what if...

Although I have few regrets I sometimes wonder how different my life would be had I made different choices. These moments of insight are usually brought on by extreme exhaustion-because I'm a big fat baby when I'm mentally, emotionally, or physically beat.

I was reading a dear friend's post this morning, and after commenting I got to thinking about my own botched second chance story and asking myself the dreaded "what if". We need a little background first...

It was the beginning of summer circa 2000. I was working as an Assistant Manager over events at the Hollywood Connection and my matchmaker boss thought it would be a good idea to set me up with her son, Butthead (you can already tell how this story ends, can't you?). Wait-that's not fair--I shouldn't tarnish your impression of him just yet. Let's call him Beavis instead.

Beavis and I had a small flirtation going (we all worked together), so I agreed to the set up. Being 19 and stupid I fell for Beavis. HARD. He remained true to boy form and "played it cool"-us adults call it giving someone the run around and playing games. I had tried to convince myself that Beavis was "playing it cool" because he was leaving for his mission in August. Although we only went on the one date we began to spend more time together in the days leading up to his departure and he told his sister (my friend) that he was seriously considering marrying me when he got home. About three months after he left I started dating my best friend and 'Dear Johned' Beavis--well I would have if he hadn't gotten sick and had to come home early. After a well-intentioned attempt to date two men at once, Beavis turned into a Butthead and Superman Lover won out. In the intrest of full disclosure I have to say I did NOT handle this situation well--but in my defense I was 20 and had never had one man vying for my affections, let alone two. Beavis just made my decision easier by not ever asking me out but having no problem being a jealous jerk any time I did anything with Superman Lover--who DID ask me out.

Fast forward six years. Superman Lover and I had broken off our engagement about ten months earlier and I thought I might be ready to dip my toes into the shallow end of the dating pool. Since I was 25 (old maid by Utah LDS standards), I wasn't sure how to get back into that whole scene so I signed up for a few (LDS) online dating sites hoping to ease my way into things. Who should be one of the first people I was matched with? None other than Butthead-no joke. Being as time (and my recent heartbreak) had offered me a certain level of clarity on how I had handled the situation with Butthead I messaged him and apologized. About a month later he wrote back, texts and phone calls were shared, and he eventually asked me out again. Even after all that time he still tried to "play it cool" and act as if he was doing me a favor by spending time with me. Of course like an idiot I fell hard for Butthead. AGAIN-although I like to think it was because I was on the rebound and adjusting to being single after so long-not because I was a pathetic sap. Looking back I'm pretty sure he was just getting me back for choosing Superman Lover, but I was up to my eyeballs in smitten-ness to realize let alone accept he just wasn't that into me.

During this time my path had crossed  yet again with Mr. Wonderful. For those of you who don't know how we met here's the abridged version:
We met in High School-we had Seminary together. We had mutual crushes on each other but he never acted on it because he says he was told "He was too young for me"-which is all entirely possible given how shallow I was in HS, although I don't remember saying it. After HS our paths would cross at random times-most notably almost immediately after Superman Lover and I got engaged and then again around the time I was chasing Butthead like a fool. He tells me now that during the time I was following Butthead around his texts asking to "do something" was his attempt to ask me out, but in my book "hanging out" is NOT dating. As a result I would find excuses to not go and focus my time on Butthead instead, although there was one exception-I finally agreed and told Mr. Wonderful I would "hang out" with him. We met at the movies-saw some horribly forgettable Jason Statham movie, and had dinner afterwards. Looking back I remember feeling something for him then, but because I was still so ridiculously hung up on Butthead and nursing a wounded heart post-Superman Lover I shrugged it off as nothing.

Ok, back to the story: fast forward another seven months-I was up to my eyeballs in smitten-ness and playing occasional NCMO buddies with Butthead (Riss, I know, I KNOW. I'm ashamed to admit it-it is one of my few regrets.) trying to convince myself it was something it wasn't, when Mr. Wonderful texted me out of the blue to remind me to pre-order my copy of HP7. I started talking more and more to Mr. Wonderful and less and less to Butthead at this point. July 21 finally rolled around and I headed to Barnes and Noble with a couple friends to join in on the realease party festivites. Mr. Wonderful was there of course, and the rest is history. (If you want to know the particulars I'm happy to share.)

The whole point of this rambling post is this: how would my life have been different had I actually given Mr. Wonderful a chance? What could have happened had we actually dated in High School? What would have happened if I had blown Butthead off rather than Mr. Wonderful? Although I have NO REGRETS in my time with Superman Lover I can't help but wonder how things would be different today had I made different choices knowing what I know now.

Too bad life isn't like a Choose Your Own Adventure book and you can read ahead to the end and choose the path you like best. I know that would have saved me a lot of embarassing and painful memories...