someone tell me when is it my turn, don't i get a dream for myself?

This week I had an experience that got me thinking and has been eating at me since. Please forgive me in advance-I should also warn you that I am doing my best to keep this as vague as possible--my experience involves an acquaintance who is in a lot of the same circles as I am. I am in no way trying to pass judgement and unintentionally offend this person OR our mutual friends...but I am a little bugged by it so it's going to be tough. If you're one of those offended, my sincere apologies for both that AND the novel-sized post today. Consider yourself warned on both accounts. 

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If I have learned ANYTHING in my short thirty years it's this: Life is NOT fair, and no matter what YOU may think you haven't "earned" anything. Most of the time we mistake "earning" something for feeling entitled to it because we've "paid our dues".  Although knowing is half the battle, it doesn't make swallowing this pill any easier.

West Jordan held auditions for "Annie Get Your Gun" this week. I love West Jordan, I've worked with the director before and simply adore her, "Annie Get Your Gun" is one of my most favorite shows and ever since I sang "Anything You Can Do" in a Stake musical review Annie Oakley has been on my (long) list of dream roles. It's been six months since I've actually been on stage, and although I've filled that time working behind the scenes I'm aching to do another show. Once I heard about auditions I immediately set my heart on playing Annie.

Tuesday evening rolled around and I laid on my bed, unable to muster the drive (and desire) to go. I had gone from being ecstatic for this audition to downright dreading it. I was (and am) just so tired of putting myself out there only to keep falling short of my goals. That mind set was enough to keep me in my bed the rest of the evening. Mr. Wonderful had to do everything short of physical violence to get me to go--please don't misunderstand there. He has never and will never force me to do anything I don't want to do, but he knew if I didn't go I would 'shoulda woulda coulda' for the next six months-especially because of how excited I had been. I decided trying and knowing was better than not, so I rolled out of bed and headed over.

When I got there they were running late. After I filled out the paperwork I had the opportunity to just sit and talk to a variety friends, old and new. (That's the nice and HORRIBLE thing about community theatre is it's a small small world.) as we were talking being the theatre nerds we are the subject turned to roles we've played, 'should' have gotten, wished we had gotten, shows we had so much fun on we would do them again in a heartbeat, etc. During the course of this conversation an acquaintance of mine made a comment about a theatre I've worked with with no problems. Upon hearing it I had to LITERALLY keep myself from dropping my jaw at:

"I've done eleven shows for them. ELEVEN. It's about time they stop casting me in ensemble and supporting roles and start casting me as leads."

Even reading it now I'm enraged at the arrogance and entitlement this person had. But then I have to stop myself because I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing. Maybe not in the same way, but it's still there.

How many times have I resented co-workers when their efforts have been recognized over my own?

How many times have I felt that I've paid my dues and it's my turn to have the limelight, promotion, raise, praise, whatever only to have someone else tell me that's not the case?

After all this how many times have I actually ADMITTED that I wasn't good enough to beat out someone who was BETTER?  Not nearly as many as I've placed the blame on others, that's for sure.

Although I can more than relate to this person's frustration I have to wonder if the real reason we don't get what we want is because (with few exception) we aren't WORKING as hard as we THINK we are, but rather we feel it is merely OWED to us because we tried and keep trying?

Call backs are tomorrow. I'm up against some serious talent, so right now I'm feeling I don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Hopefully I'll do enough to wow the Director and earn my first leading role...stay tuned.

shoes! shoes! shoes! the secret of my shoes

If Avril Lavigne went to OZ she'd wear these...

I love shoes. I have way too many pairs of shoes for my own good. Expensive,  bargain, old, new, traditional, eclectic, strappy, flat, heels, tennies, sandals, flip flops...well you get the idea.

Mr. Wonderful doesn't 'get' the love I have for shoes. He thinks you only need four pairs of shoes: black, brown, dress, and athletic. He breaks his own rule because he has five-the previous plus a pair of work boots. I on the other hand have so many I have literally lost count. I have no room in my closet for them all so I have to store them under my bed and rotate for the seasons. (I was gonna take a picture so you'd believe me but the thought of pulling them all out and putting them all away again plum wore me out so you get what I already had on my phone.)

We were talking this week (post shoe purchase) and he just doesn't get it. The best way I could explain it to him was like this-when your weight fluxuates or if you are like me and are more...curvaceous than the average woman it can be down right discouraging to shop for, try on, and wear clothes. It's even MORE discouraging when the same clothes look so much cuter on women with smaller, less curvy frames. Shoes on the other hand are a completely different story. Shoes fit no matter what size you are. Shoes don't make you feel like a freak show and stop fitting right because you've got water weight or extra holiday pounds. Shoes don't shrink in the wash. You can buy the same pair of shoes as that skinny bitch in the magazine and still make them look as good as she did, if not better.



Upon finishing my explanation I was hoping the light would turn on, and his look would tell me he FINALLY understood what a pick me up shoes are. Instead he just looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. 

Oh well. The ladies understand me. That being said...



the newest addition to my family. aren't they ADORABLE!?



what a diva

Most of you know I'm a theatre geek.

Summer show season is fast approaching, and a long time ago I made a decision. Although I fully stand behind it and know it's the best decision for me I still feel like a complete and total diva for having made it.

   I have decided I am not willing to commit my time to a show if all I will be doing is ensemble. The ensemble is important, and as cliche' as it is I agree "there are no small parts only small actors", but unless it's a show I simply adore, a director I HAVE to work with, or my first time with a new theatre the ensemble just isn't for me. I've been the ensemble in shows before, and honestly, with all the time commitment involved (usually 2-4 months) I have a hard time making the commitment for anything smaller than a supporting role-mostly because it's so much easier for me to rationalize flaking off when I'm in the ensemble and I HATE flakes. So in order to avoid being a hypocrite I hold out for the larger roles I am willing to make the time commitment to.

Although I feel I'm completely justified in checking "no" or writing in "MAYBE-depends on role-NO ensemble" next to the "will you accept another role?" box on the audition form I always feel like such a diva. I've even had people tell me they don't even CONSIDER actors who aren't willing to take anything the director is willing to cast them as. I've heard that some even go so far as black listing actors who turn down roles they aren't interested in. Whaaat?! You ask but then punish honesty? Don't you want your cast to WANT to be there? And if not, why do you even put that question on the form? That has always baffled me. How can being honest about what you're willing to commit to instantly brand you a diva who is going to be hard to work with? I am fabulous to work with, thank you very much!

Although some of my favorite roles have been smaller cameo appearances I would like to eventually be given the opportunity to play a leading role. I KNOW I can do it, I just need a director to see in me what I already know is there and THAT'S frustrating as hell-especially because I'm the world's WORST auditioner.

Which leads me to my other rule: I don't audition for shows I know I won't be cast in. Murray is doing the "Scarlett Pimpernel" this year. I have worked with Murray before and a lot of the people in Murray are so great to work with--one of them being my most favoritest accompanist Steve. We were talking a couple weeks ago and he told me I should audition. The problem with this is there is only one non-ensemble female part--it isn't the right fit for me--that and the fact I'm not this director's favorite--I'm well-liked but I'm not a favorite--I know whenever I audition for them I will never be considered for anything but bit roles. My friend made the suggestion to just come for the experience-although we know I wouldn't be truly considered for anything-and he would help me workshop my audition. My immediate thought was "why would I waste my time"? Because I am well-liked I would most likely be called back (pity or obligatory call backs piss me off more than the stupid audition form box), but then it's a weeknight AND a Saturday morning I would be spending for naught. Ok ok, it 's not for nothing--although I am comfortable in my talents and abilities I am the world's WORST auditioner. It would be nice to know what I can be doing to make a better first impression on these directors so I'm actually considered for the roles I want, not just pigeonholed into the slutty comic-relief roles.

I'm also hesitant to go anywhere else because over the last six months I have been given some wonderful opportunities with the Empress Theatre in Magna. I would like to see if there are more opportunities there for me in the near future and I can't do that if I'm committed to another show for someone else.  

I just find it funny that everywhere but Utah you are a diva if you say the things I've just said, whereas any where else directors and production crews appreciate you being honest in telling them exactly what you're willing to commit to.

wordless wednesday

wishing I was here...

if at first you don't succeed

Since I work where I work (local food distributor) I watch a lot of the Food Network. A LOT. This isn't a bad thing though. My cooking skills have grown exponentially which makes me (and mr. wonderful) quite happy.

Two weeks ago I watched an episode of Barefoot Contessa and she made macaroons. I am an AWESOME cook. I'm a so-so baker, but I want to be better. These looked SO easy, I LOVE a well-made macaroon, and I was channeling my inner baking diva so I thought I'd give it a go.

I purchased the ingredients (Sweetened condensed milk and sweetened coconut-not kidding) and waited for the weekend. Sunday afternoon rolled around and I got started. I followed the directions to the letter, but I noticed the SC milk was separating and pooling on the pan. I started to panic a little. I put two dozen cookies into the oven and this is what I got:



Yes that's water loosening the caramelized SC Milk on my pan...



The second tray was a complete loss...



I ate two--they were aight.

I decided I needed to not let this discourage me so I tried again this weekend in between sickness and tech rehearsal. This time they were a MONSTER success...so much so I even dipped them in chocolate: 



Definitely what they should have looked like the first time.



Chocolate covered goodness--SUCCESS!!

Yes this recipe is definitely a keeper. I rule.