someone tell me when is it my turn, don't i get a dream for myself?

This week I had an experience that got me thinking and has been eating at me since. Please forgive me in advance-I should also warn you that I am doing my best to keep this as vague as possible--my experience involves an acquaintance who is in a lot of the same circles as I am. I am in no way trying to pass judgement and unintentionally offend this person OR our mutual friends...but I am a little bugged by it so it's going to be tough. If you're one of those offended, my sincere apologies for both that AND the novel-sized post today. Consider yourself warned on both accounts. 

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If I have learned ANYTHING in my short thirty years it's this: Life is NOT fair, and no matter what YOU may think you haven't "earned" anything. Most of the time we mistake "earning" something for feeling entitled to it because we've "paid our dues".  Although knowing is half the battle, it doesn't make swallowing this pill any easier.

West Jordan held auditions for "Annie Get Your Gun" this week. I love West Jordan, I've worked with the director before and simply adore her, "Annie Get Your Gun" is one of my most favorite shows and ever since I sang "Anything You Can Do" in a Stake musical review Annie Oakley has been on my (long) list of dream roles. It's been six months since I've actually been on stage, and although I've filled that time working behind the scenes I'm aching to do another show. Once I heard about auditions I immediately set my heart on playing Annie.

Tuesday evening rolled around and I laid on my bed, unable to muster the drive (and desire) to go. I had gone from being ecstatic for this audition to downright dreading it. I was (and am) just so tired of putting myself out there only to keep falling short of my goals. That mind set was enough to keep me in my bed the rest of the evening. Mr. Wonderful had to do everything short of physical violence to get me to go--please don't misunderstand there. He has never and will never force me to do anything I don't want to do, but he knew if I didn't go I would 'shoulda woulda coulda' for the next six months-especially because of how excited I had been. I decided trying and knowing was better than not, so I rolled out of bed and headed over.

When I got there they were running late. After I filled out the paperwork I had the opportunity to just sit and talk to a variety friends, old and new. (That's the nice and HORRIBLE thing about community theatre is it's a small small world.) as we were talking being the theatre nerds we are the subject turned to roles we've played, 'should' have gotten, wished we had gotten, shows we had so much fun on we would do them again in a heartbeat, etc. During the course of this conversation an acquaintance of mine made a comment about a theatre I've worked with with no problems. Upon hearing it I had to LITERALLY keep myself from dropping my jaw at:

"I've done eleven shows for them. ELEVEN. It's about time they stop casting me in ensemble and supporting roles and start casting me as leads."

Even reading it now I'm enraged at the arrogance and entitlement this person had. But then I have to stop myself because I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing. Maybe not in the same way, but it's still there.

How many times have I resented co-workers when their efforts have been recognized over my own?

How many times have I felt that I've paid my dues and it's my turn to have the limelight, promotion, raise, praise, whatever only to have someone else tell me that's not the case?

After all this how many times have I actually ADMITTED that I wasn't good enough to beat out someone who was BETTER?  Not nearly as many as I've placed the blame on others, that's for sure.

Although I can more than relate to this person's frustration I have to wonder if the real reason we don't get what we want is because (with few exception) we aren't WORKING as hard as we THINK we are, but rather we feel it is merely OWED to us because we tried and keep trying?

Call backs are tomorrow. I'm up against some serious talent, so right now I'm feeling I don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Hopefully I'll do enough to wow the Director and earn my first leading role...stay tuned.