Growing up all I ever heard from everyone was “don’t settle”. Don’t settle on a job that doesn’t make you happy, a lifestyle you don’t want, or a spouse who isn’t everything you envisioned.
Now that I’m older, I understand more how important it is to NOT settle, but is it ever ok? Don’t we all have things we imagined would turn out differently than they did? Although we’re happy we wonder if had we held out for the better school, the better job, or heaven forbid-the better spouse how much happier we would be? Or do we just grow up and realize life isn’t perfect and sometimes you take what you get?
As most of you know I’m in danger of being another workforce fatality-thanks again economy-and so I’ve been proactively looking for a new job. The longer my hunt drags on the more I’ve found myself thinking, “Well I guess I could take a $2.00 an hour pay cut. I know I’m already underpaid at my current job, but I really need a new one, so I’ll make the best of it.” Or: “I don’t feel too great about this line of work or the people I would be working with, but I guess it can be something I can learn to like.” Notice I said ‘like’ and not ‘love’. Does that worry you as much as that worries me? The fact that we-especially me-let ourselves make decisions out of fear, complacency, or our own feelings of inadequacy kinda scares me. Wait. Not kinda. It REALLY scares me. Even before all of this happened I have been unhappy in my work, but the thought of looking, selling myself to another company, and then starting over-at the bottom of a new totem pole-kept me where I was. Again I was settling.
It’s not just work where I’m seeing it. I dabble in the theatre arts, and although I know I will be rejected more often than not and that it’s not personal I still take it personally. Last night I found myself questioning whether or not to just settle for the ensemble roles because obviously these directors aren’t seeing in me what I see in me so maybe I should just quit putting myself out there to keep being rejected. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing it, or how thick you think your skin is, or how marvelously talented you KNOW you are, rejection still stings. Every time-JUST as much as the first time. I could settle and just go for the ensemble roles. I would be rejected a lot less, but I would be on stage knowing full well that that’s not where I should be. I am a leading lady. I know it, but I’m not getting the reinforcement so now I'm feeling it less and less.
When I was a teenager I had everything all planned out. I was going start dating right at sixteen, and I would never want for a boy to go out with me. It was going to be perfect. Then when I was older-you know, 22 or 23, I was going to meet and marry the perfect man. He would be swashbuckling and do whatever was necessary to make me happy-because my happiness would be all that mattered. We would have the perfect courtship, we would never fight; he would be my Prince Charming. We would have the perfect engagement, the perfect wedding, and after a couple of perfect years of marriage we would finally have our perfect children. Everything would be perfect and I would have my own Hollywood Fairytale ending. Then real life happened. Dating is HARD. I stayed home many a weekend and missed out on many a dance because I wasn't asked. I also went out with boys I didn't want to date because they asked me first and I couldn't be mean. Then I entered my twenties and learned personalities clash. Men are afraid of commitment, no matter how much they love you. My happiness isn't the only thing that matters. I turned 26 and STILL wasn’t married. Then I was 27, 28, 29, and still nothing. I’m now staring down the barrel of my 30th birthday and I still don’t have it together. My life now is NOTHING how my sixteen year old self would have told you it would be. There have been periods in my dating life where I have said to myself, “This isn’t the happy I wanted, but its ok. At least I’m happy, right?” Although I can honestly say I have no regrets and there are only a few things I would do differently given the chance I still have found myself wondering from time to time “Am I settling? I’m happy, but it’s not the happy I thought I would have at sixteen. Should I try for that happy, or should I be realistic?” Is being ‘realistic’ just another way of settling?
Over all I am content with my life. Not completely satisfied-mostly because I’m still a work in progress, but I’m not completely discontent either. There are areas I could improve and make better, but I don’t. Whether it’s fear of my own failure, fear of change, I’m not ready, or the fact I just don’t know how to make it better so I let it be. I realize I am the only one who can make myself happy, but is being content and realistic the same thing as settling? Am I growing up and realizing life never turns out the way you planned? Or am I being a silly girl and over thinking things again? Have YOU ever felt like you were settling? And were you ok with it?
3 comments:
At some point, we all have to realize that our goals may not have been realistic, especially at 16. What you have to do is make a list of things you WILL NOT compromise on; these things need to be the big- (and I mean eternally big) ticket items. What are the things you cannot--in any way, shape or form--compromise on? You do get to keep those. What are the things that you've come to realize, as you've matured, don't matter all that much. You might be surprised to learn that swashbuckling doesn't hold as much charm at 30 as it did at 16, but a smile that melts your bones does.
I love a saying I heard on the radio: "If you're happy all of the time, you're on something." Life is a series of hills and valleys. If we never know the bitter, we will never appreciate the sweet. Sad, isn't it, that there really must be opposition in all things so that we can find real happiness?
Okay, that's all the sermon I'm going to give. Love you, my dear Cecily. We need to hang out soon.
Oh Gwen. I love you and your wisdom. I will never settle the "big ticket items", but it's the day-to day things that were making me think.
You're right. I'll take the sound of Scott's laughter and his smile over swashbuckling-ness any day of the week. :)
Never settle? Absolutely! However, Hollywood is crap! If I had Prince Charming who picked me flowers every day on the way home, always brought me chocolates, never made me work, gave me perfect children, etc...I would be sick! The flowers and chocolates would mean nothing because they were not special. If I didn't have to work and he spoiled me, I'd be lazy and probably a giant brat. If he gave me perfect children, I'd probably be depressed knowing I wasn't a good enough mom. What Hollywood fails to tell you my dear, is that the trials and imperfections are surprisingly what make us happy! Do me and my husband fight? Sure do! Do I like it? NOPE! But I wouldn't trade ANY of them for the world! Because as much as they suck, we've learned HEAPS from them and learned to be better with each other. So as much as you hate to hear it (because I know I did and still do hate hearing it) that these trials will make the sweet times sweeter. You'll find someone great and not regret a moment it took to wait for him :) Same with the job, you'll find something that's great for you!
Post a Comment