bitter

Why is it that the most ridiculous things are the hardest to let go?



At the beginning of the summer I had an experience that resulted in me having a chip on my shoulder the size of a CRATER and everyone around me being miserable for the next 10 weeks. (I’m sure most of you know what I’m referring to so for the sake of everyone’s sanity I won’t get into it here.)

Last night I ran into the person I “blamed” for my boulder, although it TECHNICALLY isn’t their fault things went down the way they did and had it not happened I would have adored them during those 10 weeks; it was just easier to place the blame and resentment on them. Last night I found myself back in the bad place I let myself slip into all those weeks ago and it was in the middle of yet ANOTHER bitter, dead-horse beating diatribe that I realized I am not very good at letting things go—at least not the stupid stuff.

Why is it so hard to let stupid grudges go? I fully recognize it is ridiculous, childish, moot, and a complete waste of time; yet I find myself rehashing it again and again. I know it makes the people I’m around cringe when I bring it up but I can’t seem to put a cork in it. Am I the only one who has this problem or do I only think I am? And does anyone have any suggestions for me to just LET IT GO and MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

Because this is REALLY getting old.

blonde moment

So have you ever tried out for a show, completely SUCKED ROCKS, had the director ask you if you're available on Thursday, you say yes, but it doesn't click that you're being invited to a call back that evening because it was SO TERRIBLE? You then think because your audition was so horrible you assume they're just being diplomatic when they ask for your availability Thursday night but you don't plan on getting a phone call to be invited back for call backs? You also aren't the LEAST bit surprised when the phone call you weren't expecting doesn't come?

Then on Thursday night while out with friends you get a message from one of the producers (and a friend in your current show) saying that they missed you at call backs and because of your absence wanted to know if you were in fact still interested in doing the show or if you had since changed your mind?

Then gave both him and the director fits of laughter when you called them back and told them not only were you hoping to still be involved but since you sucked it up so bad you didn't think you were invited to call-backs and didn't get the memo you WERE in fact invited back?

yeah I so did that last night.

3-oh

So yesterday I turned...THIRTY. The big 3-0. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't freak out a little bit…ok A LOT. For me I have never dreaded getting older. I have never lied about my age-nor do I plan to, and I know that for the most part I have aged well because when I tell people how old I am I’m greeted with looks of disbelief because apparently I only look 25. For me it’s the milestones that I haven’t yet reached that make me cringe at turning 30.

Now I have always known that I was NEVER going to be the 19-year old Bride and the 22-year old mother of two with one on the way (no hate for those who were these things-it just wasn’t for me). I HAD hoped to be married and starting a family in my mid-to late twenties, and be finished having kids by the time I turned 32, but yeah THAT’S not happening. Those are the things I have a problem with. The mile stones that society, religion, family, or in most cases, self-imposed. So rather than sit and stew about being thirty I'm trying to love the fact that although I'm not where I WANT to be I'm where I NEED to be. So in honor of that here are thirty reasons it's great (or will be great) to be thirty:



1. There's a certain irresponsible stigma attached to twenty-somethings. I call it "the Real World Syndrome". This no longer applies to me.

2. Thanks to extensive viewing of 'What Not to Wear' my fashion sense has improved IMMENSELY.

3. I don't care now as much as I did at 20 what people think of me.

4. As a result of #3 I feel more comfortable in my skin.

5. I have my own 'big girl' place.

6. Although I'm 30 apparently I still only look 25...

7. I can say that I feel old without getting the looks I did before. (although they're still there.)

8. I can have twenty-something fun on a thirty-something budget.

9. It's not half bad being the cool favorite aunt.

10. I love being able to babysit my friend's kiddoes and not have to worry about my own.

11. My time is still my own.

12. wow, this is harder than I thought...

13. No more student loan/car/debt in general!

14. I WILL be getting married and starting a family in the next 1-5 years. (no this is NOT an announcement.)

15. I can be a 'responsible adult' and still act like a kid...

16. I'm left alone to make my own decisions without a lot of "I'm older and wiser, and I've been there so listen to me" bs.

17. I can now give the "older and wiser I've been there listen to me" shpiel.

18. It's the best of both worlds-I'm mature enough to be taken seriously, but I still have the energy to do the things I want.

Ok...another perk of being 30 is not having to finish lame self-imposed lists. :)
Happy birthday to me!

patience

So as most of you know, I'm doing Damn Yankees at the Empress- you all need to come see it.

I have been fortunate to work with a talented director and choreographer, a wonderful tech crew, and a fabulous cast that I have become quite fond of--with one exception.

Now before you judge me, let me say this. I TRIED to like this person-I didn’t think they were half bad and possibly even interesting when I first met them. That was until we got down to the nitty gritty of rehearsing. Then The Mr. Hyde to their Dr. Jekyll was revealed.

This person always knew a “better” way for whatever they were being asked to do-blocking, lines, music, choreography, you name it, they fought it. They were incessantly complaining about everything-having to WORK while at rehearsal, having to learn choreography, or staying a few late nights to work things that needed polish. They have been rude to several of my mates for what seemed to be no reason other than to cause contention. They don't know how to keep quiet and unnecessary comments to themself. I'm pretty sure they just like the sound of their own voice. Needless to say this person is just downright unprofessional and really hard to get along with. After they approached me and asked why they were turning so many people off to them and I told them as nicely as I could things got a LITTLE better, but for me the damage had already been done. I don’t like them, and honestly find them a little—no, a lot abrasive. But I always try to be professional, so I just put on my fake mommy smile and wing it.

Well at some point last week this person took to calling me “hon”, as well as doing some other things (nothing inappropriate-just things that make me uncomfortable personally so I will refrain from posting here) that I don’t appreciate. I have attempted to be nice to this person but we are in no way shape or form friends. I am merely someone they came to looking for answers, and I gave them. Fast forward to Saturday night in the green room, and I was venting to a few cast mates about this when I was informed of some particular struggles this person has had to endure that is possibly part of the reason they are the way they are. CRAP. Immediately the guilt set in, because although I did not know this about them I haven’t been as patient or Christ-like as I should have been with them. Of course I have had Marjorie Pay Hinckley’s words running through my head since then: ‘Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’ I know I should be patient with this person, even more so knowing what I know about them now, but how do I do it when they are just so ABRASIVE and such a Debbie Downer? Am I a bad person for being frustrated with them before I knew more about their background?