have a little faith

Recently I had an epiphany of sorts. All surrounding a five letter word. Faith. For most we associate faith with religion-and whether or not we believe in some form of Deity. But faith comes in all forms, and it’s something I think it’s safe to say we all struggle with in some degree.

I have never struggled with faith in regards to my religion. I know what I believe is true; I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and blesses my life. I have known this from a very early age and have never wavered. Some people say I blindly follow, but to them I simply say “you don’t have to look for something you already know.” In this regard my faith is as easy as breathing. 

Where I struggle with this little word is having faith in others. There have been a lot of circumstances that have shaped me and made me who I am. Some are good, and some not so much. I am no longer bright-eyed and in love with the world; but rather I am cynical, angry, and distrusting towards that same world I once loved. Because of this I am very much a “if you want something done (not necessarily right, just done), you need to do it yourself.” Because of being burned before I always prefer to do things myself; that way I know it’s done and done the way I want it/need it to be. 

Because of my experiences I have a hard time having faith in people and their ability to follow through with what they say they will do, or asking for help because I don’t trust people to do what they say. Although I WANT to believe they will come through, more often than not I find myself expecting the “inevitable” and not being surprised when people do let me down. Yes, I understand what you put out to the Universe is what you get in return, but this is just something I’m really struggling with. I WANT to be that person who trusts people at their word rather than looking at it with skepticism and setting people up to fail before they've even begun.

How does one regain faith in people? Because I’ll admit, I have none. 

proof I was in fact a blonde once...

Braddy, Dizzy, Most Happy Girl, and the rest of you non-believers, here you go:

It's not very big (couldn't enlarge it without distorting it), or very flattering, but it's undeniably me. I am a natural blonde. Here's my Mads pic too-well part of it...can you find me? (Hint: I'm the blonde on the bridge.)

Man, I'm not photogenic. AT ALL.

Liebster Award

My sweet friend over at One Crazy Girl's Kitchen nominated my blog for a Liebster Award*! I don't know that there is an actual award; it kinda sounds like a gimmick to get our friends to branch out and try new blogs... and I'm totally on board with that ;D (Totally cut and pasted Dizzy Dandelion's response here--thanks!)

The Fun Rules:

• The nominee must link back to the blogger who nominated them.
• The nominee must state 11 facts about themselves, and then answer the 11 questions provided for them by the person who nominated them.
• The nominee must then nominate bloggers with less than 200 followers, who they think deserve the recognition, and pose 11 new questions for them to answer.

Random facts about me:

1. I am a natural blonde and carry my Senior picture in my wallet to prove it to the people who don't believe me.
2. I know how to navigate Disneyland better than I do my local amusement park, Lagoon.
3. The Iphone has a function where if you tap the space bar twice it enters a period in texts. I regularly fat finger a space and the letter 'b'. So if you get one of those I'm not calling you a name, I just didn't pay attention before pressing 'Send'. Same thing holds true for Facebook posts I make from my phone (which is pretty much all of them.)
4. I LOVE the company I work for, but HATE the job I do for them right now.
5. I regularly sing at random and don't realize I'm doing it. (At least that's what I'm told.)
6. I am a trivia nut. I can't learn much about a specific subject to save my life, but I LOVE learning random "did you know" factoids. 
7. I am now a Mary Kay consultant. (No seriously. I signed up like 20 minutes ago.)
8. I am a child of the 80's but I've never seen 'Karate Kid' or 'Crocodile Dundee'-much to Mr Wonderful's shock and chagrin.
9. I HATE getting manicures. If I'm not worrying about the cleanliness of the tools or about how it's not going to look the way I want it's the fact I'll probably just end up going home and re-doing it myself after spending $30 (true story). Then I'm just ticked that I wasted money for something I could have done better myself. So now I just do them myself. 
10. When I was 18 I was *this close* to mustering up the courage to move to Nashville to become a singer, but my fear of failure got in the way.
11. Mr. Wonderful and I met in High School, had crushes on each other, but never went out on a date until we decided to start dating after we kept running into each other everywhere almost ten years later.

Answers to One Crazy Girl's Kitchen's questions:

1. What is your favorite color and why?  Green. It's just so happy and pretty, and it is the first thing I remember re-learning about myself after my engagement to Fiancee' #1  ended.
2. Who is your greatest inspiration?  Total cop-out answer, but my mom. She is so kind, patient, loving, positive, and TALENTED! When I was 20 she made me a Sleeping Beauty gown using the patterns from the toddler costume and a WEDDING DRESS. There's seriously nothing she can't sew. If I'm half the woman/mother she is I will consider my life a success.
3. What is the strangest thing you've ever eaten?  Sea Beans. They look like little green twigs, but are tender like green beans and since they grow in the ocean they taste like the ocean. Surprisingly delicious.
4. What is one talent you wish you had?  I have always wanted to be able to play the piano and the guitar. I want so badly to be a songwriter. 
5. What is your favorite movie?  I love Mr. Holland's Opus. I hope that one day I will touch lives the way Mr. Holland did. 
6. What is your favorite vacation memory? Anything that involves Disneyland. Probably my most favorite is when I went with my family (extended included) in 2007.
7. What is one food you refuse to eat?  Magic shell. It's the most disgusting concoction known to man. If I wanted to chew on wax I would eat a candle.
   
8. How long have you lived in your current home?  One year, one month. :)
9. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?  Seattle or Del Mar, California.   
10. What is your biggest pet peeve?  I have a few, but I HATE having to repeat myself when people just aren't listening.
11. What is one thing you couldn't live without for a day?  My phone. I feel naked without it.  

Nominees (in no particular order):

Sassy Jose
The Life and Times of SR Braddy
An Idosyncratic Life
Life as an Overly-Anxious Introvert
The Innerworking's of Justina's Mind
Michael and Karalee

Questions for nominees:

1. If money/success were no hindrance to you what would you be doing for a living? Why?
2. Is there a character from a movie/book you most relate to? Who is it?
3. If you turned your Ipod (or other music playing device) on right now what would be playing?
4. What is your guiltiest pleasure?
5. What would you today tell the you of ten years ago?
6. Do you sing along to the radio? What's your favorite song to sing to?
7. If you won the lottery tomorrow, what would be your first non-bill/debt paying purchase?
8. Favorite vacation spot?
9. Describe your perfect day.
10. What is one thing on your bucket list?
11. If you could be anyone else for a day who would you choose and why?
 

we're all equal-unless you're different from me

What I’m about to write is a very heated topic with little to no gray area for most. I’m sure there will be a few of you reading this who don’t agree with what I have to say. That’s ok, but this is my blog, and I write about what I want. You choose to continue reading. Although I never intend to offend and I try to keep things light and fun, writing my feelings about this topic in my journal over and over and over isn’t helping me to feel better. Maybe putting it here will. I am not intending to offend anyone, and if I do I am truly sorry. I’m just trying to comprehend. If you choose to read on you may feel the need to comment. Please do. I welcome open, respectful conversations, EVERYONE’S right to have a differing opinion, and the right to make those opinions heard—even if I don’t agree.  HOWEVER-please be advised I will NOT tolerate hateful, hurtful, goading, or attacking comments. They will be immediately deleted and my relationship with you will be reconsidered. If you choose to read on you are agreeing to the terms mentioned above.

Change is a comin’. The LGBT community is demanding it. And do you know what? I’M ALL FOR IT. Yep, this little Mormon girl from Salt Lake is for Gay Rights. Why, you may ask? Because I feel that it’s the right thing to do. I don’t understand how people can feel they have the right to rob someone else of happiness. I know I wouldn’t appreciate someone telling me that the love Mr. Wonderful and I share is evil, and immoral, and an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, so who am I to say that to someone else? Some of you may argue that “the Bible says”. Ok, so WHAT if the Bible says? The Bible also says to love one another and to leave the judging up to God, but we definitely have no problem ignoring those passages.  You don’t get to pick who you love any more than you got to pick your parents or the color of your skin. Am I saying to ignore what you believe to be true and follow what the mainstream tells you to do? Of course not. Am I asking you to show everyone the same unconditional love Christ shows for us all? Abso-frickin-lutely.

When I was young I felt differently. I even voted for Utah Constitutional Amendment 3. This is probably the biggest regret I have and one of the things I am most ashamed of.  Mostly because at my young age I didn’t really understand what I was doing. Although I have never had a problem with the LGBT community I was following the current, and not really thinking for myself (evidence there just how dangerous uneducated voters are, but I digress). Two days after that election I was at work talking to one of my regular customers about the outcome. He also happened to be gay. He expressed his profound sadness about the decision and his anger at the pride of people for thinking we had the right to tell him how to live his life. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Why would people want to deny me the opportunity to marry someone I love?” After that it was personal for me and I have never wished so badly that I could take something back. Seeing the tears in my friend’s eyes and knowing that I had caused him pain with my actions will be something I regret forever. That experience taught me just how important our agency is, and how it’s even more important to not take that away from others. Agency is the one thing Heavenly Father won’t take from us. Why do we feel we are allowed to do so? There are exceptions to this, of course. When someone is putting themselves or others in danger or taking away the rights of others, then yes, we need to step in and say ‘no’. I just don’t understand how something as silly as a man wanting to marry another man is enough to send us into upheaval.

People will argue the ‘sanctity of marriage’. To that I say bullshit. Marriage has NEVER been sacred--wait, let me re-phrase. Marriage is only as sacred as the people entering into it treat it. Marriage began as a business transaction and a way for countries to maintain peace. It’s only within the last 200 years that people have actually married for love, and not for some sort of monetary benefit. Even marriage in the last 50 years has changed drastically. I know many married couples who don’t plan to have, nor want, children. Fifty years ago this was unheard of. Yes, marriage is an important step for some who want to have a family, but it’s not the sole reason to do it anymore. The people who argue ‘then what’s the point in getting married’ ask the elderly couple, the infertile couple, the couple who were finished having children before they remarried why and they’ll tell you: LOVE. Two gay men marrying each other will no more sully the reputation of marriage any more then we heterosexuals have done. This isn’t a new thing. Henry VII was married EIGHT times, and MURDERED TWO because of his roving eye. If you want to see a modern day version, look around you. It’s in the 50% of marriages that end in divorce, the bed-hopping culture we live in, the Kim Kardashians and Britney Spears who change husbands the way we change clothes. The spouses who couldn’t remain faithful if they tried, and the people who joke “this is only my first marriage. I have time” have completed that task. I just don’t understand how people who have known each other for hours can run to Vegas in a drunken stupor and get married, but a loving, committed gay couple who have spent their entire lives to each other cannot. Yes, the LGBT community has a reputation for being promiscuous, but guess what? The hetero community is JUST AS BAD. You don’t believe me watch any reality show on television or go to a bar or dance club. Denying the whole something because of the actions of a few is unfair and WRONG, and I will do everything I can to make my voice heard.

Yes there are arguments about the church part-they will lose their tax-exempt status for refusing to marry a gay couple, yadda yadda, yadda. Frankly, I’m not worried about that. Most of the gay friends I have are spiritual, but not religious, and the likelihood of them wanting to marry in a church (or temple) in a religious ceremony is about as likely as any of us growing another limb. Yes there will be people who will try, but I truly believe it won’t be the issue everyone is making it out to be so for me it’s a moot point.

The bottom line for me is it hurts my heart to see such hate camouflaged as Christianity. Denying people their right to choose is NOT Christian. Watching my best friend worry about whether he will get to marry the person he loves while I take it for granted hurts my heart so badly. To those of you who don't agree, but don't stoop to hateful, bible-bashing, 'you are evil and going to hell' comments, I am not talking to you. I understand and respect your right to feel differently. I just don't understand why. I'm LDS and this is the biggest problem I have with the Church. It is something I struggle with. Every. Day. Yes I understand the Gospel says it's wrong, but I also struggle with the fact we came here to have and exercise AGENCY. Although you don't choose to be gay if you choose to do something that contradicts those Gospel teachings how are you any different from the adulterers, thieves, and murderers? It may be a poor comparison, yes, but my point is they are exercising their right to choose, why can't everyone? How will gays being able to marry and have what we all strive for going to ruin and tarnish our own heterosexual relationships or diminish the value of what WE have with the person we love? How can some parents look at their gay children and in essence say 'You are not allowed to be happy because you are different from the rest of us'?
How ashamed will we feel in 50 years, looking back, and seeing how we treated our fellow man? I just don't understand, someone please help me understand how inequality equates to love and compassion? Forty years ago black men weren't allowed to hold the Priesthood because they were black. Now they can. Just three years ago the Church's stance on homosexuality was that it was a choice. Just last month they released a statement saying this isn't true-it's not a choice. I just don't understand how something that is so unlikely to affect us more than hey 'John can go see his husband in the ICU now when he couldn't before' is such a huge deal. Why are we taking it upon ourselves to be judge, jury, and executioner? It's the Lord's job to judge us, not ours. So why can't we all just focus on ourselves and our families and leave it at that? 

to forgive divine?

I have a past. Everyone does. What do you do when a part of your long-gone-almost forgotten past comes-a-knocking?

In High School I had a "friend". Then I called him my "best friend". Looking back now I know he was anything but...wait, that’s not fair. He had moments when he was a good friend and even lived up to the title I had bestowed on him, but they were few and far between…but maybe I’m saying that now because my view is marred…anyway.

Since meeting as Sophomores he had a thing for me and he always wanted me to give him a chance romantically. Finally during our Senior year of High School I agreed to take our friendship to the next level. It ‘worked’ for about two weeks…until he cheated on me. Well, I say we were just in a fight that hadn't been resolved when he cheated, he says we were broken up. Tomato tomahto. After that we went back to being friends and there was a lot of back and forth-he wanted me when he couldn’t have me, wasn’t interested when I was, etc. After a while I decided to stop the insanity, take the romantic card off the table, and just be friends again because his home life wasn't that great and I knew he needed a good friend above all else. 

I’ll spare you the details, but a lot happened in the time following our break up. As my 'friend' he continued to break my heart. Sometimes he cared he had, but most of the time he didn’t. The best word I can use to describe him is cavalier. In the years following High School he was in and out of my life-him telling me he had changed and he was going to be a better friend, me foolishly believing him and subsequently having my heart broken. He was still the king of wanting me when he couldn’t have me and completely disinterested when I would make myself available in a romantic regard. I allowed him to manipulate me and I missed out on other great opportunities as a result. By the time I was twenty I was over it and ended the friendship for good. I made myself clear that I was done being used and I had no interest in being a part of his life again—ever. I thought it was a clean break. I thought I would be free to go on with my life as normal. I thought wrong.

The first time he tried to get back in touch with me was a couple years after I ended things. We shared a mutual friend, I’ll call her A — but I should say friend is a generous word. He was about as good a friend to A as he was to me—so he quickly became an acquaintance to her. Because she’s a good person she humored him and played messenger. A refused to let him know anything about me-contact info, where I was, and what I was doing. She was my gatekeeper and I wanted it that way.  This happened almost every two to three years like clock work-I would start to feel confident he wouldn't try again, only to find another half-hearted, cocky attempt waiting for me in my in-box, or a text from A saying he had called again looking to get in touch with me. I had so much latent anger and hurt from him that I was still trying to process, and I had NO DESIRE to have him in my life, yet I couldn't seem to shake him. To me he was poison, and above all else I was still angry at myself for letting him make a fool out of me time after time when all I ever wanted from him was the friendship I so freely and unconditionally gave to him. Then he stopped trying to reach me. I thought he had finally clued in and that I was free of him hassling me.

When Myspace became a big thing he searched me out and tried again to contact me. He caught me off guard so my filters failed me. I let him have it. Eight years of latent hurt, anger, resentment, all came raining down on him in that email. He got it all. I took pot shots. I didn’t care. I wanted him to KNOW how much he hurt me, and I wanted him to hurt like I had all those times. I held all the cards, and we both knew it, so there were no holds barred. I had nothing to lose, and he had everything to gain if I let him back in my life. Once again I told him no way and to leave me alone. And he did. Until Monday morning.

Although I keep my Facebook as locked down as possible, I still make my profile searchable (what's the point of being on social networking if you refuse to be social? Just because someone can request my friendship doesn't mean I'm obligated to accept it...) He found me. He apologized and asked me for forgiveness. He even asked for the opportunity to earn my friendship back and get to know me again. His other letters were always so cocky, so self-centered, so much about how hard it's been for him, how horrible he has felt all these years, how he needed me in his life. He never worried about what his actions had done to me. This one felt grown-up, not at all about him, and shockingly enough it feels sincere. It's been two days and I'm still not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. My decision would have been easy had his most recent email been half as phony as the other ones, but it wasn't. I think I've processed the anger and hurt and have started to genuinely forgive him, but I don't know if I need him in my life the way he clearly thinks he needs me since he keeps making the effort to contact me. He lost my trust a long time ago. I also know people can change, but I have been burned too many times by this person. I am not willing to give him a chance to hurt me again, and sometimes the past is best left in the past. Even as I'm writing this I realize how much it sounds like a battered wife, and that right there should be my answer. I think more than anything I'm afraid of being a bad person. I want to take the high road on all of this and be able to stand before the Lord and account with a clear conscience, but I am older, wiser, less trusting, and admittedly more cynical then I was all those years ago. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I know I don't trust him, but I know I need to forgive him. I'm trying, but because those scars are so deep they have taken a VERY long time to heal and I don't know if I have actually forgiven him or just become indifferent to the whole thing.  

IF I decide to give him a chance, it will be on my terms, not his. He will earn every millimeter he is given, and I will have zero tolerance for slip-ups. One thing and it's done. I have done just fine without having him in my life. He will have a very short leash with very limited access to me. He will not have my cell number, email, or know where I live. All his contact will be restricted to his very limited access to my profile on Facebook.  Even knowing all of this I'm still very hesitant. Mr Wonderful said to do what I'm comfortable with and he'll support me no matter what. Is my intuition telling me not to do this or are my past experiences with this person clouding my judgement here?