I'll reiterate:



CRIS





KRISTEN





CRIS



KRIS-TEN



And lastly for those who are still confused, this is my brother CRIS:

NOT to be confused with me, Kris-TEN:

This is the face you'll get if you call me by anything other
than Kristen.

*Too bad the people I REALLY need to say this to don't read my blog.

why can't we be friends?

I have a friend. You may remember them from this post. I would like to say things have gotten better between us, but they haven't. It's possible things have gotten even worse. I want to save this relationship more than anything, but I feel we are at a stalemate. I will never be able to support certain decisions they are making, and as a result I'm not in their life anymore. Now I'm not playing the 'woe is me' angle, just stating these are the consequences of my choices-like it or not. For the record I HATE it.

When I try to be in touch with this person and try to reconnect with them I get a lot of 'yeah that sounds like fun, I'll let you know', and more importantly, 'we need to get together to talk about this', but nothing ever comes to fruition. They are the ones with the schedule conflicts so I ask them to let me know what days/nights work for them and I'll make it happen. They say ok, sounds good, then NOTHING. Honestly it feels like a brush-off. I'm at a loss. I want to save this relationship, but not only do I NOT know what I need to do-but also I feel like the other person doesn't care enough to try. I can't do it alone, but I'm also not going to be a nag about it. Am I asking for too much for it to be a team effort? I know they have a lot on their plate, I KNOW they're going through a lot, and I don't have any desire to add to the burden, but I also know what they're willing to save, and it feels like our friendship isn't on that list. That hurts. A lot.

So dear readers, I'm coming to YOU. I hope I have kept it as unbiased as possible because I need to know what you would do in this situation. Should I continue to try and save something that is becoming more and more one-sided or should I just let go and move on?

happiness is

Happiness for me is FINALLY being excited about a show after merely going through the motions with no passion for so long. I didn't get the part I had originally hoped for, but for the first time in a LONG time I'm excited to get this party started. At last night's read through my mind was racing on how I could make this part mine and make it shine (sorry Riss, I'm gonna do my damnedest to out shine you--but in a good way. ;) I'm a barfly/statue/Angel Devilette in Midvale's All Shook Up. A small part, but I am SO looking forward to it. I get to not only do another show with her, but my new friend as well. I honestly couldn't be happier--or more excited (well until a leading role comes my way anyway).

Thank you-you know who you are-for being patient and understanding, and telling me it's ok to test the waters and if getting out of the water was what was best for me it was ok. You are a bomb-ass friend and I love you for it.

So, I best be seeing you all at the show in July bitches--especially you B-there's lots of Elvis to be had in this one...

day eleven-fifteen

So I fully admit that I'm a slacker...but I have a good excuse. I have been in St. George visiting my awesome family the last few days and honestly...keeping up with the blog was the least of my worries. But here I am, picking up where I left off. I give you days eleven through fifteen for your reading enjoyment:

DAY 11:

My makeup bag. To be honest I have FOUR of these babies-but it's because I do theatre and the others are filled with theatre make-up. This is my main bag-the one that I count on every day to make me pretty. :) I wish I could be one of those women who can go without makeup, but being as I was "one of the lucky ones" who suffered from severe acne during my adolescent and into my adult years I have a hard time going anywhere without it on because I know what my skin looks like underneath.

Mattifier, Powder foundation, blush, eyeshadow primer, eyeshadow, liner, mascara, eyelash curler, concealer, lip balm, stain, and gloss, and bobby pins.

 DAY 12:

I don't have any skyline shots of my lovely SLC valley so I relied on Google:

Salt Lake really is beautiful-when there's no inversion. Or snow. Or snow AND inversion...

DAY 13:
 I am a music girl-there's not much I don't like, and my taste changes all the time. Except three artists are always in my top five:

 Brad Paisley. I have loved Brad since I first heard "The fishing song" and I still love him today. I try to see him every time he comes in concert. He is just such a talented songwriter and guitar player. Plus I'll admit, I have a little bit of a crush on him. He is a man's man yet I just love that on almost every album he writes a song for his wife--what girl WOULDN'T love that!

My favorite band is a toss-up between Maroon 5 and Bowling For Soup. They are on opposite ends of the music spectrum-one is a brooding, sexy as hell band with local ties (I used to know James Valentine's sister)- the other is a Texas-bred hometown boy band who doesn't take themselves at all seriously.

Not to mention the fact they wrote the theme song as well as having recurring cameos on one of my favorite shows: Phineas and Ferb.

DAY 14:

I watch a lot of shows on TV, but recently there are two I watch religiously:

Glee. No self-respecting choir nerd and theatre geek can honestly say they don't like glee.
The music is great, and after some hiccup-filled story lines in the beginning of season 2 they've really hit their stride again. I just love this show, and it makes my day. :)

Being Human. Mr. Wonderful got me hooked on this show. I was skeptical about the US re-tooling after watching the BBC version and HATING it. But I was pleasantly surprised. You are rooting for these "monster" characters trying to be well...human. The season is over, but I'm there once it starts again!

DAY 15:

I never leave the house without my phone and keys. I feel naked without either...



liar liar pants on fire

*There are few things that can get me beyond fuming in nano seconds like being lied to. I'm not talking "white lie" type ("Oh I'm five minutes away" when you're really 10), but the lies that people tell to get what they want when they want how they want it. It makes me even more angry when I catch you in said lie and you DENY it.

I'm not an idiot. You've been caught. Own up that you were trying to manipulate me, get ahead in the game, and break the system you think you're above. Don't look at me and lie further by calling me the liar.

I may give you shit for it, but honesty really is the best policy. Is it REALLY worth you losing my trust to get around the system?

*if you're reading this chances are you are NOT the one this is not targeted towards. I just needed to vent and this was the closest outlet.

day eight

This is the song I have running through my head today:

crazy?

I have come to the conclusion I am in fact, insane. But why, you may ask?

Because I am the very epitome of this quote. After each failure (read=rejection) I still return, hopefully repeating the process- same as before. All the while being annoyingly optimistic in my hoping that THIS time will be different, THIS time I will be able to portray to others the fire that is in me, THIS time I won't have to remind myself I have to taste the bitter before I can know the sweet. THIS time I won't have to run into Mr. Wonderful's arms for comfort, but rather in celebration.

Insane because instead of saying "enough is enough" and stopping this ridiculous behavior I continue to try-hoping each time it will be different-when it's usually the same result. Yet I continue thinking that sometime something will have to give and I will no longer be the "rule", but rather the "exception".

Insane? I should think so, yet I still look forward to every new opportunity like a fool. Here's hoping tonight goes better than the last week...

the last word

I had an experience this week that got me thinking. Why do we ALWAYS have to have the last word? I also find the more passionate the situation/people, the harder they try to score that last, doozy, hit you right to the core comment.
WHY?

I must admit although I'm not ashamed of my passion, I am ashamed that it ruffles my feathers as much as it does when I DON'T get the last word in--especially in an argument, and ESPECIALLY in this particular situation because it was completely pointless and stupid that I even let this person (who isn't worth my time) get to me like they did.

Spare me the "it's not very Christ-like Kristen", or "do you have any idea how childish that really is?", or "what would your MOTHER say?!" Yes, I KNOW it's not at all Christ-like, I KNOOOOW that it's ridiculously childish, and I know my mom would give me that disappointed look that breaks my heart. (BTW-do they pull you aside in the hospital and teach you that look? Every mother I know has one.)

I KNOW all these things just like I KNOW cakebites and Coke (the drink, not the drug) aren't good for me, yet I willingly seek them out because they make me feel good.
Good thing I have Mr. Wonderful here to remind me the last word isn't as important as I've led myself to believe.

But it sure feels great to get that last, awesome comment in and just watch them stammer as you walk away in triumph.


Does that make me a bad person?

i can't be passive. i'm too passionate

Impassioned. Spirited. Fiery. Intense. Audacious.


Bold. Gritty. Gutsy. Hot. High-Spirited. Direct.


Straightforward. Uncomplicated. Rational.


Strong Willed.

To be honest I am always surprised when I look these words up and don’t see my picture next to them. They embody me. Almost to a “T”. Granted I am so much more than these few words, but they all play a HUGE part in defining who I am. For most, you either love me or hate me because of these traits. Most people who love me love the fact that I will call it like I see it. The same is for the people who hate me. If you want a straightforward answer, you come to me.

Because of these traits I am kinda scary when it comes to people I love. I get so invested in the situation their pain becomes mine and I want to do anything I can to stop it-to the point of becoming overbearing and pushy-because I know best, after all. Even when I become this way it always comes from a place of love NOT bossiness. I just can't stand to watch people I love make stupid decisions that cause them pain.

I have a friend. I couldn’t love them more if they were my own flesh and blood. We have been through thick and thin, the trials of adolescence, the ‘figuring out who we are’ young adult stage, and growing into adulthood together. I am the Cee Cee Bloom to her Hilary Whitney. No matter what we have always and will always have each other’s back.

This person is experiencing some struggles. Although I understand why they continue to allow the hurt they are experiencing I also feel they are being somewhat of a glutton. They know the stove is hot, yet they repeatedly put their hand in the fire to be burned, and become upset when the effect is always the same. This person has asked for my support, and because of my passion-both for the people I love and in general-I don’t know how to give it without becoming involved to the point it affects my well-being. Not knowing what else to do I removed myself from that particular situation because honestly my passion and inability to see shades of grey wasn’t helping matters any. This has been viewed as a betrayal and me making it about me-not them.

Last night was another discussion with Mr. Wonderful regarding this issue and he suggested taking the passive, politician approach meaning I reiterate the advice that has already been given, tell them my position on the matter has not changed, and I will help where I can once they decide to take a different approach. This is such a foreign idea to me. I don’t know how to be passive. To be honest I don’t know if I CAN. I have never been passive a day in my life and this new approach is just foreign to me. I want to be there for this person but I can’t continue to watch them cause themselves pain.

Has my removing myself from the situation made it more about me and less about them? How do you “passively support” someone?