"sage" advice

DISCLAIMER: This is a rant. A long one. If you don’t want to read on, close the page now. You’ve been warned.

It used to be single ladies only had to worry about the little old ladies giving them unsolicited love advice. I don’t know when that changed, but just…wow.

Although I’m used to getting it, this year has been chock-full of “sage advice”. Everyone and their dog feels it’s their obligation-nay right-to tell me how I should live my life-particularly where my love life is concerned. I should also mention these are all people who are married-some who even came from a similar situation as mine. Although I love them I find it very condescending and it infuriates me how quick they are to forget how OBNOXIOUS and unwanted this “help” really is. These are the following comments I’ve received-usually after I’m solicited to tell them how things are with Mr. Wonderful. We have been together for three years, are crazy in love with each other, talk about marriage and having a family all the time, but because of certain things there isn’t a proposal in the near future. These comments have been even more out of line this week since I didn’t receive a diamond to don for Christmas.

-HOW long have you been dating again? (I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was required to be engaged two days after we met.)

-Well tell him to get off his lazy ass otherwise you’ll leave him! (Oh, yeah, because insults make people just WANT to do your bidding.)

-You deserve so much better. (Really? I have a good, honest, caring, thoughtful, wonderful man who has made me his whole world. Just because he’s not ready to make a HUGE commitment I instantly deserve something better?)

-I’m saying this out of love, but WHY are you still with him? (Um, because we love each other, he’s worth the wait, and you don’t know the whole story-only what I have volunteered to you, and if you REALLY loved me you would be happy that I'm happy and quit focusing on what I don't have-yet.)

-Why don’t you just propose to him? (Oh yes, that’s so romantic. As pro-girl I am there are some things women should never do. This is one of them-another post for another day.)

-Give him an ultimatum. (Because I WANT him to feel forced, manipulated, and resentful towards me.)

-Tell him you want to start dating other people and make him jealous. (Again since when is manipulating ANYONE to get what you want a good thing?)

-You’re SO PRETTY (pretty sure they were lying on that one.) how are you NOT married? (Apparently all you need to be is pretty to get married.)

-Why do you keep doing this to yourself? (Referring to the fact I waited for four years for a ring from fiancée #1.)-I didn’t know falling in love was ‘doing’ anything?

Then of course you throw in the occasional person who makes it their business to bash Mr. Wonderful and fiancée #1 for taking their time and not hastily jumping into anything. (Yeah THAT’LL win you my affection-talk bad about my friend and the man I love.)

UGH. Enough is enough people! It’s one thing if I’m constantly complaining about the plight my decisions have put me in, but I NEVER bring it up! Why do people think these are things I want and need to be hearing? I don’t. All it does is make me mad. Unless you know the WHOLE story (and there are only two people who do), keep your mouth shut.  You’re not being supportive, you’re not being helpful, and you are only making me feel worse.

In my life I have been blessed with two incredible men. Two men who despite my many faults, flaws, and excess baggage love(d) me. Two men who I love(d) with all my heart. Two men who had their own reasons for taking their time in proposing. Although I don't always like it and it's not easy to feel 'left behind' I understand and respect their reasons. Two men who have always been honest with me so I know this is the bed I have chosen to lie in therefore as hard as it is I am choosing to be patient. Two men who I will always love, albeit in different ways and will NEVER stand for them being bashed, degraded, or thought less of for their actions. Two men who treat(ed) me like gold, tell (told) me all the time how wonderful I am, have never raised a hand to me, set out to hurt me, or made me feel less than anything worthwhile are suddenly public enemy number one because they have taken their time to make a monumentally life changing decision for BOTH of us. I don’t get it.

Although I love you all, I’m a big girl. My decisions are my own. You are not me or him, therefore you don’t know nor will you EVER know the entire story. I will stick around until the Lord tells me otherwise. You need to keep your comments to yourself and trust me to trust what Mr. Wonderful and I have decided to do. All things that are the most worthwhile are the hardest to achieve. The Lord approves of my decision, so I don’t care if you do.

Have you ever received unsolicited advice about something? How did you handle it?

wordless wednesday

death of the pen pals

Growing up I had a fixation with correspondence. I LOVED writing letters-almost as much as I loved getting my own mail. I wrote letters to my Grandma Fox in St. George as well as my childhood friend Kristi when she and her family moved back to California after third grade. I dreamed of my mother letting me join one of those pen-pal clubs and having a pen pal from someplace exotic-like Ohio.

I had a massive collection of stationary-fancy, casual, cartoony, hand-made, you name it; I probably had it. Half the fun for me was choosing what paper I was going to write my letter on and what stickers or drawings I was going to use on the envelope. If you stop and think about it the whole process of letter writing is just so personal.

Looking back I'm realizing just how much letter writing helped to form who I am now. In Junior High I had a Young Women’s leader I simply adored. When she and her family moved to Arizona we kept in touch for a bit. She helped me through a few struggles teenage girls are prone to. My good friend Laura and I used it to keep in touch after Junior High although we were in the same stake and lived maybe two miles apart. We wrote each other a few times a week all through our Sophomore and into our Junior years and kept each other informed of the goings on at our respective High Schools. Nothing made my day the way opening my mailbox after school and seeing a letter addressed to “Twisten” from “Wa-wa” (long, yet funny story why we gave each other those names.) Sadly, the end of High School became busy with new friends and new interests-choir and drama for me; Journalism, yearbook, and band for her-and we let the habit die. After High School I kept up with a few missionaries and friends in the military; but again I allowed life to get in the way and stopped writing.

I came across Laura's blog today, and I got to thinking about old times and missing writing letters. In an age of texts, Facebook, blogs, and email, who REALLY writes letters anymore? As convenient as modern technology is, it has allowed us to become so impersonal. I miss the days of opening my mailbox and being greeted with real mail, not junk and bills. I also wish that I had ignored all the anti-clutter talk of the new millenium and kept those old letters. Writing my blog has helped but it's just not the same.

Maybe I need to pick up letter writing again.

What is something that you used to do but don’t anymore because of lack of time, technology, or just letting the habit die?

wordless wednesday

does this make me look fat?

I was going to use this as yesterday's wordless wednesday, but it requires explanation.
This is a picture of peanut brittle, homemade salsa (we ate it ALL) and chips, jam, Cheesecake Factory Godiva Cheesecake, and not one but TWO packages of caramel and chocolate dipped pretzel sticks.
These were all obtained in a four-hour time frame from vendors, customers, and brokers yesterday while I was at work.
Farewell to the 10 lbs I lost during "Bye Bye Birdie". My boss thinks it's funny to joke that he pays us by the pound. He'll see how funny it ISN'T when I hand him the bill. >;D
Anyone want to be my gym buddy?

wordless wednesday

i can't be passive. i'm too passionate

Impassioned. Spirited. Fiery. Intense. Audacious.


Bold. Gritty. Gutsy. Hot. High-Spirited. Direct.


Straightforward. Uncomplicated. Rational.


Strong Willed.

To be honest I am always surprised when I look these words up and don’t see my picture next to them. They embody me. Almost to a “T”. Granted I am so much more than these few words, but they all play a HUGE part in defining who I am. For most, you either love me or hate me because of these traits. Most people who love me love the fact that I will call it like I see it. The same is for the people who hate me. If you want a straightforward answer, you come to me.

Because of these traits I am kinda scary when it comes to people I love. I get so invested in the situation their pain becomes mine and I want to do anything I can to stop it-to the point of becoming overbearing and pushy-because I know best, after all. Even when I become this way it always comes from a place of love NOT bossiness. I just can't stand to watch people I love make stupid decisions that cause them pain.

I have a friend. I couldn’t love them more if they were my own flesh and blood. We have been through thick and thin, the trials of adolescence, the ‘figuring out who we are’ young adult stage, and growing into adulthood together. I am the Cee Cee Bloom to her Hilary Whitney. No matter what we have always and will always have each other’s back.

This person is experiencing some struggles. Although I understand why they continue to allow the hurt they are experiencing I also feel they are being somewhat of a glutton. They know the stove is hot, yet they repeatedly put their hand in the fire to be burned, and become upset when the effect is always the same. This person has asked for my support, and because of my passion-both for the people I love and in general-I don’t know how to give it without becoming involved to the point it affects my well-being. Not knowing what else to do I removed myself from that particular situation because honestly my passion and inability to see shades of grey wasn’t helping matters any. This has been viewed as a betrayal and me making it about me-not them.

Last night was another discussion with Mr. Wonderful regarding this issue and he suggested taking the passive, politician approach meaning I reiterate the advice that has already been given, tell them my position on the matter has not changed, and I will help where I can once they decide to take a different approach. This is such a foreign idea to me. I don’t know how to be passive. To be honest I don’t know if I CAN. I have never been passive a day in my life and this new approach is just foreign to me. I want to be there for this person but I can’t continue to watch them cause themselves pain.

Has my removing myself from the situation made it more about me and less about them? How do you “passively support” someone?

down with the sickness

So I have been sick. For a LONG TIME. Two weeks to be specific. I'm usually a pretty healthy person and I get sick MAYBE once a year, so the fact I've already been sick twice in as many months is a new (and obnoxious) trend. I'm pretty sure I can attribute this development to the petri dish otherwise known as community theater...Merry Christmas to me!


Normally I just wait it out but my patience is running VERY thin this time. After a week of my cough not letting up I went to the Dr. It turned out to be...drum roll please...BRONCHITIS. I've never had anything more serious than a cold and I've got bronchitis? (Turns out I may be genetically predispositioned since my dad gets it all the time...ugh) Normally it wouldn't be such a big deal except I have a cough from hell that has rendered me songless.
I never realized how much I needed singing in my life until I couldn't do it anymore. I have been quite the grouch as of late because I have no outlet. Everything I have tried helps, but it just isn't the same. I am now on day 16 of no song. The cough is letting up, and it can't come any faster. Aside from having no outlet I'm tired of being treated like the social leper-especially since the inversion has only made things worse. People don't care that you're under a doctor's care, on a monster dose of antibiotics, Codeine cough syrup, a daytime cough prescription, and exercising proper hygeine. All they see is you're contaminated, STAY HOME!! As much as I would like to, that's pretty much impossible.
Here's hoping the inversion and my cough clear out post haste. This sucks.

What's your outlet and how would you manage if it was abruptly taken away from you?

recognition

Anyone who’s been there will agree with me when I say this. Customer Service is HARD. As much as I love my job, this week has been particularly trying and it’s started to wear on me. Today instead of another low I got to experience one of the highs you can only get in Customer Service. Today my co-workers and I received the Heart of Nicco Award for the 4th Quarter.
This is cool-for a few reasons.
One: Andrea and I have only been a team here for five months. That’s right. FIVE.
Two: It’s based entirely on peer nomination and selection.
Three: We were brought in to clean up a mess. The expectations were VERY high, and this shows we have delivered.

Aside from those reasons I’m just so ecstatic because I’m not used to this. I have never worked for a company that recognizes good things like Nicholas. I’m used to having all my hard work go unnoticed while my short comings and failures were magnified and nit-picked. It’s weird to not dread coming to work every day. Aside from the occasional hard day or two I really do love my job. It’s cool.

The bottom line is this: it’s nice to be recognized for a job well done-from the Executive level all the way to my peers.

Figures I looked like crap today-in front of the whole company.

christmas trees and leg lamps

Last week I bought my Christmas tree—before you judge me for doing it so far in advance--I’ve gotta tell you it’s fake, it will NOT be put up until after Thanksgiving, this being my first Christmas in my new place I needed one, AND it was originally $200 but I got it for $50, so there.
Because it will be going up in a little over a week I haven’t bothered to make room for it in my storage space. Instead I have opted to leave the box where it will be put up to get me used to the idea. Last night Mr. Wonderful and I were watching our new favorite show when I saw the glimmer in his eye. Those of you who have seen “A Christmas Story” know the glimmer I am referring to. Those who don’t it’s the glimmer the old man gets in his eye about a week before Christmas thinking about the turkey he would soon be partaking. This man loves Christmas more than he loves me I’m sure. He’s the type who starts listening to Christmas music November 1, would keep the lights up year round if he could, looks for any reason to celebrate Christmas early, and calls me a Grinch because I believe there’s a time and place for Christmas. Because of this I had been waiting for him to make up a reason for me to put my tree up a whole week and a half early. I braced myself for the inevitable.

He then looked at me and sweetly said, “We should take that out of the box so we can see what it looks like.” Being as I know my sweetheart all too well I saw right through his tactic and replied: “once it comes out of the box it’s staying out until January 2.” Upon hearing this he got a twinkle in his eye and a sneaky grin on his face. In my attempt to dissuade him I had clearly given him the answer he was looking for. Once I saw the glimmer and his advance toward the box-the man is worse than my little brother was with presents growing up, I quickly added; “and if the tree comes out my leg lamp is right behind it.” You heard me right. A leg lamp. Cue the Hallelujah Chorus and heavenly beams.
That stopped him cold. Mr. Wonderful hates my little beauty almost as much as he hates the movie from which it originated. (Blasphemy-I KNOW!) He has had fantasies of having “accidents” with it since he learned of its existence-luckily for me it was a hand made gift from my parents and is protected from such a fate by sentimental value. During the course of our relationship many an argument has been had regarding this beauty-if we get married it will just get worse, I'm sure. He seems to think it’s an eyesore and has no place in the front window next to the tree. I say that’s what makes it funny-the fact it’s in the front room window next to the tree. Like Mom and The Old Man, we’re very much divided on what’s appropriate Christmas décor in the Newman-Fox households.

What say ye?

halloween, symphony, and zombies, oh my!

Of course what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t update you on the weekend’s festivities? Friday was the traditional “dress up for work” day. My co-worker Andrea and I decided to go as Mario and Luigi. We didn’t have a costume contest, but I’m pretty sure we would have won if there had been one:

Along with the costumes each department entered a“haunted” gingerbread house into the competition. Although ours looked great on paper, it didn’t turn out so great in reality. I learned that Royal Icing is NOT a medium I prefer or excel in:

Scott and I were given tickets to the symphony on Saturday night, so rather than spend it waiting for the non-existent trick-or-treaters (P.S- I had THREE) we spent the evening with Haydn's Symphony No. 1, Argentine pianist Ingrid Fliter playing Beethoven's First Piano Concerto, and Shostakovich's Symphony No. 6. Although it was enjoyable we learned we are NOT Symphony goers. Our favorite piece of the evening was definitely Shostakovich's Symphony No. 6. Throw in the spectacle of parking in Downtown Salt Lake and the Freak Show that was Halloween made for a pretty interesting evening.

Our Halloween weekend wrapped up with Scott coercing me into watching ‘Walking Dead’ on AMC. It's definitely an adult show, not everyone's cup o'tea, and should be viewed with discrection. It's based on the graphic novel of the same name, and I’m not going to lie; it was good. So good it’s probably a series I’ll watch from now on. I love that it's not full of the cheap scream tricks most horror movies rely on now, in large part because it’s on basic cable so they actually have to write a smart script that isn't reliant on blood, guts, gore, and nudity to cause fear or tell the story. Most of you know how I feel about horror movies so you probably also know I’m LOVING the fact that I can watch this and not be completely disgusted. I wasn't even creeped out-well until it was time for bed, anyway. I totally had zombie dreams.

Aside from the pros there were a few HUGE cons for me, and they are problems I have with all zombie shows/movies:

1. There's always someone who misses the zombie apocalypse--how do you MISS the zombie apocalypse, let alone SLEEP through it ala our hero in 'Walking Dead', Rick? I would like to think I would NOTICE when my dearly departed started eating my brains.

2. There's always someone who is a late comer to the game-usually the one who SLEPT through everything-and they act as if they don’t know what a zombie is when they start playing said game. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW!? If I woke up to nothingness, saw a door chained shut that read “DO NOT OPEN DEAD INSIDE”, and something was trying to get through those doors; wouldn’t you put two and two together? I sure would. I would be looking for a weapon-blunt object, knife, gun-ANYTHING that I could kill zombies with. ESPECIALLY when I see half of a zombie trying to pull it self towards me when I come across it heading home.

3. Why do they always head to the large, populated cities (here it's Atlanta) under the guise that there is some sort of Mecca waiting there for them? Wouldn't logic lead one to believe that you are safest where there WEREN'T large concentrations of people? Because my logic leads me to believe that NATURALLY those people have most likely become what you're trying to avoid.

I would love nothing more than to see a smart protagonist in a zombie movie-to see the signs, immediately put two and two together, commence being a bad-ass, instead of playing the clueless, confused, and bumbling characters this genre is full of. The moral of the story is this: I will live through the zombie apocalypse-will you?

mr holland

When I was 15 I saw “Mr. Holland’s Opus”. I was moved by the love and dedication he had and hoped that one day I would be able to have a teacher touch my life the way Mr. Holland touched the lives of so many. Little did I know my wish was going to come true.

Later that year I started my Sophomore year at Cottonwood and I was introduced to Mr. Frohm. Mr Frohm taught band and orchestra and I was lucky enough to have him as my teacher.

Although I had been “playing” the flute since I was 11 I was no prodigy. Frankly I was horrible. But rather than belittle me and make me feel completely inept like his successor would do Mr. Frohm encouraged me to always keep playing-and he didn’t hesitate to show his disappointment that I didn’t continue playing the following year when I saw him at the Holiday Concert as a member of the choir rather than playing in the band. He stressed that loving music and having FUN playing music was far more important than being perfect. He had an uncanny resemblance to Richard Dreyfuss and because of this he was affectionately known to most of us as “Mr. Holland”.

I have many fond memories of Pep Band, Concert Band, and numerous classes. Memories filled with his infectious laugh, the good-natured joke at many a drum player’s expense, and mostly the love of music he gave to everyone.

Unfortunately for me Mr. Frohm took a promotion with the Granite School District at the end of my Sophomore year so I was only able have him as a teacher for one year. When I look back at my High School career, the one year I had in his class is still what stands out to me most.

In 2008 I ran into him at a production of “South Pacific” where he was Conducting the orchestra. I am so grateful I took the opportunity to go say hello and tell him “thank you”. Had I known it would be the last time I would speak with him I probably would have been more eloquent.

Sadly last week Mr. Frohm lost his battle with cancer and returned home to our Heavenly Father. As sad as this makes me-both for the loss of a great man, but also the pain his family is experiencing right now, I know he’s up there, playing his trumpet and cracking jokes. "Mr. Holland's Opus" is still my favorite movie to this day-I'm sure that's in large part to my being able to say I had my own Mr. Holland.

I love you Mr. Frohm and you will be missed by many. Maybe I’ll pull out my flute tonight and play him a song or two. :)

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/deseretnews/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=146169163

fickle phone

(yes i know this is all in lowercase; my shift button is retarded today and i was sick of going back and trying to fix every other word.)

dear at&t:

it was a clear December day back in 2000 when you and i met. i was given the gift of mobility. i had a cute red nokia phone. you introduced me to the world of text. we went everywhere together, and i loved you.

after about three years of bliss you became cingular and the relationship got even better. more coverage! no roaming! ROLLOVER MINUTES! i was in love. you could do no wrong. until about 18 months ago and you stopped being cingular and started going by at&t again. dropped calls. dicey call areas. no access to 3g-the nation's largest internet carrier. i got an iphone thinking things would be better. they got worse.

dear at&t. we are now at a crossroads. clean up your act and return to the stellar service we once shared or i'm out. i don't spend $100 of my hard earned money every month for service that only works when it wants to.

much love,
kristen.

bitter

Why is it that the most ridiculous things are the hardest to let go?



At the beginning of the summer I had an experience that resulted in me having a chip on my shoulder the size of a CRATER and everyone around me being miserable for the next 10 weeks. (I’m sure most of you know what I’m referring to so for the sake of everyone’s sanity I won’t get into it here.)

Last night I ran into the person I “blamed” for my boulder, although it TECHNICALLY isn’t their fault things went down the way they did and had it not happened I would have adored them during those 10 weeks; it was just easier to place the blame and resentment on them. Last night I found myself back in the bad place I let myself slip into all those weeks ago and it was in the middle of yet ANOTHER bitter, dead-horse beating diatribe that I realized I am not very good at letting things go—at least not the stupid stuff.

Why is it so hard to let stupid grudges go? I fully recognize it is ridiculous, childish, moot, and a complete waste of time; yet I find myself rehashing it again and again. I know it makes the people I’m around cringe when I bring it up but I can’t seem to put a cork in it. Am I the only one who has this problem or do I only think I am? And does anyone have any suggestions for me to just LET IT GO and MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

Because this is REALLY getting old.

blonde moment

So have you ever tried out for a show, completely SUCKED ROCKS, had the director ask you if you're available on Thursday, you say yes, but it doesn't click that you're being invited to a call back that evening because it was SO TERRIBLE? You then think because your audition was so horrible you assume they're just being diplomatic when they ask for your availability Thursday night but you don't plan on getting a phone call to be invited back for call backs? You also aren't the LEAST bit surprised when the phone call you weren't expecting doesn't come?

Then on Thursday night while out with friends you get a message from one of the producers (and a friend in your current show) saying that they missed you at call backs and because of your absence wanted to know if you were in fact still interested in doing the show or if you had since changed your mind?

Then gave both him and the director fits of laughter when you called them back and told them not only were you hoping to still be involved but since you sucked it up so bad you didn't think you were invited to call-backs and didn't get the memo you WERE in fact invited back?

yeah I so did that last night.

3-oh

So yesterday I turned...THIRTY. The big 3-0. I would be lying if I told you that I didn't freak out a little bit…ok A LOT. For me I have never dreaded getting older. I have never lied about my age-nor do I plan to, and I know that for the most part I have aged well because when I tell people how old I am I’m greeted with looks of disbelief because apparently I only look 25. For me it’s the milestones that I haven’t yet reached that make me cringe at turning 30.

Now I have always known that I was NEVER going to be the 19-year old Bride and the 22-year old mother of two with one on the way (no hate for those who were these things-it just wasn’t for me). I HAD hoped to be married and starting a family in my mid-to late twenties, and be finished having kids by the time I turned 32, but yeah THAT’S not happening. Those are the things I have a problem with. The mile stones that society, religion, family, or in most cases, self-imposed. So rather than sit and stew about being thirty I'm trying to love the fact that although I'm not where I WANT to be I'm where I NEED to be. So in honor of that here are thirty reasons it's great (or will be great) to be thirty:



1. There's a certain irresponsible stigma attached to twenty-somethings. I call it "the Real World Syndrome". This no longer applies to me.

2. Thanks to extensive viewing of 'What Not to Wear' my fashion sense has improved IMMENSELY.

3. I don't care now as much as I did at 20 what people think of me.

4. As a result of #3 I feel more comfortable in my skin.

5. I have my own 'big girl' place.

6. Although I'm 30 apparently I still only look 25...

7. I can say that I feel old without getting the looks I did before. (although they're still there.)

8. I can have twenty-something fun on a thirty-something budget.

9. It's not half bad being the cool favorite aunt.

10. I love being able to babysit my friend's kiddoes and not have to worry about my own.

11. My time is still my own.

12. wow, this is harder than I thought...

13. No more student loan/car/debt in general!

14. I WILL be getting married and starting a family in the next 1-5 years. (no this is NOT an announcement.)

15. I can be a 'responsible adult' and still act like a kid...

16. I'm left alone to make my own decisions without a lot of "I'm older and wiser, and I've been there so listen to me" bs.

17. I can now give the "older and wiser I've been there listen to me" shpiel.

18. It's the best of both worlds-I'm mature enough to be taken seriously, but I still have the energy to do the things I want.

Ok...another perk of being 30 is not having to finish lame self-imposed lists. :)
Happy birthday to me!

patience

So as most of you know, I'm doing Damn Yankees at the Empress- you all need to come see it.

I have been fortunate to work with a talented director and choreographer, a wonderful tech crew, and a fabulous cast that I have become quite fond of--with one exception.

Now before you judge me, let me say this. I TRIED to like this person-I didn’t think they were half bad and possibly even interesting when I first met them. That was until we got down to the nitty gritty of rehearsing. Then The Mr. Hyde to their Dr. Jekyll was revealed.

This person always knew a “better” way for whatever they were being asked to do-blocking, lines, music, choreography, you name it, they fought it. They were incessantly complaining about everything-having to WORK while at rehearsal, having to learn choreography, or staying a few late nights to work things that needed polish. They have been rude to several of my mates for what seemed to be no reason other than to cause contention. They don't know how to keep quiet and unnecessary comments to themself. I'm pretty sure they just like the sound of their own voice. Needless to say this person is just downright unprofessional and really hard to get along with. After they approached me and asked why they were turning so many people off to them and I told them as nicely as I could things got a LITTLE better, but for me the damage had already been done. I don’t like them, and honestly find them a little—no, a lot abrasive. But I always try to be professional, so I just put on my fake mommy smile and wing it.

Well at some point last week this person took to calling me “hon”, as well as doing some other things (nothing inappropriate-just things that make me uncomfortable personally so I will refrain from posting here) that I don’t appreciate. I have attempted to be nice to this person but we are in no way shape or form friends. I am merely someone they came to looking for answers, and I gave them. Fast forward to Saturday night in the green room, and I was venting to a few cast mates about this when I was informed of some particular struggles this person has had to endure that is possibly part of the reason they are the way they are. CRAP. Immediately the guilt set in, because although I did not know this about them I haven’t been as patient or Christ-like as I should have been with them. Of course I have had Marjorie Pay Hinckley’s words running through my head since then: ‘Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.’ I know I should be patient with this person, even more so knowing what I know about them now, but how do I do it when they are just so ABRASIVE and such a Debbie Downer? Am I a bad person for being frustrated with them before I knew more about their background?

ch-ch-ch-changes

Someone once said that the only thing consistent in life is change. Over the last few months this statement has resonated with me even more. 2010 has just been a year of change for me!!

Well after three-plus months of looking I found a new job! FINALLY-and just in the nick of time as I was informed after I gave my notice my job was going to be phased out at the end of June. (Talk about cutting it close.)

I am now a will call coordinator for Nicholas and Co. Who are they you ask? (Don't worry, I get this question a lot actually.) They are the largest food service distributor in the West. Still don't know who they are? Oh come on. I know you've seen this little guy around town and (hopefully) in your favorite restaurant:

I am now a will-call coordinator. In a nut shell I'm the person you come see when you forget cases on your order, your order isn't big enough to get on a truck, or just because I'm just that cool. I LOVE the company and the people I work with. It's night and day compared to the circle of hell I was in before.

Then when I thought I was done with change I went and made a seemingly rash but actually well-thought out decision. I also said bye-bye to Joe's. The money has been garbage for a while and thanks to the morons at BP it's a matter of time before seafood costs are even more ridiculous, thus making it even harder for people to eat out than it already is, but most importantly I miss having a life that isn't 90% work. So I'm just a one job girl for the next little while, and we'll see how that goes. Although I don't need the extra money and I make enough at Nicholas to live I'm USED to having cash all the time, and so far that is proving to be the hardest pill to swallow of the whole thing.
Also the oddest yet happiest thing of the summer was my little Jenny getting married-now for those of you who don't know (and seriously, WHERE have you been?), long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away I had a fiancee' named Chris and he has a little sister named Jenny. Now back in June 2000 when I met Jenny she was an adorable 12-year old girl. Because it was just her and Chris she allowed me to play "big sister" to her and we became incredibly close. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control we aren't as close as we once were but she will always be my sister and I'm SO HAPPY she found her eternal companion in Zane, but it's so weird to think that my little Jenny is married-I will always see her as my little 12-year old, but she is now a beautiful young woman-you can see for yourself here.
The most important thing that has changed this year is my ATTITUDE. I knew it was bad, but now that I'm no longer in the seventh circle of hell and I'm finished with a particular show that I allowed to give me an ENORMOUS chip on my shoulder Scott never fails to tell me how bad it REALLY was. And that makes me feel bad, but happy. Mostly bad because no one-especially Scott-deserves that-but happy because I can say with a surety he loves me enough to stick through everything with me-the good AND the bad.

is it ever ok to settle?

Ok…just to warn you all-this may be a little bit of a downer. I’ll try to keep it upbeat, but considering the topic I’m not sure how upbeat I can make it.

Growing up all I ever heard from everyone was “don’t settle”. Don’t settle on a job that doesn’t make you happy, a lifestyle you don’t want, or a spouse who isn’t everything you envisioned.

Now that I’m older, I understand more how important it is to NOT settle, but is it ever ok? Don’t we all have things we imagined would turn out differently than they did? Although we’re happy we wonder if had we held out for the better school, the better job, or heaven forbid-the better spouse how much happier we would be? Or do we just grow up and realize life isn’t perfect and sometimes you take what you get?

As most of you know I’m in danger of being another workforce fatality-thanks again economy-and so I’ve been proactively looking for a new job. The longer my hunt drags on the more I’ve found myself thinking, “Well I guess I could take a $2.00 an hour pay cut. I know I’m already underpaid at my current job, but I really need a new one, so I’ll make the best of it.” Or: “I don’t feel too great about this line of work or the people I would be working with, but I guess it can be something I can learn to like.” Notice I said ‘like’ and not ‘love’. Does that worry you as much as that worries me? The fact that we-especially me-let ourselves make decisions out of fear, complacency, or our own feelings of inadequacy kinda scares me. Wait. Not kinda. It REALLY scares me. Even before all of this happened I have been unhappy in my work, but the thought of looking, selling myself to another company, and then starting over-at the bottom of a new totem pole-kept me where I was. Again I was settling.

It’s not just work where I’m seeing it. I dabble in the theatre arts, and although I know I will be rejected more often than not and that it’s not personal I still take it personally. Last night I found myself questioning whether or not to just settle for the ensemble roles because obviously these directors aren’t seeing in me what I see in me so maybe I should just quit putting myself out there to keep being rejected. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing it, or how thick you think your skin is, or how marvelously talented you KNOW you are, rejection still stings. Every time-JUST as much as the first time. I could settle and just go for the ensemble roles. I would be rejected a lot less, but I would be on stage knowing full well that that’s not where I should be. I am a leading lady. I know it, but I’m not getting the reinforcement so now I'm feeling it less and less.

When I was a teenager I had everything all planned out. I was going start dating right at sixteen, and I would never want for a boy to go out with me. It was going to be perfect. Then when I was older-you know, 22 or 23, I was going to meet and marry the perfect man. He would be swashbuckling and do whatever was necessary to make me happy-because my happiness would be all that mattered. We would have the perfect courtship, we would never fight; he would be my Prince Charming. We would have the perfect engagement, the perfect wedding, and after a couple of perfect years of marriage we would finally have our perfect children. Everything would be perfect and I would have my own Hollywood Fairytale ending. Then real life happened. Dating is HARD. I stayed home many a weekend and missed out on many a dance because I wasn't asked. I also went out with boys I didn't want to date because they asked me first and I couldn't be mean. Then I entered my twenties and learned personalities clash. Men are afraid of commitment, no matter how much they love you. My happiness isn't the only thing that matters. I turned 26 and STILL wasn’t married. Then I was 27, 28, 29, and still nothing. I’m now staring down the barrel of my 30^th birthday and I still don’t have it together. My life now is NOTHING how my sixteen year old self would have told you it would be. There have been periods in my dating life where I have said to myself, “This isn’t the happy I wanted, but its ok. At least I’m happy, right?” Although I can honestly say I have no regrets and there are only a few things I would do differently given the chance I still have found myself wondering from time to time “Am I settling? I’m happy, but it’s not the happy I thought I would have at sixteen. Should I try for that happy, or should I be realistic?” Is being ‘realistic’ just another way of settling?

Over all I am content with my life. Not completely satisfied-mostly because I’m still a work in progress, but I’m not completely discontent either. There are areas I could improve and make better, but I don’t. Whether it’s fear of my own failure, fear of change, I’m not ready, or the fact I just don’t know how to make it better so I let it be. I realize I am the only one who can make myself happy, but is being content and realistic the same thing as settling? Am I growing up and realizing life never turns out the way you planned? Or am I being a silly girl and over thinking things again? Have YOU ever felt like you were settling? And were you ok with it?

Friday Confessions...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again…Friday Confessional. Rather than focus on just one I have a few that have been floating around in my mind as of late.


When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. (Yes I know it's not proper grammar, but I loved it anyway.)

I love living alone. It’s true. The girl who grew up in a big, noisy family, shared a room with her little sister until she was 22, and has never been alone in her life-thus assumed she could never live alone-LOVES HAVING HER OWN SPACE.
I went from this: (artist's rendition-and turn your head sideways because I can't get it to rotate)

To this: (some were taken on moving day-I promise it looks better now)


See? Everything looks better with pictures hung!
It really is great-no roommates to mesh personalities with, I can come and go as I please, veg out on the couch every night, stock my cupboards with nothing but cereal and Girl Scout Cookies (true story), and leave wet towels on the floor, makeup on the bathroom counter, dirty dishes in the sink-whatever I want goes because it’s MINE.

On the flip-side....

I hate living alone, too.
Sometimes it’s depressing to come home to an empty apartment (there is nothing that makes you more aware of your single status then not having anyone to come home to). There are times where the boredom is so intense I sit there, staring at my phone-thinking about who I could call to break up the monotony and tell about my day-just to have SOME sort of human contact. Some other things that have sucked is getting used to the fact my bedroom window faces a busy road (traffic noises at all hours) AND has the fluorescent lights of the parking lot across the street blaring into my room through the blinds at night (hello black out drapes!). Learning the “settling” noises of a new place all alone in the dead of the night has also been NO FUN. Getting used to paying all the expenses alone is a downer too; as is going to the laundromat, learning how to shop/cook for one, and lugging things to and from your car parked light years away. BUT, all that aside I love knowing that-although it’s tiny-all 525 square feet belongs entirely to me. I don’t care who you are. THAT is pretty damn cool.


I am a firm believer a degree is nothing more than an expensive piece of paper.

Before you gasp and judge and berate me with angry posts, let me explain. With few exceptions-doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. There is nothing a school can teach me that I can’t learn with good old on the job experience. This has become even MORE apparent to me now that I am once again looking for work (thank you economy for being totally SUCKTASTIC). I have experience in everything-from food service to HR to Accounts Receivable/Payable to Office Administrating to management—you name it, I’ve probably done it. But NOW employers are requiring a BACHELOR’S degree to even be considered. These are ENTRY LEVEL POSITIONS people. Really? Yep. Apparently now you need to have a SPENT $30,000+ on a piece of paper to be qualified enough to MAKE $30,000 a year-because somehow that paper makes you more qualified than me. You would REALLY rather have the snot-nosed brat, fresh out of college, with just their degree in hand, no experience WHATSOEVER-armed only with what they’ve read about in books-to someone who has BEEN in the "trenches" and experienced it head on? Really? That’s like saying you prefer the surgeon fresh out of Medical School with no surgeries under his belt to the 30-year veteran who has performed so many procedures he can do them in his sleep. Makes NO SENSE TO ME. I don’t want to do heart surgery. I just want to do Office Administration.



Donuts can pretty much cure all ills. So do waffles. Especially when they involve these:


And this face:

It's love.

Thanks to Netflix having all five seasons of “Quantum Leap” in the instant cue I have realized not only how much I still LOVE that show but also that I have an oober crush on Scott Bakula. Creepy? Just a little. Why? Because he’s almost DOUBLE my age, old enough to be my father, and a year younger than my MOTHER, yet I just don’t care. I’m convinced the man is like a fine wine. He only gets better with age. Oh! AND he plays the piano and sings! SINGS! Do you know that a good-looking man who sings, acts, plays the piano, and is STRAIGHT is like the Holy Grail of men? It's true. Don't believe me? Have a look:




Circa “Quantum Leap” *sigh*

Today-“Men of a Certain Age” *WOW!*


Maybe it’s because he KINDA resembles my Scott? Hmm…































You be the judge on this one.

10 things I hate about you...

Ok, not really. I just couldn't come up with a more clever title.

I was tagged through proxy to list ten things that make me happy. Since I have been quite the Debbie Downer as of late it will benefit me I think to list things that make me happy. In an effort to stretch myself I’m going to forgo the “Thanksgiving Table” happies-Gospel, family, friends, and loved ones- as my friend Emmalee called it and list some little known (and not so little known things that make me happy.) So here they are in no particular order:

<!--[if !supportLists]-->1. <!--[endif]-->Most Wonderful Man (MWM): Ok, so he’s my number one, but I promise the rest will be in NPO. It’s funny how when you lose something so wonderful you’re convinced you’ll never find anything that compares to that wonderful again. Then you do. MWM is that wonderful I never thought I would have again. He makes me happy every single day. He is everything I want, could hope for, or need, and he compliments my crazy personality so well. He is my best friend and is always so supportive of everything I do-no matter how hair brained or crazy he thinks it is. He is patient with my moodiness and is always trying to make me happy. Just seeing him smile at my craziness is enough to make any terrible day bearable. I definitely don’t deserve him but I sure am happy he chose me!!

<!--[if !supportLists]-->2. <!--[endif]-->Music: Music is the essence of my being. Just being able to listen to it, make it, feel it is enough to make ANYONE happy. My musicals make me ESPECIALLY happy-because where else can you break into song and not only everyone knows the words, but it has the power to make two people fall in love in a matter of minutes? Now that’s something happy. Being able to know music, appreciate music, and most importantly SING music makes me the happiest girl in the world.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->3. <!--[endif]-->Food: Not only does this have the ability to sustain life, but it brings people together and makes them happy. Even when the food is terrible you can still manage to laugh about it and have a good time. What else can do that? Honestly. The only thing that makes me happier than eating food is making food for the people I love and watching it make them happy in turn. I am so happy that my mother taught us how to cook and not to be afraid trying new things. Because of that I love searching for new recipes, making menus, going shopping, and trying new things. Plus it doesn’t hurt I’m pretty dang good at it if I do say so myself. :)

<!--[if !supportLists]-->4. <!--[endif]-->Being on stage: I have very few regrets, and most of those have stemmed from denying myself new opportunities. Being on stage at every opportunity is one of them. I didn’t discover my love for the spotlight until I was a Senior in High School and 90% of my schedule was filled with music and drama classes. It doesn’t matter if I’m singing in a choir, helping behind the scenes, or acting- I’m usually my happiest on stage. I don’t have big dreams of becoming a star, but what a wonderful outlet! Where else do you have the opportunity to do things you wouldn’t normally do-make out with a complete stranger, strip, or fight over a man (all of which I’ve done, BTW), and not feel the least bit guilty about it? Being on stage is such a great outlet for me, and although it was late in coming I sure am happy I found it.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->5. <!--[endif]-->Choice reality shows: Before you judge me let me say that I HATE the dog eat dog elimination reality shows. I’m into the feel good ones that chronicle more than stalk. I’m such a chick. I LOVE Say Yes to the Dress, Cake Boss, Man vs. Food, Dirty Jobs, Deadliest Catch, Little People, Big World, all the “feel good” reality shows that don’t make you want to throw things at the tv. Except Mary on Cake Boss. She’s a royal bitch, that one.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->6. <!--[endif]-->A car that works: This is a blessing just as much as something that makes me happy. I’ve had a car that wasn’t reliable so now I have one that is I appreciate it that much more. Being able to get where you need to be when you need to be there, and not having to count on anyone else to get you there is enough to make anyone happy. :)

<!--[if !supportLists]-->7. <!--[endif]-->Seattle, WA: It’s funny how a place that I’ve only been twice in my life can make me so happy-especially a place that rains 50 weeks a year. There’s just something about the atmosphere, the community, and the Farmer’s Market that calls to me. It’s enough to make me over look the rain. I love that place.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->8. <!--[endif]-->Disneyland: For those of you who know me well you know that I couldn’t write one of these and NOT include Disneyland! People make fun of me because I have never had the desire to travel abroad. I had the option of taking a Mexican cruise or going to Disneyland. I chose Disneyland. No joke. Aside from when I’m with Most Wonderful Man I’m happiest when I’m here. Many a memory has been made here and I can’t get enough of all the fun little details that are in the park-hidden Mickeys, Club 33, and the attention to detail in general just makes me happy. We want the Redhead! We want the Redhead!

<!--[if !supportLists]-->9. <!--[endif]-->Blog-Stalking: Since I put so much effort into mine and hope that people will read it, I HAVE to do the same for others. I typically only read the blogs of people I know-and let’s be honest-if I happen to stumble across a blog from someone I knew in High School, you BET I’m reading it. If this makes me crazy, oh well. I just love to read various blogs from friends and family. I also love reading the different writing styles that are unique to each author. Keeping in touch with loved ones is certainly enough to make ANYONE happy.

<!--[if !supportLists]-->10. <!--[endif]-->Blogging: Believe it or not I really do enjoy keeping you all posted-plus let’s face it-we’re all a little narcissist and LOVE the opportunity to talk about ourselves and not be judged as a result.

I have never been the best at journal-keeping-this fact made obvious by my three-month break between posts-but what a great way to post standpoints, feelings, as well as the standard here’s what’s happening in my boring life post. Awesome. Simply awesome.

Well this is my list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’m stealing yet another idea from Emmalee and will be posting a Confessional. Hopefully every week,but we all know that’s not going to happen. Peace out.