choke

Picture if you will a cute brunette with a voice like an angel (her words, not mine-but you bet I won't let her forget it cause it makes me so happy!).

One bright and sunny October day she ventured down to a little building called the Delta Center (at least that's what it was called then-you might recognize it now as the ESA.) to sing a song. Not just any song, mind you. It was an audition to sing the National Anthem for our local team, the Utah Jazz (back when they didn't suck.). She was nervous, but ready. Then she stood on her red 'X' in the middle of the arena floor and began to sing to the crowd. It was awesome. Tone-perfect. Pitch-spot on. Projection-impeccable. She filled with pride as the swells of her music filled the arena. Then the unthinkable happened. "O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly gleaming---" then nothing. Silence. Her mind had drawn a complete blank. The one song she had known pretty much her entire life flew right out of her head. Even with the helpful calls of the next line from the other auditioners it was done. She couldn't get out of there fast enough-and proved it by nearly falling flat on her face running up the stairs to get the hell out of there.

Flash forward to the following year. She had been thinking about this day almost daily since the previous year, convinced that she must redeem herself and prove that the previous year was a fluke. So as she drove to the Delta Center she was nervous-worrying all the while that maybe this wasn't the best idea and that she should go across the street to the Gateway and see a movie instead. But she was determined. She HAD to show herself that she could do this-she had been to dozens of auditions-this one wasn't any different and she was going to RULE. Fortunately the auditions had been moved from the arena to a much smaller conference room. It was full, but not packed. As she took her seat on the back row waiting for her number to be called she could feel the paranoia coming back. As she fought off the urge to run she reminded herself she had this, she had been practicing all week in preparation, and she was READY. Finally it was her turn. She didn't start as confidently this time as she had the last, but it wasn't horrible. She started to relax and get into singing the song. Then it happened again. "O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly gleaming---" then nothing. Again? Really? Once again she thanked the judges (and quietly apologized for wasting their time) and left.

Afterwards she decided the two botched attempts was a sign she should never sing the National Anthem in public again. And she hasn't. For almost seven years she has not sung the National Anthem as a soloist.

Well folks, all of that is about to change. In just over three hours this cute little brunette is about to tempt fate again. I've been trying to keep my cool, but I'm not going to lie. I'm kind-of (ok, REALLY) nervous. Will I choke yet again and live up to the legacy I've created for myself? Or will I FINALLY get rid of my performer's block and do this dang song justice? We'll all know soon enough...

**UPDATE** I was calm, cool, collected, and  I remembered all the words-to be honest--I nailed it. I will be singing the National Anthem not once, at least twice, possibly three times during the Babe Ruth Little League World Series in August. (And after the crappy crap-tastic show I had last night I needed a little good news.)

an entire decade

It's hard to believe it's been an entire decade since 9-11. Hard to believe how much and how little we have changed as a country. Hard to believe how quickly so many people have forgotten how it felt to watch that day unfold. I am lucky; I didn't lose anyone that day, but I know people who did. My dad lost two of his close childhood friends-one was a policeman, the other was a firefighter.

I can still remember that day like it was yesterday.

I was lying in bed enjoying the fact I didn't have class that morning, but trying to milk every last second before I HAD to finally get up for work. It was a beautiful morning, and I remember thinking to myself how nice the day was shaping up to be. Just as I was giving in and getting up I heard my sister call out to my mom in terror, "MOM! There's another one flying into the building!" I went out to the living room and watched in disbelief. I remember hoping everyone would be ok, but then feeling ridiculous for doing so. I knew there were already lives lost and that the number was only going to go up. I remember asking my mom who Osama Bin Laden was and telling her he just started World War III. I immediately became afraid of what was to come-namely the draft being reinstated and having to send my brothers and boyfriend off to war.

My employees and I jerry-rigged an antenna for the television we had at work, and the news was on all day. I remember customers coming in not caring about the new releases like they normally did on Tuesdays, but rather what was playing out on the 14" TV on the counter. That's when I heard about Flight 93 and the attack on the Pentagon.

I was in rehearsals for 'The Music Man', and the mood was very distracted and somber. Our stage manager was from New York, and because of the jammed telephone lines she did not find out her family was safe until almost twelve hours later. I remember seeing the stress and the pain on her face and the helplessness I felt being able to do nothing to comfort her.

I had managed to not cry the entire day, until that evening sitting on my parents couch in the arms of Superman Lover. It was there watching yet another recap of the day that the weight of everything hit me and I finally cried for all the loss that had occurred as well as being afraid of what lied ahead. The Salt Lake Olympics were a mere five months away-I was afraid we were going to have a big bullseye on our back.

In the weeks and months that followed I remember the fear, and the heightened security everywhere, the consipracies, and all that garbage, but what I remember most is how patriotic and unified we were. I was grateful for that.  

Every year my heart hurts just as it did on the original day. I hope we as a country never forget. I don't think I could if I tried.