I’m just beautiful me

As I get older one thing becomes more and more (painfully ) clear: I am my own WORST critic, and it needs to STOP. 

Today Husband and I had pictures taken, and tonight my photographer posted a preview on Facebook. This photo, actually: 

It's beautiful. The colors coordinate well and are bright and vivid. I am radiant. Husband is smiling (well as close as he comes to smiling for pictures anyway), and his eyes are so BLUE. We look like we are comfortable and happy with each other. 

Kate and Sassy Jose told us all through the evening how great we looked and how happy they were with the shots they were getting. I know it is not most important (or at all), but there has been a huge outpouring of love from our friends in the form of 'Likes' and positive, loving comments on Social Media. What IS most important:
This is a photograph of me and my beloved. Because of that there is not one reason I should look at this photograph with anything but a heart bursting with love. 

My initial reaction to seeing this photo? "Ugh. I have a pooch-I wish I could have found my belt so I could hide that, I'm jowly, you can totally tell I need my roots done, and to top it all off I am REALLY starting to look like a tired, middle aged woman."

WHY!? WHY DO WE DO THIS!?? 

 I am surrounded by beautiful people I am lucky enough to call friends. They come in all shapes and sizes, with so many wonderful attributes and talents. I constantly find myself comparing myself to these incredible women and tearing myself down because I don't stack up to my own stupid standards; Social Media makes it even worse. Rather than being happy with what I CAN do and a body that works and is healthy and allows me to do so many things others cannot I can only focus on the fact that I am simply not built to be a size 6 or a B cup-no matter how many treats I refuse or Zumba classes I attend (thanks hearty Dutch genes!). Instead of relishing that every day I look more and more like my beautiful, precious mother and I have a loving, supportive Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful woman alive all I can think is that I no longer look like I'm 20--like that's a bad thing. Yes, I will be 35 this year; I am closer to 40 than 20. I am officially middle aged. There. I said it. I have smile lines, crows feet, and old acne scars. But do you know what? Those smile lines and crows feet show I have lived a life that has sometimes been sad, but has mostly been full of happiness and laughter. They show I have learned and grown. And those scars? They taught me empathy and compassion; they remind me of that every time I look in the mirror. Most importantly? The scars and lines aren't as bad as I perceive them to be. 

I catch myself doing it with other parts of my life, too. I recently embarked upon an opportunity that has presented itself (it is still very much in the air so I don't want to put too much out there yet), and once I put myself out there for this opportunity I immediately began to doubt and nay say myself. 

I am always telling myself I am beautiful, good enough, capable, and qualified, yet I rarely BELIEVE IT. What good is telling ourselves these things if we refuse to actually believe them?

I am working on all of these things, and learning that confidence is not pride and self-doubt is not humility, but it is a slow process. A process I was reminded of again tonight. When I receive the rest of my images from tonight's session I will try my hardest to make sure I only focus on the positive and not the negative. I need to remember my perception isn't always correct; and the people I love clearly see something I do not, so I need to trust that. As for the days that doesn't work I will just play this on repeat, have a good cry, get up, brush myself off, and try again tomorrow. 

 

i choose kristen

An entire year without blogging. That really makes my heart sad. So many times I sat down, only to become so overwhelmed with anxiety and negativity that I decided no blog was better than one filled to the brim with everything I hate reading myself. Even now I'm struggling to finish this because I know it's not going to be all sunshine and roses and not necessarily what some people want to hear.

This week I made a decision, one that I have known I've needed to make, but have been avoiding for a while. I decided to stop doing something that used to make me happy, but now only brings heartache, pain, and guilt. Before you jump there Mr. Wonderful and I are great. Better than great. We are awesome. He is my rock and support and a large part of why I had the courage to finally make the decision I have been avoiding for so long. After I close my current project I think I'm done with theatre. Wow. Saying  it out loud and seeing it in print are two completely different things. Writing it makes it real, somehow.

Why, you may ask? The answer is long, and complex, but the simple answer is this:

I'm DONE.

Done giving people control over my schedule, feelings, and self-worth. Done feeling like I'm doing it because I "have to" or that I will be letting people down if I stop rather than doing it for me and the joy it once brought me. Done being criticized by complete strangers. Done spending precious time away from Husband only to feel that time has been wasted. Done being a punching bag to others merely for being willing to donate my time and talents. Done working so hard for something that at the end of the day is pretty thankless. Done letting this part of me define my entire being. Done being afraid to walk away because I will lose the recognition I have worked hard for and fearing I will have to start paying my dues all over again should I come back. Done having negative experience after negative experience, yet still coming back because "this time will be different". Done doing favors only to have it come back and bite me. Done with late nights that turn into early mornings and Saturday morning rehearsals. Done feeling like I always have a black cloud hanging over me, and most importantly I'm done taking out all these frustrations and insecurities on Mr. Wonderful. He has done nothing to deserve it, yet he's the one who gets to take it all because I know he'll still be there and still love me when all is said and done.

Ugh, drama is so aptly named. There has been a lot of it, that's for sure, but I am grateful for what it has brought me. Being on stage got me through one of the hardest times of my life and helped me figure out who I was again. It has blessed me with wonderful friends and opportunities I don't think I would have found otherwise. But, there is a time and a season for all things, and I think this season has come to an end. I'm ready to spend time cultivating other things I enjoy but didn't make time for because theatre was all-encompassing for so long. I am more than the stage, and I've been feeling this way for a while. It's time to act on these feelings. Theatre is a PART of me, not entirely what I am.

Is being done a forever thing? Good heavens I hope not, but for something to get me back on stage in the immediate future it would have to be something big. HUGE. Something I would regret forever if I didn't do or would just be plain dumb to pass up. There aren't many feelings like being on stage, but if I never step foot on one again I can look back over the last 17 years, smile, and be proud of my body of work. Right now I need to focus on me, my other long-neglected talents, and my future with Mr. Wonderful.

To quote my girl Olivia Pope (a little out of context, but still rings true to me), "I choose me. I am choosing Kristen." And you know what? That gets to be okay.

whoops!

Because I suck, and thought 30 cards would be PLENTY. (Yeah, it wasn't even close). This is my first year doing this for two so I get a pass, right?

Please accept this electronic card along with our wishes for a joyous holiday season and a safe, and Happy New Year!!

weird

WARNING: I say 'weird' a lot in this post. Like A LOT. And there may or may not be a monster photo dump at the end as well. Consider yourselves warned.

I’m still working on ‘the post’. It will be at least another 3-4 weeks before we have our photos and video, and honestly once I got my dress on I only remember maybe 30 minutes of the whole night. It's not even a continuous 30 minutes at that-more like random flashes so I’m hoping the pictures and video will help jar my memory. Until then you get this other thing I’ve been mulling over since the wedding.

As of today Mr. Wonderful and I have been married for two whole weeks. The thing I get asked the most is “how’s married life?” My reply? Weird. Married life is a lot of things-but weird tops the list for me. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not unhappy or complaining. I love Mr. Wonderful more than anything and I am so happy he chose me to share this adventure with, but it’s still weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless.

It’s weird to be Kristen Newman…Mrs. Newman…Sister Newman. It’s weird that the Seinfeld reference I thought was so funny when we first met (‘Hello, Newman’) is now one of the most annoying things ever. It’s weird to know I’m done looking for my Eternal Companion-Mr Wonderful is my guy, forever and ever. It’s weird to have him come home and snuggle up next to me every night rather than call me on his way home from work as I’m falling asleep. It’s weird to be budgeting money and sharing the expenses with him after I’ve been doing it by myself for so long. It’s weird learning how to sleep on a side vs the middle of the bed (the act of ‘star fishing’ makes sharing a bed with ANYONE problematic). Although he had seen me not looking pretty before the wedding it’s weird for him to see me with the sleep in my eyes, morning breath, grumpy ‘just leave me alone and let me wake up in peace’ demeanor, and bangs that stick straight up (no joke) when I very first wake up--every single day. It’s weird living with someone after ten years of being alone and getting used to each other’s quirks. It’s weird that all it took was a 20 minute ceremony for sex to be ok (and encouraged) after 33 years of waiting. It’s weird that I have a whole new family that loves and accepts me and it’s weird how I instantly loved them back. It’s weird to go grocery shopping for two and to make food and know that half to two-thirds of it is not going to go bad before it gets eaten. It’s weird to be buying milk twice a week. It’s weird to not be stressed all the time about dating, getting engaged, or planning a wedding and constantly being on the brink of a melt-down. It’s weird how easily we transitioned from ‘dating’ to ‘married’-especially Mr. Wonderful. He is like a duck in water. It really has been an awesome thing to watch, marriage totally suits him.  It’s weird how jarring it is to go from planning a wedding to being married and how quickly everyone’s lives go back to normal after you’ve been running at Mach speeds for so long (this change happens quite literally overnight). It’s weird that it’s not all about me and my wants and needs anymore; and it’s weird to constantly remind myself ‘I’ is now an ‘us’, and there is another person to consider when I make decisions because they don’t just affect me anymore. There’s an us here now.

So yes, being married is weird. But it’s also pretty fantastic. Although all the things I mentioned are weird, they’re pretty freaking awesome, too. I just wish people would have told me how weird it would be, and that this surreal, weird feeling is completely normal!! I also wish I had taken the people who DID say this to me seriously. Now I will reiterate it for you to ignore like I did:

Marriage is fantastic. But it’s weird. And an adjustment-even when you’ve been together as long as Mr. Wonderful and I. I’m learning no couple is exempt from this, but that’s ok! It’s an adjustment looking at your new signature and realizing that you’re still you (just new and improved), or remembering the hand turning the key in the lock at 11:30 at night is supposed to be there so there’s no need for your pulse to quicken and your adrenaline to race.

So yes, it’s weird. They don’t call it a major life change for nothing. And you know what I’m learning? It’s ok for it to be weird. There’s nothing wrong with me because it’ll be weird for the next little bit. I had 33 years to get where I was before, and no matter how wonderful and right this change is it’s going to take more than two weeks for me to get used to where I’m going next. And you know what? That gets to be ok. Good thing I have a pretty awesome, supportive, amazing, loving man by my side. That helps a lot with the weirdness, too. This marriage thing was a pretty good idea, after all. I highly recommend it. Oh, and as promised here's the photo dump to get you by--thanks to the fantastically talented Nancy for taking them!

With daddy. Look at those lashes!!

LB2 was in a car accident (he's ok!) and was in the hospital so he was unable to attend. I am SO grateful for modern technology and friends with iPads so we could Facetime him in!!

Waving to LB2 on the iPad during the ceremony.

                                                        

You bet there's a zombie on this!

Mr Wonderful wanted cupcakes, so he got cupcakes.

I don't know what this is...

I'm sorry Megan. I LOVE this picture and your "wow this is heavy face" too much!

Dancing with my daddy.

My handsome Groom dancing with my momma

I have silly nieces

My beautiful niece who wanted nothing more than to dance with me all night. She even called last night to ask when I was getting married again. Once is enough for me, baby girl.

Being scary with my nieces.

Yep. She's gorgeous. And my friend. Lucky!!

tie it up

So this happened:

Wow. The flash made me look white but my diamond sure is purty!
Don't worry. He didn't propose at my house. We took this after we got home.

Yep, it’s official. Mr. Wonderful and I are tying the knot!

We (well he) made it official August 31, but we wanted people to find out from us and not on Facebook, Instagram, the blog, or through the grapevine. So chances are if you’re reading this you already know (if you don’t I’m so sorry you were missed-unless you read it on feedly earlier this week that means  you weren't missed, stupid, stupid feedly beating me to the punch), but now that it's official official I’m just too dang excited to NOT say anything every chance I get!!! 

I say 'official official' because the REAL surprise here is we have been planning this since MAY. Yep, you read that right, Mr. Wonderful and I have been secretly planning a wedding ALL SUMMER. *insert maniacal laugh* Why wait so long before saying anything, you ask? Well we wanted a ring on my finger before we said anything, and to be honest after my first failed attempt at making it down the aisle I have been more than a little gun shy this time around. Although I know it's no guarantee of success we both REALLY wanted a ring on my finger before we said anything-mostly so that it felt real to me. I chose to play my cards close to my chest until I was sure it was a done deal. And now it is. Preparations are well on their way.

I would love to tell it here but Mr. Wonderful is a very private guy and has asked me to not share our engagement story with the interwebnets, so I’m respecting his wishes. If the curiosity is just too much to bear I am happy to share it with you personally or via private message if you would like. 

So instead of ‘the story’ here are a few things I’ve learned over the last twelve weeks: 

-I am great at keeping secrets—except my own. I may have let it slip to a few people (ok, like more than a few). Thank you all for keeping your mouths zipped when I could not!!

-Having a few people in the know was actually nice because I had people to talk to and bounce ideas off of when Mr. Wonderful was sick of getting an earful.

-Just because you title your Pinterest board ‘Someday’ doesn’t mean people won’t jump to conclusions and start asking you if you are in fact, engaged.

-You don’t have to have a ring on your finger for people to be GENUINELY happy and EXCITED for you-one person may or may not have started crying upon hearing the news. (You know who you are, and thank you for that reaction. It was priceless to me.)
-When you do finally 'have a ring on it' it's really distracting and you spend a lot of time looking at your hands.

-Although I’ve had marriage on the brain pretty much my entire life (I am a girl you know), forming all these ideas into a cohesive plan that is both economical and practical to carry out is HARD.

-Having a groom who chooses to be completely involved in the planning process is great, but it also makes planning harder because now I actually have to compromise vs "do whatever you want, I will just show up, stand where I'm told, and look good". (Good thing he has ideas that are usually better than mine anyway.)

-TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE. Seriously. In the time it took to look at it and then get Mr Wonderful there to fall in love with it too (24 hours) the venue went from available to not for the day we originally wanted and we had to push the date back a week.

-Although it has been a hard secret to keep, it has been fun having something just between Mr. Wonderful and me (well mostly between us).
-As worried as I was about being labeled a hypocrite or being judged for choosing to be married civilly first rather than in the temple so ALL of our nearest and dearest could be there (most importantly my daddy and our siblings), people have been super supportive and accepting of my reasons. But then I have the best family and friends ever so I shouldn't be surprised by this, right?

-Everything I thought I knew about me has been thrown out the window. Although I HOPE I haven’t been a Bridezilla I HAVE been overly-emotional. Seriously guys, tears at the drop of a hat over the most ridiculous things. Rational Kristen would have been fine, but Bride Kristen? Not so much. It’s quite embarrassing to Rational Kristen, actually.

-I REALLY wish I had followed through with when I was sixteen and decided to start saving for my wedding. Sixteen years is plenty of time to build quite the nest egg--hell, even if I'd started when Mr. Wonderful and I started dating we'd have more than enough for the wedding of our dreams! 

-We have entertained eloping more than once. If we didn’t know at least a dozen people each who would kill us for doing so we probably would have. (Plus once you start paying deposits you're kinda committed to staying put.)

-Having a seamstress for a mother is a huge blessing-I am getting exactly what I want, although having her 300 miles away makes fittings difficult.
-My whole family is just a huge blessing-my little brother is building us the arch we will be married under and then GIVING it to us to put in our yard one day--just because I mentioned it would be nice but out of our budget. Seriously, guys. Anything I have mentioned I would like but labeled 'undo-able' they have taken the initiative and figured out ways to give it to us. Best. Family. EVER. 

-As much as I thought I wanted things to play out one way: Unexpected proposal (well as unexpected as six years can get us) with a ring he chose himself, then letting everyone know and commencing with the planning, this way (as backwards as it may seem to some-including me) was perfect. I loved choosing my ring with him (waiting for him to finally give it to me-not so much) and making plans just the two of us. It’s been fun, but I’m happy to finally be able to let you in on our secret (as are the people who were sworn to secrecy I'm sure)!
-There is no such thing as 'normal' and trying to compare my normal to other people's normal is just a bad idea all around. Things happen the way they are supposed to, and just because it worked a certain way for someone else does not mean that it's how it will work out for you, and you know what? THAT'S OKAY. 

So those are just a few things I have learned over the last few months. I will say October 23 can not come fast enough-I can hardly wait to start my new life with Mr. Wonderful. It’s been a long time coming and patience in the Lord’s timing definitely pays off. He is the perfect man for me and I love him so much.

Because I don’t want to be “that person” I am trying to be sensitive to people I love, so after this post I will be trying to not spam everyone with anything that isn’t solicited, but I am happy to tell you anything you want to know personally!
(Or you can visit the wedding blog I've set up-provided I make time to post there too www.scottandkristen2013.blogspot.com. If that fails you can visit our website if you wanna. www.scottandkristen2013.com/)

word vomit

I'm pretty good at thinking before I speak...usually.

Unless it involves a certain man and a certain life event that is well on its way but has yet to occur. (No I'm not delusional, I promise. I'm not going to share why for the interwebs though.) When that subject comes up I'm about as capable of keeping my filter intact as well...nothing.

Seriously what is my deal? I can go from decent, loving girl to ungrateful spoiled brat in a matter of nano seconds. The fact that I am well aware of what I'm doing and still incapable of keeping my mouth shut is particularly disturbing. Especially because no matter what anyone says NO ONE deserves having to put up with that. I know it's terrible and unacceptable because not only am I ashamed of my abhorrent behavior I'm absolutely humiliated to admit this. WHY am I admitting this publicly again? 

How do you keep your filter in tact? I'm failing miserably and if Mr Wonderful knew what was good for him he'd simply say 'sayonara' rather than put up with this nonsense.  Because I will be the first to admit it is complete nonsense.

needy pants

For the past week Mr. Wonderful has been sick. REALLY sick. For those of you who know Mr. Wonderful this is a BIG DEAL. He never gets sick. With the exception of the "Disneyland Swine Flu Incident of 2009" I have never seen him be really floored by anything. He's one of those people who can take some Ny-Quil, get a good night's sleep, and be fine the next morning. Because he has been feeling so terrible and I am just starting to feel normal again after my months worth of back/neck problems he has forbidden me to come around. I'm sure the fact that I am a complete BEAR when I don't feel well has nothing to do with this decision either...riiight.

Just when we thought he was getting better a trip to InstaCare yesterday revealed he's got pink eye now, too. At least I can take comfort in the fact the strep test was negative and his lungs and chest sounded great, right? Can I just say how much I hate it? I hate not seeing him, knowing that he's miserable and there's nothing I can do, and my inner nurturer especially hates not being able take care of him. The thing I hate the most is how irritable I have been this week not having him around.

Needing someone is always construed as being such a negative thing, but I need Mr. Wonderful around. If I've had anything confirmed to me this week is this: I CAN manage without Mr. Wonderful, I just don't WANT to. I am lucky to have a man who is constantly encouraging me to pursue my own interests, have my own friends, and be my own person, but I'm better when we're together. He brings out the best in me and he makes me want to be the best person possible because that's what he deserves. He is the steady keel to my random crazy, and as a result I'm just happier when he's around.  

If that makes me needy, then guilty as charged. I'm a simple person and I don't need a lot to be happy. I'm not always looking for something bigger and better. I'm content just being able to sit on the couch and watch a movie with my sweetie. When I can't do that it makes me grumpy. I just know I can't wait until he's no longer sick. Any good juju/happy thoughts/prayers you want to send his way would be greatly appreciated.

moving by the numbers

Well ladies and gentlemen, the day has come and gone and I am officially moved!! It was a long, stressful, not fun process, but I'm glad it's finally over and done with. Tuesday night as I was unpacking the last of my boxes I realized there are a LOT of numbers involved in moving. For your reading enjoyment, here they are:

People recruited to help: 5
People who came from St. George: 2 (thanks Momma and LB2!)
Moving trucks rented: 1
Hours spent loading and unloading truck: 6
Shins hit into ball hitch on truck: 3
Washer and dryer on loan from awesome man: 1 of each
Back injuries: 1 (it was Mr Wonderful, and he's fine now, just twisted it weird trying to maneuver his washer up his parent's stairs.)
Increase in square footage: 110
How much bigger it feels: 0
Balcony entrances: 2
Trips to Lowes/Home Depot: 3
Boxes moved/unpacked: 50-ish
Times I misplaced my box cutter: Countless
Cuts/scrapes/other odd hand ailments: 4
Days taken off of work: 2
Days I wish I had taken: 5
Loads of laundry waiting for me over the next two days: 5 or 6 (It's amazing what you put off washing when confronted with the reality of having to lug it to the laundromat)
Trips to the dumpster: 5
Bags sent to the DI: 4
Happy birds: 1 (or it could be because she's Lizzy Borden .)
Emotional melt-downs: 2 (In my defense I was just done)
New neighbors met: 3
Change of addresses submitted: 5 ( I THINK I got them all...)
Days without DVR: 3
Keys turned in: 5
Noisy Neighbors: ZERO!!!

To sum it up moving sucks. It's expensive, stressful, emotionally and physically draining, and has the potential to ruin even the strongest relationships.
My friend Steve said it best: anything it can cost you to move it will. Well put Steve, well put.